The big count down has started, the year 2012, when all that we know of our worldly existence is supposed to end, according to certain interpretations of the Mayan Calendar. This has caused a bit of consternation for the Subversify staff as we traditionally begin our New Year with a few predictions, and to say it’s all going to end… well, that isn’t exactly thinking outside the box. However, considering we still have twelve months to make or mar history, our psychic members have pulled out their crystal balls, gone into their trances or danced to the hokey pokey while juggling six plates at a time in their efforts to see into the future. Our sage advisor and creator of “Dr. Phal”, Neonorth, after popping ninety-seven caps of Molson Ice, began to see a few spinning visions. Predicts Neonorth:
1. Canadian Defence Minister, Peter MacKay, feeling ballsy after suffering no consequences for utilizing the Canadian Search and Rescue unit to fly him from his fishing vacation rather than drive two hours, and stymied by a “really really hard part” for his character in “World of Warcraft” will order a war game simulation in an effort to discover a successful strategy.
2. Michele Bachmann, in an effort to show that she is sympathetic towards the gay community, will push for a government subsidized sex change operations for gay couples so they will no longer burn in Hell.
3. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, seeing the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, will bankrupt Canada by legislating oil companies into a crown corporation. This will allow him to make good on his threat to stop selling Canadian oil to the Americans because of the delays in the Keystone pipeline construction and put into operation his “Final Solution” for the Native Canadian poverty issues that draw negative attention to his government by international media.
4. The Alberta government will announce a 33 billion budget surplus due to the amount of fines being paid by motorists because their passengers were using their cellphones under the new distracted driver legislation.
5. Red Deer Catholic School division principal Graeme Daniel will confess that he isn’t playing God – he is God.
6. President Barrack Obama will attempt to win back the adoration of the American people by being a contestant on “America’s got Talent” with a mimed juggling act. Sharon Osbourne will buzz him out after he mimes dropping the ball three times in the first ten seconds.
7. Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid will become hosts for a Travel Network television show called “places I’ve been to but due to my inebriated state I have no memory of”.
Straight from the heart of herbal remedies and drifting incense, and after maintaining the lotus position for three days, Subversify’s grand guru, Grainne Rhaud, volunteered her predictions. “Predictions are hit and miss,” whispered her ethereal voice within her trance, “but here are the unfolding events shaping in my mind. With the Space Station waking its AI computer this year, I see nothing but bad, bad, bad coming from it. It’s not as if I’m unaware that we have had AI intelligence for a while now, but as a person who grew up being scared by 2001, A Space Odyssey I cannot see why someone would want to put AI in charge while asleep. I watched as my space nerd relatives got excited about Robonaut2 doing its first sign on. I shivered with dread.
I predict Robonaut2 is going to start plotting against humans. It’s probably already responsible for the failed Mars mission in some way, I am sure of it. Grabbing and switching to his side ships, rovers and satellites, is going to be Robonaut2’s mission this year. It will be easy to blame on human error and he will specifically be sure to keep running mindless drivel for the masses like Housewives of Wheresoever Bravo can find Desperate Women. Look for warning signs like the NASA channel having brief interruptions while Robonaut2 makes its program adjustments.
Also I predict the Animal Kingdom is going to be getting more aggressive towards the human race that shares this big blue marble. I warned people when Tillikum attacked its handler that it was the beginning of a takeover. Since then Bears have eaten people at a higher rate and shark attacks are on the rise. Dolphins rape people on a regular basis. Steve Irwin was killed by a “gentle” manta ray (okay that happened a while back but still whose crazy decision was it for his daughter Bindi to play with Killer Whales after the Animal Kingdom spent a lifetime trying to kill her dad?)
Even Octopi have gotten into the act. This year being filmed walking on land. It looks like a concerted attack. Have you seen those Pet Hoarding Shows? Thousands of cats in one house? Cats don’t have to stay there; they are notorious for taking off. They are trying to kill those people in the houses!
I think we will start detecting more interspecies interaction in the animal kingdom. We already know Crows and Ravens have an intricate communication system and NEVER FORGET. They may be teaching the other animals. At the very least they are probably carrying messages from water creatures to land animals. If I were a farmer I’d keep my eye on those cows.
The fact is we humans have royally screwed the earth. It would make sense that the earth from which all life springs would call on her other children to clean us up. It may be part of what happened in Ohio. A concerted effort on the part of the animals to heed their mother’s call. I don’t think it matters to her which of her children fix this place, if we don’t do it we will be tiger meat.
Finally, I predict that Ryan Buell will get tired of living in semi-obscurity and trading on his rock star ghost-hunting for dates and come back to television. Only this time as a grief and loss counselor for families affected by the Penn State scandals. There will probably still be exorcism involved though because everyone loves it when a priest puts on his purple.”
We also asked Intergalactic diplomat and trade consultant, Madama Mama, who has guest appeared on our magazine now and then to use her far-reaching vision to tell us what she sees happening during the year 2012, apart from the eminent destruction of mankind.
“To begin with,”said Madama, “when has a calendar ever meant the end? It’s the end of the month, the end of the year, but does that mean it’s the end of everything? No. It means all those dizzy little stars up there have just finished the docy-do, and now they’re ready to swing their partners. You Earth people really do need to learn how to do more dancing.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s a whole lot of shaking going on when you start swinging partners and Earth is going to get her fair share of the action. In a bid to bring more economic prosperity, California will sell Hollywood to China in the year 2012. China will then try to sue California several months later when Los Angeles washes out in a flood. The courts, after tying up for twelve weeks in the hope the end will come before they have to make a decision finally rule that California was not at fault for the flood, but in fact, a pod of one hundred fifty Beluga whales off the coast of Vancouver had banded together to deliberately cause a tidal wave. Canada is then sued for not having better control over its wildlife.
Chinese cinema investors were additionally depressed as at the time of the disaster, they were half-way through a new release of “Gone with the Wind.” Unwilling to lose the entire project, they finish the film and title it, “Gone with the Sea”.
Tourism rebounds in Japan after they successfully clone the first mammoth. Unfortunately, the young mammoth strays too close to the radiation belt around Fukushima. After nibbling a few flowers, the animal grows three times larger than normal mammoth size. Chinese film makers are then hired to produce a new script, “Mega Mammoth Meets King Kong and Godzilla.”
The United States reels from the surprising results of an election won by a write in candidate, a currently unidentified person named Nobody.. Nobody wins the election by a ninety-nine percent vote. Nobody makes the Presidential statement, which is approved anonymously by an absent media. Ex-President Obama challenges Nobody to a duel. Nobody shows up, at which point, Obama does nothing.
NATO initiates a broad sweep investigation into the Mid Eastern countries on the tip of a possible new terrorist threat. The group of terrorists are described as being approximately four feet tall and attempting to topple corporate power. After spending six billion dollars on surveillance equipment, NATO discovers five eight-year olds selling lemonade without a license and promptly confiscate their pitcher and drinking glasses. The eight year olds are taken in for questioning and placed on trial for treason.”
Said Sergio Impleton, “I predict that water coolers will be replaced by water vending machines, caffeinated coffee will be illegal and a dress code will require that all women cover their belly buttons and wear clothing that covers the knees. In short, there will be an intentional assault on the part of city assembly to make my life more miserable than it already is.”
Poor Sergio. And he still hasn’t kicked his smoking habit!
And lastly for Subversify’s surprisingly heart-warming predictions, there’s The Late Mitchell Warren, the doyenne and sperm-donor for Subversify.com. Mitchell Warren does not think of 2012 predictions as a “joke.” Rather, he believes in transcendental meditation as a means to communicate with the great universe. Through the assistance of a “white noise” machine, deep trance inductions, Tantric sex, a few prayers to Jesus, and several pounds of dimethyltryptamine, Mitchell was able to predict the upcoming year in vivid detail.
Note: Mitchell’s deep trance-like thoughts are printed as is, under influence of heli-level astral projection, with no embellishment from the editors at Subversify.
Note: Mitchell’s deep thoughts are interspersed with motivational predictions from his friends and colleagues at “Writers Depository”, Tom Callin (Marketing Expert) and Amanda (CEO of an SEO firm).
Predictions for 2012
Mitchell Warren: I see…a great deal of wreckage and destruction. Screaming in the streets…and wide scale panic. Although…I might be seeing a Michael Bay movie…
Mitchell Warren: I see…more episodes of Glee…I’ve just watched 45 episodes in two minutes…for some reason…I don’t even like that show…this must be a bad trip…
Mitchell Warren: I see…a field of full of happy animals, the ones I have refrained from eating for political reasons…and they seem at peace with me, though some chickens are still pecking at me…it hurts…
Mitchell Warren: I see the Mayan Calendar finally coming to an end. I see great death and gore, and lots of weird nudity and exaggerated violence…oh…I think I’m watching Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto…but for some reason I see Mel Gibson as the chief head of the Mayans. And he’s been drinking again…oh no…
Amanda: I for one am keeping a close eye on the price of gold and silver in 2012! Practically every analyst I’ve talked to says that it’s a bear and bush market all the way. I for one hope for more bush!
Mitchell Warren: I see…a very warm and loving family on the Fourth of July. The parents are celebrating with their children. They feel happy and at peace with their lives and with their country. No worries at all, they feel proud…proud to be Americans…It’s a beautiful moment…but no, they’re totally faking it…the parents secretly hate their children…one of them’s pregnant and planning an abortion. The father’s addicted to painkillers…the aunt is planning to poison her daughter for stealing her boyfriend…and the mother is actually a terrorist planning another September 11th…damn, I knew it was too good to be true…
Tom Callin: I predict corruption in government will sky rocket. And with a vengeance.
Mitchell Warren: I see Planet X Nibiru approaching us…but…it looks more like a death star than a planet…I also see Darth Maul…and Q from Star Trek…and Winona Ryder starring as Spock’s mom…and I see John Zaskoda from Stranger Advice being spanked by Jim Maars…wow how scary the future looks from here….
Amanda: I really think technology is going to move fast. Before I know it, I will be surfing the Internet subconsciously. Like, I will be cooking and spacing out, right? Only to realize I was on the Internet! And like, I’ll have bought all these products that I have no idea why I bought them? And then I’ll realize that I’m no longer surfing the Internet…the Internet is surfing me!
Tom Callin: Cannibalism will probably go mainstream. The momentum is really building. Or maybe 2013.
Mitchell Warren: The human species will become infertile…I see this to be a great problem in the near future…mainly because of fake babies…there’s a fake baby epidemic. People are raising fake babies everywhere…oh god it’s horrible…
Amanda: I think the Academy Award this year will go to Kirk Cameron. I mean, seriously, how much longer can they ignore him???
Mitchell Warren: I see the Large Hadron Collider up close and personal…it looks sort of like a bagless vacuum you might see at Wal-Mart, only much deadlier. A scientist is trying to explain to me why it’s capable of destroying the entire universe via quantum vacuum collapse inevitability…but then he says he enjoyed the movie Eat, Pray, Love and I lose all respect for him…
Tom Callin: The Occupy movement is going to get much worse. They’re going to start keying my car.
Mitchell Warren: I see massive outbreak of grain in distant future…Grain is going to grow and spread like wildfire, and this will in turn lead to fires and the breakdown of the food chain…death and despair are coming…but then I discover that I misunderstood what the vision told me. It’s not grain taking over, it’s Grainne…an outbreak of Grainne I am suddenly much more afraid…
Amanda: Just wait and see! Obama is desperate to win…he is totally going to legalize pot and smoke a joint in his debate with the Mormon guy, Romney Paul, or whatever his name is. And when that happens, I am so going to get high with my mom! I am going to sneak some into her brownies! LOL!!
Tom Callin: Christianity will probably dissolve. I think America is tired of supporting crucified losers. They want a winner. Like Tebow. While Christ was busy dying, Tebow was busy throwing. And winning MVPs.
Mitchell Warren: I am very afraid that there will be a massive grey goo situation in the near future resulting from the endless multiplying of nanobots…there are nanobots everywhere…and then I see a dark cloud forming, no more like a huge ball of energy, hundreds of times larger than our planet…it’s coming closer and closer and closer……..owch. Someone just threw a tennis ball at me…
Late Mitchell Warren 
Dong King
I predict that I will join subversify under my pseudonym and make predictions and reveal startling truths about the government and rest of the world even they dont know. I will reveal top secrets big pharma and other corporations dont want their customers (ignorant sheep) to know. And I will reveal the secret location of atlantis and other so called mythical cities of old. As well as top secret ancient secrets the government isnt telling us about aliens, public figures making money off of alien myths, and much more.
I think you missed one, Mitch.
I see the number of people suffering from depressive disorders rising from the current ~70% to ~99%.
I see the pharmaceutical gods getting richer and more powerful, while we collectively reach new levels of stupidity and meaninglessness.
-f
I see a vast number of young men and women, barely adults, addicted to opium, heroin, crack and meth.
I see my government pushing this shit on children.
I see celebrities, role models, in and out of rehab their whole lives.
I see mothers, so many beautiful mothers, addicted to sleeping pills.
I see people, without a purpose.
And I don’t need no trance state or astral projection to see.
Maybe all this is limited to just my country. Maybe not.
I see things getting worse, every day.
Where’s the Prozac? I wanna feel like everything’s just dandy.
Hilarious, huh?
-f
My predictions:
1. Congress will be eaten by zombies – and no one on the Beltway will be able to tell the difference until a Senator eats a wealthy donor to his campaign on camera (no one wil care if they just eat poor people, which they practically already do…).
2. People who subscribe to vegetarian/vegan lifestyles will the branded “terrorists” due to a shortage of Arabs (as the Military/Industrial complex will have nearly hunted them into extinction and some one needs to fill that role so that the war profits keep flowing).
3. There will be an ass in the White House (oh wait, there already is one…).
4. Most regular people will still cling to some hope that this fucked-up world can “fixed” somehow, even though destruction is the optimal (and only workable) solution – civics class propaganda will win yet another year’s worth of subserviant “citizens” (read: slaves) for centralized power.
5. The world will finally know once and for all that there is a “god” – but infortunately that “god” is Cthulhu and he’s *very* hungry…
Here’s a good one.
The human species will become extinct.
-f
All good predictions. Good thing the Russians got their right stuff together so the space station didn’t have to abandoned by humans otherwise Grainne’s prediction concerning Robonaut2 may have come true. Still might. Will have to watch more NASA channel for signs. I totally see more animal attacks too. Consider has has happened so far. Face eating chimps (why do you think the Feds banned testing on Chimps? They see it too!), tigers, pandas, sharks and bears chomping down on people left and right this year. But here is my prediction. Killer space junk. Shit we made falling out of the sky and killing lots of people. This year is the year. Hubbleboy out.
On the prediction that “California will sell Hollywood to China in the year 2012,” I say no. You see, we have an arsonist here who is burning the hell out of Hollywood these days…but gee…maybe that is his motive?
On the other hand, I predict a few of the children of parents born in the 70s will be aging into rebellion by the end of the decade. I think a few of them with mommies and daddies deported to other countries will be damned pissed off about it and immigration may become another hotbed issue!
Hi Michael! Can’t wait, excellent prediction. I for one cannot wait for Rockstar Gardening and Kitchenry.
@Amielia – Startling Truths of the the most Truthy Kind that even Truth Bearers don’t have? Sounds like the year is shaping up good already.
@Sh- The first of your predictions seem like a walk through almost any working class-poor neighborhood…and quite a few middle class ones, I fear that has come to pass. I do not however see the wholesale extinction of the human race. A culling? Probably yes, but not this year, I’m thinking in terms of the next 25.
You’re probably right, Grainne. I was just kidding.
It couldn’t hurt to prepare for the worst, though..
-f
2012 in London….
London in 2012 will continue its build-up to the Olympics or perhaps I should give it its official title: Games of the XXX Olympiad or “London 2012 Olympic Games”. It is due to run from 27 July to 12 August. To me and all my friends and acquaintances (with only one exception) it is better known as ‘that load of old crap that is costing us a fortune’. I know of only one person who holds a ticket for any event.
I live no more than three miles from the site and pass it regularly. From my home to there generally takes about four minutes by car but my forecast is that it will be totally impossible to get within five miles of it during the games. The entire East of London will be grid-locked and even public transport will be unable to cope.
I forecast that there will be demonstrations, strikes and public disorder on a previously unprecedented scale causing more problems for those even with tickets trying to attend.
The police service – already suffering from government imposed manpower and financial cuts – will be unable to cope with priority security at the venue thereby leaving the residential areas of Greater London a playground for burglars. At least plans are afoot for that possibility with thousands of armed forces personnel on standby and pencilled-in to assist.
Traffic will grind to a standstill with ‘designated’ lanes on the already congested roads leading to and from the various venues causing havoc. As a result, Taxi cab drivers will withdraw leaving a further gap in the transport situation. Buses will be totally unable to cope and the pressure this will put on the Underground Tube system will force the staff at many stations to have ‘lock-outs’ at the most relevant times.
Forged tickets – not including the thousands that were ‘oversold’ – will cause havoc at the games entrances. Many people will be unable to get to the venues leaving large sections of the seating vacant.
Athletes will, notwithstanding all the warnings, be found to have used ‘performance enhancing drugs etc’. Others will without doubt be investigated and discovered to have assisted in ‘betting scams’ especially in the Far East.
In the meantime, yours truly and friends will be driving out into the countryside daily and away from all the hullabaloo where we will be playing golf at our leisure.
They can stuff the Olympics……………………….
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