An Interview With an Alien

An Interview With an Alien: Madama Mama Spills Dirt on Mars and Puts Earth in its Place

By John Tannen

When I was a boy, I used to dread hearing anything about the moon, the star, mars or the space shuttle program. All I knew was that whenever there was news about space, it was bad news. I remember January 28, 1986, the day the Space Shuttle: Challenger exploded. As a youth, I was enraged that the news coverage interrupted The Price is Right. Upon expressing my contempt for preempted programming my mother scolded me, expressing that I was not showing compassion for the tragedy that had take place. Yet another tragedy caused by space. And so it was, another negative association between me and space, the final frontier.

Growing up, I continued to hate space coverage. I hated the fact that space is what separated Americans from Russians. I hated the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey because it made no sense. I hated the fact that the moon landing was heralded as such a human and an American achievement, as if spending so much money on moving one infinitesimal inch in the expansive universe was anything but a self-congratulatory pat on the back. All I really learned about space was that we—the ordinary people—could never hope to see it. We could see glimpses of it and fabricated short films illustrating what it might look like if men really did walk the moon.

Space was the indefinable, never ending thing that remained above human comprehension—and what kept us all forever restless in our ambition. We itched to leave behind the planet of filth we created and sought to explore other worlds, solar systems and galaxies. All for no other reason except progress—for science and for the human pinnacle of wisdom. It was our final “screw you” to God. The species became smart enough to make its own oxygen and wise enough to plan its early departure years before the trash caught up to the atmosphere.

What I truly remember about 1980s space travel was that I longed to see Bob Barker’s face, that his calm disposition, professional demeanor, and pearly white hair (which nicely contrasted the young buxom babes he screwed before the show) might calm me from the frightening thought of space. Something far too big to understand, far too tragic to underestimate.

It was with great trepidation that I finally answered Subversify’s request to conduct one out of this world interview with Madama Mama, one of the first alien species to make contact with the human race. Madama Mama has earned quite a reputation across the universe, though she has not quite penetrated earth’s mainstream consciousness beyond Subversify Magazine. Not that lack of earthly fame concerns Madama. If I’ve learned anything about space from my wondrous interview with the lovely being, it’s that aliens think of earth politics even less than we think about alien abductions.

I represented Subversify Magazine when I communicated with Madama Mama through radio array technology and prime number patterns, contacting her via signals emitted through the vicinity of the star Vega. Madama patiently corresponded with me, no doubt frustrated by these annoying “text messages” from earth.

Interview With Madama Mama

John Tannen: My name is John Tannen and I’m writing on behalf of Mitchell Warren, the publisher of Subversify Magazine. Mitchell is currently taking time off because of a mental disorder. He thinks he is a dog apparently, go figure. Anyway, on behalf of Subversify Magazine I would be honoured to interview you regarding your book, “Mars and the Real Dirt.”

This would be a tremendous honour for me personally, as I would be the first human to make exclusive contact with an extra-terrestrial. I previously broke ground by interviewing the first intelligent pig, who was quite adamant about spreading the pig point of view on the Swine Flu epidemic. Unfortunately, the editor at the time thought the topic was trite. How ironic, since he eventually started writing nothing dog propaganda—dogs which have not been scientifically proven as spiritually conscious.

Anyway, I’ve read over your presentation and these are the thoughts and questions that I have.

Why is the book not available on earth? Not only is it not available from traditional publishing houses, but it’s also not available on the Internet. Is there a WikiLeaks like hedge happening here? For your information, WikiLeaks is a human-created “whistleblowing” website that reports on corrupt shenanigans of the elite and powerful ruling class. My question is, are there some alien forces out there…I’m assuming you don’t find the word “alien” offensive…are there some forces out there who don’t want the human race to discover that there are life forms on other planets?

Madama Mama: Representative John Tannen, thank you for your honorable mention. While honor is an esteemed virtue, it’s usually reserved for the value class, of which i’m not a member. I have no expertise in attaching monetary price tags to values. I would caution you however, on the information you receive from pigs. They are notorious for hogging the limelight and have very poor manners at the trough. As you may have noticed by now, this bid for exclusive attention gives them a very narrow perspective.

I’m surprised you are not more sympathetic with the administrator’s position, considering your experiences with pigs. Our intelligence reports indicate that the humanoids of Planet Three, medium velocity star of cluster 666 have already acknowledged it’s a dog’s world. We’ve listened carefully to your musical praise and have noticed a great deal of enthusiasm for being nothing but hound dogs, letting the dogs out and becoming top dog. There is a great deal of misconception, however, over dogs eating dogs. This wouldn’t happen if you fed them.

In answer to question one: “Why isn’t my book available on Earth”? Simply put, my book is classified material. What Earth humanoids don’t seem to understand is that once something becomes classified, it’s put on a shelf. The process of classification takes a great deal of diligence. If you remove things from their allocated position without any notice as to their classification, you end up with chaos. This is what happened in the case of Wikileaks. Classified material was removed from the shelf and was not returned in the right order. This jeopardized the structural integrity as the material was covering cracks in the system. My book was wedged into a loop hole to prevent any more intelligence leaks.

John Tannen: In the book, you also speak of colonization and its impact on Native life on Mars. If there is life on Mars as you indicate in the book, why have we only picked up evidence of one-celled creatures? Is it possible the Mars Rover footage we all saw was compromised in some way? Did we, as the human species, fake the Mars footage like we faked the moon landing back in 1969?

Madama Mama: Representative Tannen, there are always forces at work, but it’s not always clear what they want. My educated guess would be that the life forms are being forced out of the path before they get trampled by the human race. It’s inconvenient, but considering that humans are always racing, it’s necessary.

John Tannen: Can you explain what you mean in your statement about mechanically engineered responses and genetically altered common sense? Is it not common sense that defines the human being? Are we not a species of human sensibility? Therefore, if it is our nature to be inquisitive, irrational and morally lacking, what exactly is mechanically engineered?

Madama Mama: In order to answer that questions, I would have to first draw attention to your references concerning the Mars Rover. You freely admit your species sent a dog robot to look for footage. Its mechanical response was to discover all the footage it could, which admittedly wasn’t much as one-celled creatures don’t have feet. We have considered presenting a footprint for our viewers, but there is a great deal of debate as to just how large of one we should leave behind.

There has been a great deal of consternation among the Intergalactic Council since discovering the definition of common sense by the standard of your species. It is our suspicion that we’ve arrived too late to apply for the natural selection of common sense as the senses have already been genetically modified. This would explain why your species exhibit selective hearing, limited vision and tasteless appetites. I have put forth a suggestion we modify the request to include a petition for uncommon sense.

John Tannen: Your Intergalactic Council has been aware of Earth for quite a while now, ever since, as you say, you acquired fourth dimension awareness. Our scientists have not yet found such conclusions, or shall we say, we haven’t been allowed to publicly release our findings. I do wonder about your statement, the “engagement of neuronic impulses.” What is preventing the human species from becoming attune with the unconscious or superconscious elements of our brains?

Madama Mama: Much of the problem Earth humanoids have with neuronic impulses is they are forever breaking up the engagements. Neuronic impulses are very sensitive. Once they engage, they expect a lasting relationship. If you break off an engagement, there is no need to enlist the organist, now is there? Therefore, there is no tune for the unconscious to attend. Of course, getting the unconscious to attend anything is a dismal venture as their favorite position is in front of the television set. This television, I might add, is another symptom of genetically altered senses. Unable to use their own sense of sight, the genetically modified neuronic impulses must now rely on mechanically engineered vision.

The Super Conscious Elements, on the other hand, require a great deal of fine tuning. You can’t just throw them together like so many molecules of hydrogen or carbon dioxide or all you’ll get is sulphuric acid. You can spot a sulphuric Super Conscious by the acidity of its remarks and a peculiar aroma that follows it around. This can create an irritant better known as acute bowel movement distress. Once you have allowed all the elements a place in the orchestra and established a harmony between them, an agreeable Super Conscious might attend your performance.

John Tannen: I don’t know if I agree with your perception that intellectuals have been banned from several of our countries. Many of our world leaders are self-professed intellectuals. Our book writers are intellectuals, as are our movie stars and entertainers, many of which form their own religion. Intellectualism is alive and well online, and many smart human beings regularly pontificate on the moral degradation of society. What I perceive is that our society has rejected intellectualism in favour of patriotism. I wish I could say this was a new trend, but I don’t feel it is. I wish I could say that we became stupid at some point. But I don’t think so. I think if anything, we have only become more pretentious. After we evolved from the ape species, we developed pretensions, allusions and deep symbolisms, the likes of which the animal kingdom never bothered with. After all, animals find all of our rhetoric rather silly.

Madama Mama: Representative Tannen, I think we are now getting close to the debate between artificial intelligence and intelligent design. I’ve heard it mentioned many times that Earth humanoids weren’t designed very intelligently which is why artificial intelligence was recommended. Processors quickly discovered that intelligence reports were more easily simulated electronically than intelligent response, making intellectualism obsolete. Intellectuals have since been put on a time share plan, with rigorous requirements that include, but are not limited to, the confiscation of intellectual property. Perhaps you now understand the need for secrecy.

John Tannen: I have heard accusations of alien species being accused of cattle mutilations and the theft of rare earth. It is interesting that you defensively include all alien life forms in your statement, as if you resent stereotyping of your species. But how is that possible if you are a minority species in the universe? Are you implying it’s really a matter of The Human Earth Vs. All Extra Terrestrial Life? I wish I could say that the idea of the human species plundering other planets and solar systems, raping other life forms, and harvesting alien babies for sweetener, is a ridiculous idea. But I can’t. We are an alpha-species with delusions of importance. What did you think of Avatar, anyway?

Madama Mama: Understand, I have nothing against cattle mutilations; I’ve been tempted to mutilate a few in the past; but let’s put the blame directly where it’s due. I’ve not heard one alien say, “I want a hamburger” or propose to put up golden arches. It was the Mack Do Boys. They live at the top of the Do Boys Tower and are slowly migrating to Mars. They mutilated the cattle to find the perfect clone that will adjust to the Mars environment. Since mutilating cattle to extract clones is an expensive process, they ran out of their own experimental cattle and had to resort to stealing from their neighbors.

The same thing happened with the earth. They extracted so much to create prime Mars real estate, real dirt has become rare and everyone is frantic to find it. On the one hand, we have all these humanoids looking for a republic to stand on, when there’s no ground under their feet. On the other, are all these flatulent Mack Do Boys stirring up dust and blaming aliens for their cattle fetish. I can tell you, it makes for a very disagreement atmosphere. You can read more in my unpublished, never to be found book, “Mars and the Real Dirt”.

I’d say, be very careful of Avatars. They aren’t always what they appear to be. Now that the Intergalactic Council know this, they will keep a close watch on their neuronic impulses. I’m enthusiastic about your correspondence and hope you’ll join us in our quest for alien development through intelligent design.

After the interview ended, I thanked Madama, and went home to think over the ramifications of Mars politics and earth’s total obliviousness to universal issues. Part of me wondered why mankind was ever so intent to defy the law of gravity in the first place. Was it really our business to go beyond our atmosphere and question the laws outside our world, a world we hadn’t even begun to comprehend? Of course it wasn’t our place…and that is exactly why we did it.

We are an obnoxious species and I dread the day we finally do make contact and start imposing our will on new life and new civilizations, boldly assuming things that no one ever assumed before.

Before I wrote the story I took time out to go out and gaze up at the stars, glimmers and shimmers of hope that are unfortunately millions of light years away. I miss Bob Barker.