Subversify’s 2012 Predictions
The big count down has started, the year 2012, when all that we know of our worldly existence is supposed to end, according to certain interpretations of the Mayan Calendar. This has caused a bit of consternation for the Subversify staff as we traditionally begin our New Year with a few predictions, and to say it’s all going to end… well, that isn’t exactly thinking outside the box. However, considering we still have twelve months to make or mar history, our psychic members have pulled out their crystal balls, gone into their trances or danced to the hokey pokey while juggling six plates at a time in their efforts to see into the future. Our sage advisor and creator of “Dr. Phal”, Neonorth, after popping ninety-seven caps of Molson Ice, began to see a few spinning visions. Predicts Neonorth:
1. Canadian Defence Minister, Peter MacKay, feeling ballsy after suffering no consequences for utilizing the Canadian Search and Rescue unit to fly him from his fishing vacation rather than drive two hours, and stymied by a “really really hard part” for his character in “World of Warcraft” will order a war game simulation in an effort to discover a successful strategy.
2. Michele Bachmann, in an effort to show that she is sympathetic towards the gay community, will push for a government subsidized sex change operations for gay couples so they will no longer burn in Hell.
3. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, seeing the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, will bankrupt Canada by legislating oil companies into a crown corporation. This will allow him to make good on his threat to stop selling Canadian oil to the Americans because of the delays in the Keystone pipeline construction and put into operation his “Final Solution” for the Native Canadian poverty issues that draw negative attention to his government by international media.
4. The Alberta government will announce a 33 billion budget surplus due to the amount of fines being paid by motorists because their passengers were using their cellphones under the new distracted driver legislation.
5. Red Deer Catholic School division principal Graeme Daniel will confess that he isn’t playing God – he is God.
6. President Barrack Obama will attempt to win back the adoration of the American people by being a contestant on “America’s got Talent” with a mimed juggling act. Sharon Osbourne will buzz him out after he mimes dropping the ball three times in the first ten seconds.
7. Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid will become hosts for a Travel Network television show called “places I’ve been to but due to my inebriated state I have no memory of”.
Straight from the heart of herbal remedies and drifting incense, and after maintaining the lotus position for three days, Subversify’s grand guru, Grainne Rhaud, volunteered her predictions. “Predictions are hit and miss,” whispered her ethereal voice within her trance, “but here are the unfolding events shaping in my mind. With the Space Station waking its AI computer this year, I see nothing but bad, bad, bad coming from it. It’s not as if I’m unaware that we have had AI intelligence for a while now, but as a person who grew up being scared by 2001, A Space Odyssey I cannot see why someone would want to put AI in charge while asleep. I watched as my space nerd relatives got excited about Robonaut2 doing its first sign on. I shivered with dread.
I predict Robonaut2 is going to start plotting against humans. It’s probably already responsible for the failed Mars mission in some way, I am sure of it. Grabbing and switching to his side ships, rovers and satellites, is going to be Robonaut2’s mission this year. It will be easy to blame on human error and he will specifically be sure to keep running mindless drivel for the masses like Housewives of Wheresoever Bravo can find Desperate Women. Look for warning signs like the NASA channel having brief interruptions while Robonaut2 makes its program adjustments.
Also I predict the Animal Kingdom is going to be getting more aggressive towards the human race that shares this big blue marble. I warned people when Tillikum attacked its handler that it was the beginning of a takeover. Since then Bears have eaten people at a higher rate and shark attacks are on the rise. Dolphins rape people on a regular basis. Steve Irwin was killed by a “gentle” manta ray (okay that happened a while back but still whose crazy decision was it for his daughter Bindi to play with Killer Whales after the Animal Kingdom spent a lifetime trying to kill her dad?)
Even Octopi have gotten into the act. This year being filmed walking on land. It looks like a concerted attack. Have you seen those Pet Hoarding Shows? Thousands of cats in one house? Cats don’t have to stay there; they are notorious for taking off. They are trying to kill those people in the houses!
I think we will start detecting more interspecies interaction in the animal kingdom. We already know Crows and Ravens have an intricate communication system and NEVER FORGET. They may be teaching the other animals. At the very least they are probably carrying messages from water creatures to land animals. If I were a farmer I’d keep my eye on those cows.
The fact is we humans have royally screwed the earth. It would make sense that the earth from which all life springs would call on her other children to clean us up. It may be part of what happened in Ohio. A concerted effort on the part of the animals to heed their mother’s call. I don’t think it matters to her which of her children fix this place, if we don’t do it we will be tiger meat.
Finally, I predict that Ryan Buell will get tired of living in semi-obscurity and trading on his rock star ghost-hunting for dates and come back to television. Only this time as a grief and loss counselor for families affected by the Penn State scandals. There will probably still be exorcism involved though because everyone loves it when a priest puts on his purple.”
We also asked Intergalactic diplomat and trade consultant, Madama Mama, who has guest appeared on our magazine now and then to use her far-reaching vision to tell us what she sees happening during the year 2012, apart from the eminent destruction of mankind.
“To begin with,”said Madama, “when has a calendar ever meant the end? It’s the end of the month, the end of the year, but does that mean it’s the end of everything? No. It means all those dizzy little stars up there have just finished the docy-do, and now they’re ready to swing their partners. You Earth people really do need to learn how to do more dancing.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s a whole lot of shaking going on when you start swinging partners and Earth is going to get her fair share of the action. In a bid to bring more economic prosperity, California will sell Hollywood to China in the year 2012. China will then try to sue California several months later when Los Angeles washes out in a flood. The courts, after tying up for twelve weeks in the hope the end will come before they have to make a decision finally rule that California was not at fault for the flood, but in fact, a pod of one hundred fifty Beluga whales off the coast of Vancouver had banded together to deliberately cause a tidal wave. Canada is then sued for not having better control over its wildlife.
Chinese cinema investors were additionally depressed as at the time of the disaster, they were half-way through a new release of “Gone with the Wind.” Unwilling to lose the entire project, they finish the film and title it, “Gone with the Sea”.
Tourism rebounds in Japan after they successfully clone the first mammoth. Unfortunately, the young mammoth strays too close to the radiation belt around Fukushima. After nibbling a few flowers, the animal grows three times larger than normal mammoth size. Chinese film makers are then hired to produce a new script, “Mega Mammoth Meets King Kong and Godzilla.”
The United States reels from the surprising results of an election won by a write in candidate, a currently unidentified person named Nobody.. Nobody wins the election by a ninety-nine percent vote. Nobody makes the Presidential statement, which is approved anonymously by an absent media. Ex-President Obama challenges Nobody to a duel. Nobody shows up, at which point, Obama does nothing.
NATO initiates a broad sweep investigation into the Mid Eastern countries on the tip of a possible new terrorist threat. The group of terrorists are described as being approximately four feet tall and attempting to topple corporate power. After spending six billion dollars on surveillance equipment, NATO discovers five eight-year olds selling lemonade without a license and promptly confiscate their pitcher and drinking glasses. The eight year olds are taken in for questioning and placed on trial for treason.”
Said Sergio Impleton, “I predict that water coolers will be replaced by water vending machines, caffeinated coffee will be illegal and a dress code will require that all women cover their belly buttons and wear clothing that covers the knees. In short, there will be an intentional assault on the part of city assembly to make my life more miserable than it already is.”
Poor Sergio. And he still hasn’t kicked his smoking habit!
And lastly for Subversify’s surprisingly heart-warming predictions, there’s The Late Mitchell Warren, the doyenne and sperm-donor for Subversify.com. Mitchell Warren does not think of 2012 predictions as a “joke.” Rather, he believes in transcendental meditation as a means to communicate with the great universe. Through the assistance of a “white noise” machine, deep trance inductions, Tantric sex, a few prayers to Jesus, and several pounds of dimethyltryptamine, Mitchell was able to predict the upcoming year in vivid detail.
Note: Mitchell’s deep trance-like thoughts are printed as is, under influence of heli-level astral projection, with no embellishment from the editors at Subversify.
Note: Mitchell’s deep thoughts are interspersed with motivational predictions from his friends and colleagues at “Writers Depository”, Tom Callin (Marketing Expert) and Amanda (CEO of an SEO firm).
Predictions for 2012
Mitchell Warren: I see…a great deal of wreckage and destruction. Screaming in the streets…and wide scale panic. Although…I might be seeing a Michael Bay movie…
Mitchell Warren: I see…more episodes of Glee…I’ve just watched 45 episodes in two minutes…for some reason…I don’t even like that show…this must be a bad trip…
Mitchell Warren: I see…a field of full of happy animals, the ones I have refrained from eating for political reasons…and they seem at peace with me, though some chickens are still pecking at me…it hurts…
Mitchell Warren: I see the Mayan Calendar finally coming to an end. I see great death and gore, and lots of weird nudity and exaggerated violence…oh…I think I’m watching Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto…but for some reason I see Mel Gibson as the chief head of the Mayans. And he’s been drinking again…oh no…
Amanda: I for one am keeping a close eye on the price of gold and silver in 2012! Practically every analyst I’ve talked to says that it’s a bear and bush market all the way. I for one hope for more bush!
Mitchell Warren: I see…a very warm and loving family on the Fourth of July. The parents are celebrating with their children. They feel happy and at peace with their lives and with their country. No worries at all, they feel proud…proud to be Americans…It’s a beautiful moment…but no, they’re totally faking it…the parents secretly hate their children…one of them’s pregnant and planning an abortion. The father’s addicted to painkillers…the aunt is planning to poison her daughter for stealing her boyfriend…and the mother is actually a terrorist planning another September 11th…damn, I knew it was too good to be true…
Tom Callin: I predict corruption in government will sky rocket. And with a vengeance.
Mitchell Warren: I see Planet X Nibiru approaching us…but…it looks more like a death star than a planet…I also see Darth Maul…and Q from Star Trek…and Winona Ryder starring as Spock’s mom…and I see John Zaskoda from Stranger Advice being spanked by Jim Maars…wow how scary the future looks from here….
Amanda: I really think technology is going to move fast. Before I know it, I will be surfing the Internet subconsciously. Like, I will be cooking and spacing out, right? Only to realize I was on the Internet! And like, I’ll have bought all these products that I have no idea why I bought them? And then I’ll realize that I’m no longer surfing the Internet…the Internet is surfing me!
Tom Callin: Cannibalism will probably go mainstream. The momentum is really building. Or maybe 2013.
Mitchell Warren: The human species will become infertile…I see this to be a great problem in the near future…mainly because of fake babies…there’s a fake baby epidemic. People are raising fake babies everywhere…oh god it’s horrible…
Amanda: I think the Academy Award this year will go to Kirk Cameron. I mean, seriously, how much longer can they ignore him???
Mitchell Warren: I see the Large Hadron Collider up close and personal…it looks sort of like a bagless vacuum you might see at Wal-Mart, only much deadlier. A scientist is trying to explain to me why it’s capable of destroying the entire universe via quantum vacuum collapse inevitability…but then he says he enjoyed the movie Eat, Pray, Love and I lose all respect for him…
Tom Callin: The Occupy movement is going to get much worse. They’re going to start keying my car.
Mitchell Warren: I see massive outbreak of grain in distant future…Grain is going to grow and spread like wildfire, and this will in turn lead to fires and the breakdown of the food chain…death and despair are coming…but then I discover that I misunderstood what the vision told me. It’s not grain taking over, it’s Grainne…an outbreak of Grainne I am suddenly much more afraid…
Amanda: Just wait and see! Obama is desperate to win…he is totally going to legalize pot and smoke a joint in his debate with the Mormon guy, Romney Paul, or whatever his name is. And when that happens, I am so going to get high with my mom! I am going to sneak some into her brownies! LOL!!
Tom Callin: Christianity will probably dissolve. I think America is tired of supporting crucified losers. They want a winner. Like Tebow. While Christ was busy dying, Tebow was busy throwing. And winning MVPs.
Mitchell Warren: I am very afraid that there will be a massive grey goo situation in the near future resulting from the endless multiplying of nanobots…there are nanobots everywhere…and then I see a dark cloud forming, no more like a huge ball of energy, hundreds of times larger than our planet…it’s coming closer and closer and closer……..owch. Someone just threw a tennis ball at me…
Using whatever means they had at their disposal, Subversify’s staff and guest writers took a peek inside their psychic selves to gaze into the future. Welcome to another great year of Subversify predictions and possible; well; satirical consequences.