By The Late Mitchell Warren
Brain Overload Warning: This story contains over 500 words.
Here at Subversify, we respect, encourage and like death. Sure, even we on the executive committee have a heart. However, it’s hard to deny that when disaster, catastrophe and general human destruction occurs, our ratings go up. Before you assume that we the alternative press are only out for ratings, and that we are the soulless byproduct of a capitalist society fast on its way to financial and religious Hellfire, let me reiterate that everyone in some way, shape or form, enjoys the concept of death.
Death is unavoidable, and in many situations, death is viewed as some sort of karmic justice, the eternal essence of completion. Sentient beings are far more comfortable with the idea of death than the idea of perpetual existence. One usually doesn’t want to live forever; he or she desires to return to the Elysian fields, a cosmos of heavenly non-existence, where one is presumably united with the bosom of Abraham and falls at the knees of Jesus Christ, but in a very unromantic context. Perhaps we fear living forever, because the idea of learning the meaning of human existence—which by the way, is simply that mankind is retarded and does the opposite of whatever logic and compassion suggests is the right thing to do—over and over again across multiple generations would be too much to bear.
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Indeed, how many times would Albert Einstein appreciate learning quantum theory, unified field theory, and finding out that matter and energy are actually different forms of the same thing? If Einstein never died, he would eventually reach a cul-de-sac of human wisdom; the very idea that there exists worlds of knowledge that he could never access, would probably depress him more deeply than the knowledge of his 77th birthday never materializing.
Without death, there would be no sense of karmic balance in the world. Criminals would never be sentenced to death, because they would never commit any crimes. Dictators would no longer be feared, nor revered as geniuses; Hitler would only be known for his mustache and for his bad grammar and misspellings; Russian television would consist of Marx, Stalin, Lenin and Dostoevsky arguing incessantly in a debate that would probably feel a lot like CNBC’s Hardball (with more beards). Without something so lyrical as death, no religion, philosophy or political position would ever exist—because ultimately, no one would have ever died for what they believed in. I can envision teenagers forming their own postmodern, ironic, retro vicissitude (which would naturally clash with the quintessentially introspective omnipresent movement that suggests because everyone exists everything that is said “is”) and proclaiming with fearless glee that being kind to your neighbor is “gay.” Being kind and letting others be would probably be considered trite. Ruthless aggression would be the new fad, that is, if anyone could figure out how to be mean and actually kill someone else, rather than just talking smack about the absence of cognizance.
Belief would no longer be an issue because everyone would attempt to proselytize one another until everyone became bored and took a timeout to munch on granola bars. Jesus would still be carrying his cross trying to convince Moses that he should stop listening to Muhammad, who is pissed that Siddhartha Gautama just kicked him out of his home. Newspapers would be…interesting to say the least.
A world without death would be unbearable to most people, because it would lack finality. We would certainly have plenty of drama in our lives, considering the multiple generations of adulterous matches that could be taking place, but we would never have a final answer—a denouement, a eulogy, a testimony, an epitaph, or even a “screw you sucker, I guess you finally got what’s coming to you!”
Therefore, because I know the human race secretly desires death and misery as a motivational force (we either die for morality, or commit immorality to stall death) I do not want this list of “The 10 Most Likely Ways You Will Die” to be a personal affront to you. I am merely offering you these 10 likely demises as a gesture of goodwill.
Right now, you secretly want to die because…
(A) You want to go to heaven or be reborn in a perfect human body somewhere else.
(B) You want to get away from religious people preaching about heaven.
(C) You want to serve a capitalistic society, spend your lent money, and then die right on the government’s schedule with no overtime.
(D) You want to come back reincarnated as Megan Fox’s panties. (But the jokes on you, you’re actually going to come back as Joan River’s left breast implant)
(E) You want to be a martyr and example for whatever stupid thing you believe.
(F) Because you’re tired of hearing people bitch about how much life sucks.
(G) You haven’t accomplished anything and made a great name for yourself…you know, like Gary Coleman did. (God loves ya, Gary)
(H) You have fooled yourself into thinking you “accomplished” everything you ever wanted…when in actuality, all you did was collect worthless paper currency, screw people who were already horny and who probably would have screwed Gary Coleman if not you, and got a job or hobby that made you think you were having fun, when in actuality, all you were doing was killing time and making your life pass by at a much faster rate.
So it is with the utmost respect that I announce to you, the human being, with much love and understanding, the 10 ways you are most likely to die. Along with our ten ways, we will also present the Vegas odds of how you will die, along with who can be rightfully blamed for your death, and a healthy perspective on your manner of death.
10. Death by Natural Disaster
An Oxfam report suggests on average, almost 250 million people are affected by natural disasters every year. Very few people are capable of outrunning an apocalyptic earthquake…of course, very few people are John Cusack. By 2015, the report suggests that natural disasters will increase by 50% and affect nearly 400 million people a year.
Who to Blame?: Climate change, poorly built homes, environmental degradation and an over-harvesting of the earth’s resources. But you knew that, of course. You could blame your government or selfish oilmen all over the world, but let’s be honest…you’re the one that wanted those burgers, gummy bears and that savory veal dinner portion. So let’s blame the cows.
Vegas Odds: According to eBaum’s World (which must be accurate, considering the high number of boobs they show) the odds are 1 in 153,597 of a major disaster, but 1 in 51,199 in a major thunderstorm, and 1 in 81,701 for a lightning strike.
Healthy Outlook: You were destroyed in an Act of God. Isn’t that dramatic? It makes you think God actually knows your name and wants you dead. That means you must be one badass mother…
9. Terrorist Attack
Well, isn’t this just your luck? You’re minding your own business on a public transportation system, and then suddenly Josiah and Khalid decide that now is the perfect time to end their century-long rivalry even if it means blowing your pathetic little Starbucks-sipping face off. Isn’t this just paranoia? Won’t the government protect you? Michael Rothschild, a former business professor from the University of Wisconsin, worked out a number of plausible scenarios that fully convince me that the government will sooner or later fail to protect you.
Who to Blame?: Well you can’t blame all Muslims, or all Christians, nor can you point the finger at the government or terrorist-supporting nations. You could blame the president, but everyone’s doing that. Blame the real enemy: the Internet. The Internet has enhanced global communication, thus definitely proving what overseas nations suspected all along: that Americans are all pretty much assholes.
Vegas Odds: Rothschild speculates that at the absolute worst, you have lifetime odds of 1 in 1,300 of dying in a terrorist attack.
Healthy Outlook: Be positive about this scenario. It’s far more likely that you will die because the government failed to protect you, rather than you making enemies of an entire terrorist network who will stop at nothing to destroy you. Rest peacefully with the assurance that you will no longer cost the government any money and will have a cheap funeral that your sister-in law throws together at the last minute. The less fuss you make when you die the better.
The UC Davis School of Medicine and Medical Center through MedScape Today suggested that fires cause 300,000 deaths per year worldwide, and that “smoking is a leading cause of fire disaster and death worldwide”. Interestingly, the same article implied that we could all make a difference if we stopped smoking. It turns out that many children (and drunken rednecks) tend to start fires with abandoned cigarettes and cigarette lighters. The UC Davis School of Medicine and Medical Center figured it was already treading on thin ice, so opted not to mention the prevalence of fires caused by ditsy working moms anxious to prove they can be both pro-feminist and old fashioned and cook the hell out of that turkey.
Who to Blame?: You can’t blame the tobacco companies because there is no proof that cigarettes cause lung cancer. Besides, it’s just not fair to intrude upon the rights of others to share their secondhand smoke with humanity. Why not blame the people that really deserve it? Those idiots at TheTruth.com. If I have to hear another lung-less country singer belting it out on a mechanical larynx, I’m going to take up smoking out of pure spite.
Vegas Odds: 1 in 1,100 according to experts at the National Safety Council, but slightly less odds according to eBaum’s World, which suggested 1 in 1,235.
Healthy Outlook: Man first created fire, but that fire was destined to destroy man. If you don’t die in a fire, you will probably die from cigarette smoke. If you don’t die from smoking, you will probably die from a nuclear explosion. Even if you make it without dying from fire, your remains will probably still be incinerated, since that cheap-ass sister-in-law of yours is handling your funeral. Make peace with the element of fire before it “consumes” you.
7. Road Accident
The Who Global Burden of Disease Project reported that traffic accidents are killing approximately 1.2 million people a year and injuring 50 million people. If accident rates continue as they are, they are expected to be the third most common cause of global death by the year 2020. The leading cause of traffic accidents? Drinking while driving, using a cell phone while driving, yelling at your significant other (and looking for a reaction) when driving, making out while driving, and checking out hot passersby while driving. In other words, being human while operating a machine just doesn’t mix.
Who to Blame: Insurance companies. With the average cost of premiums exceeding over $1,000 in major cities, consumers know they are getting screwed by the insurance companies. No wonder we are forced to crash our cars on purpose (or subconsciously) just to get a portion of our investment back. Without our claims, we would be just throwing money away to insurance companies, proving once and for all they are glorified scam artists.
Vegas Odds: The National Safety Council says 1 in 6,500, but eBaum’s says 1 in 85. Probably because eBaum’s knows the way you led foots really drive when you’re alone and blasting those MC Hammer singles. (Maybe I’m revealing too much here…)
Healthy Outlook: Does a fatal crash hurt? According to Wiki Answers, the answer is
a resounding “Yes.” Nevertheless, it’s comforting to know that your death will inspire some young-ling to wise up and stop speeding on the freeway. He may eventually forget your powerful story and start drinking and driving anyway, at which point he will crash and then remember your story a second time—and then, and only then, when he’s slithering inside a hospital bed wearing a body cast—will he get the point. Then he will recover and go back to speeding and drinking again, but by then, your memory will be so over him it won’t even hurt anymore.
The Department of Food Safety as part of WHO states that about 3.8 million people die annually from food poisoning every year, most of whom are children, and over 40 million are injured. However, this figure does not take into account the number of people that may be dying because of questionable organizations like that Food and Drug Administration of the United States, which is not only corrupt, stupid and greedy, but personally sees to it that every FDA-approved product is contaminated with federal employees’ urine. The FDA repeatedly fails to reduce “the toll of diet-related and drug-induced disease in America”, as the Public Citizen’s Health Research Group states, and also continues to promote manmade cancer-linked products like aspartame and sucralose while burying cheaper and safer natural alternatives like artificial Stevia sweetener. With this sort of money-motivated incompetence governing over your lives, you might as well start gathering legless lizards and earthworms—before they are processed, packaged and sold as chewy organic pasta.
Who to Blame: Spineless corporate executives who are just too humble for their own good. The entire problem boils down to complicated ownership issues. If some multi-million dollar guru stepped up and claimed ownership of Stevia, not to mention the notorious hemp plant, then America could start profiting from these entities and thus remove the stigma of illegal, harmless plants. Come on, anybody? All you need is a fancy letterhead and one of these red dot labels for the deed sheet!
Vegas Odds: According to RiskoMeter.org you have a 1 in 3.23 chance of experiencing general food poisoning, but the fatality odds are somewhere around 1 in 3,000,000. Ebaum predicts you are far likelier to die from a self-induced drug overdose, giving you a 1 in 139 chance of dying from crack, Tylenol, Robitussin, heroine, valium, ecstasy, K2, Dramamine, birth control pills, cheap hair shampoo and deodorant, and whatever other toxins you absorb on a daily basis.
Healthy Outlook: Rest assured, with the FDA’s shoddy work as of late, you are probably already taking something lethal. The question is, how long can you defy the odds? The human body is surprisingly adept at flushing out those toxins. However, when you are stressed, or employed, or in a relationship, do or don’t believe in God, or frequently walk around in a public place, or keep a sedentary lifestyle, you tax your body’s resources and mental coping skills. Sooner or later, you will resort to ingesting something another that will hurt you. The key is to die from something “fun” and with as little fuss as possible.
Why can’t we admit that both guns and people kill people? The Independence Institute speculates that most gun death figures are exaggerated. Firearm death figures touted to be 500,000 a year, are more realistically 100,000 (war) and 50,000 (human stupidity) a year. Of course, this factoid clashes with research done by the American Journal of Public Health, which stated that in America alone 68% of the 233,251 homicides died because of firearms. Apparently, the first research team didn’t take into consideration crime scenes in which the murderer wisely took the gun home with him.
Who is to Blame?: I would point the blame at first-rate Hollywood villains like Dennis Hopper, Anthony Hopkins, Anthony Perkins, and Joe Pesci who scare the bejesus out of normal, everyday people trying to watch a good popcorn flick. After meeting Frank Booth in David Lynch’s Blue Velvet, I can no longer enter a stranger’s house, because I am halfway expecting to be beaten senselessly, quizzed about good beer, taken on a joyride, exposed to sadistic sex practices, and then shot in the face. (God love ya, Dennis) It’s the paranoia that comes from watching great Hollywood performances that truly breeds gun violence. With everyone arming himself or herself against crazy people (or the idea of Hollywood-style crazy people) one of those triggers is bound to go off.
Vegas Odds: 1 in 300 by eBaum, and 1 in 314 by another source.
Healthy Outlook: Try not to worry too much about this one, unless you live in America. Judging from the fact that 270 million of the 875 million known firearms worldwide belong to Americans, which averages out to about 90 guns per 100 people, the odds are that you probably already know someone who owns a gun and who is slightly unhinged and strangely possessive of your time. Since several northern states ban guns in the home, it’s doubly reassuring for me to live in Texas. Make peace with the fact that you may very well be shot to death over a petty argument (like gun control) and then work on convincing your potential murderer to switch over to rubber, plastic bullets or beanbag bullets for a less painful experience.
Suicide is immoral, a sin, a stupid action, and very inconsiderate to others—namely because you are doing the unthinkable and dying before the government declares it profitable. Rest assured, the government wants you to die (hence their poisoning of most natural resources and extensive military campaigns) but they have a very specific timeframe in which you can politely expire from this earth. If society can benefit from your organ donor cards and harvest a few products from your corpse, that’s even better. If life has taught you anything, then it should be that you must adhere to social etiquette and try not to individually offend anyone. (If you must offend people with your opinions, join a “movement” so that you can politely disagree in unison and with a clear label painted on your forehead) The World Health Organization estimates one million people kill themselves every year, and in an ever sinking world, the number is sure to increase by the year 2020. Suicide attempts are even more common than completed suicides; about twice as many people make the biggest mistake of their sad, pathetic lives and then fail yet again.
Who to Blame: Theories on what actually causes suicide differ greatly. Medication is often blamed, as is sexual abuse and the city of Las Vegas. One of the most interesting studies comes from Narth who suggest that early sexual experience, self-labeling, and activists encouraging self-labeling are contributing to suicide rates. So kids, you shouldn’t be proud of who you are. You don’t have to be ashamed per say, but maybe just shut up about your opinions and keep buying contraceptives.
Vegas Odds: That depends on whether you actually live in Vegas. If you live in Vegas, your Vegas odds of dying in Las Vegas are exceptionally high, with an odds ratio of 1.54. Suicide accounted for 2,452 deaths out of 94,278 people. Of course, if you leave Las Vegas, your odds slightly improve. Once leaving Sin City, you’re facing odds of 16 people per 100,000 or one death every 40 seconds.
Healthy Outlook: Before killing yourself, please give thought as to how the government will respond and how they can fiscally prepare for your death. There are plenty of polite ways to kill yourself over time. If you feel you must die as soon as possible, join the military and earn a distinction of bravery instead of cowardice. The gravest sin of suicide is robbing the higher authorities of their income, especially in this day and age of recession. To remove one’s self from the game before you are asked is impolite, and is what those in the insurance industry call a mortgage prepayment penalty. And if they can screw your surviving family members out of their benefits, rest assured they will.
OBAMA SAYS DON’T DO IT, MAN.
We don’t have odds to back this one up, but rest assured the more often you post and interact with people on Craigslist, the more you expose yourself to a violent death. While it’s hard to deny the true reason Craigslist is so reviled by government authorities (it is a hugely successful free website that generates tons of business but doesn’t contribute to the economy) it’s equally hard to deny that you will probably die if you meet someone off of Craigslist.
Who to Blame?: There’s just no way around it. Craigslist is responsible for a majority of murders occurring in the United States. Here is a source that clearly shows that Craigslist is work of the devil.
Vegas Odds: For every two ads you post on Craigslist you have a 50/50 chance of being murdered, robbed of your baby, attacked by a hammer, being kidnapped and suggested to an underage prostitution ring, and being raped by an Oscar-winner.
Healthy Outlook: It’s difficult to fathom a “bright side” to being murdered on Craigslist. In fact, we’re going to go ahead and suggest that if you want to rudely commit suicide go ahead and post an ad in the “Casual Encounters” section and show up unarmed (or at least unprotected). Craigslist is the most lethal pill and a crippling disease in its own right.
2. Bad Diet
The fact that you are taking so many lethal OTC and prescription drugs (not to mention that hidden crack stash) is beside the point. You are already killing yourself slowly with weekly groceries. You are eating processed foods, junk food, fast food, dead animal parts, hormone-pumped dairy products, and all sorts of items with artificial cancer-causing dyes. Oh but wait, you cackle, I’m only shopping for organic foods! Sure you are, and by organic foods you mean cleverly marketed products that appeal to your sense of guilt and fear. The fact of the matter is that most organic foods contain the same or worse ingredients than the average Wal-mart “Great Value” brand. The word organic means nothing; it’s a word housewives invented to retain mind control over their husbands and convince them they are actually eating healthy for a change.
When you shop, you are constantly surrounded by unhealthy ingredients that will contribute to a bad, life-threatening diet. Even if you manage to avoid trans-fat (practically illegal overseas) and high fructose corn syrup, you will still buy products that contain partial or whole hydrogenated soybean oil. Cheaper hydrogenated soybean oils have a higher melting point, which makes them ideal for extended shelf life. The funny part is (and thank you FDA) if a manufacturer includes than 1% of hydrogenated oils they do not have to list trans-fat as an ingredient.
Even if you’re smart enough to say no to these unhealthy elements you still have to beware of other “organic treats.” Refined sugar is in practically everything, and this substance raises insulin levels and depresses the immune system. Refined sugar, devoid of any nutritional value, also sucks out the nutrients you do put in your body, leaving you depleted of the good elements you manage to cram in there in between ho-hos. Bleached white flour (made in bread, pasta and cereal) has been thoroughly bleached of all healthy nutrients and fiber. You are therefore eating empty calories and ballooning yourself up for no good reason. Last but not least, we have fake sugar products, which the FDA has so patriotically approved while suppressing natural and healthier ingredients. These fake sugars include aspartame, saccharin, sucralose and phenylalkaline. These unnatural products expose you to a diabetes risk, and pump you full of chemicals that screw with your metabolism and expose you to a heightened risk of cancer. A lifetime of eating all of these unhealthy ingredients will expose you to following risks: heart disease, cancer, diabetes, liver disease, stroke and obesity.
Who’s to Blame?: Your brother. Whether you are a capitalist, socialist or neo-Nazi, you can’t very well argue the fact that your government just doesn’t care about your welfare. Capitalists will ensure cheap production of food which will eventually kill you. The socialists will rob you of your possessions and feed you cheap food anyway. Fascists will rob you of your possessions and then kill you for bitching about it. The funny thing is, all of these people are your own brothers and sisters. Your own fellowman is responsible for screwing you over. You might say that if you were in charge, or that if your chosen politician were elected to office, things would be different. But I know you’d screw me over too if you were elected to office because there’s been a million people just like you saying the same old shit. We are animals intent on killing each other, but with style!
Vegas Odds: WHO (no, not the “Who”) states that Heart disease kills an estimated 7.2 million people worldwide, while stroke takes 5.71 million. Live Science speculates from a number of credible sources (some of which were probably paid off by the FDA to understate figures) that 1 in 5 people will die of heart disease; 1 in 7 will die from cancer and 1 in 23 will die from stroke. What I’ve learned thus far about life and death is to never tell a person you are probably dying and then relate the low odds of survival. Because most of your friends will at that point start taking bets.
Healthy Outlook: If nothing else, this article has taught you that the odds are stacked against you of living forever. So just imagine yourself in a prison with a crazed Guatemalan prison guard asking you to pick your own poison—or die by firing squad. It’s a tough decision to choose your method of death, but you got to do it, and you got to do it fast before Estuardo starts waving his gun and goes ballistic. My advice would be to choose the sweetest poison, and the one that entices the most people to come and join you in your nihilistic final days.
Sexual intercourse (aka fertilizing the flower bed or taking the bullet train through Yonker’s tunnel) is quite possibly the most prevalent motivation for death and murder, if not the #1 cause of physical deterioration. The base animalistic desire for sex is a primary motivator for all aberrant and noble human activity. Sigmund Freud made a groundbreaking discovery when he linked sex to anxiety, parental conflict, aggression and narcissistic libido. Freud’s theories were allegedly disproven by modern psychiatrists and psychotherapists, though it likewise cannot be proven that Freud’s critics were nothing but sexually repressed freaks with unresolved mother complexes of their own.
The fact of the matter is that the sexual motivation and all of its pleasant side effects (increased desire for intimacy, increased talking, feelings of euphoria, true love, psychodrama, enhanced creativity, honorable Christian procreation and respectful human behavior) stem from base sexual desire. Therefore, many fatalities across the world can likewise be traced back to sexual needs. Who can deny that sex is the reason we also have sexually transmitted diseases, crimes of passion, numerous psychological problems and financial problems? Sex (or lack thereof) is also responsible for the creation of random psychopathic killers who go on a killing spree because of their inability to take “old one-eye” to the optometrist.
When asked for comment, an agitated God responded, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” He then declined further comment but continued to promote his book. A group of scientists agreed in unison that “Sooner or later, love is gonna get ya, Sooner or later, love is gonna win…” This grim thought that suggests that everyone dies from sex eventually, is supported by the study that suggests proverbial bachelors tend to die younger than old married folk. (And everyone knows married people hardly ever have sex)
The World Health Organization Statistics for STDs suggests that at least 340 million new cases of sexually transmitted diseases occur worldwide and the busiest travelers are between the ages of 15-49 years. Even if you don’t expose yourself to promiscuous behavior then you still stand a good chance of dying from a sexually-induced heart attack. Of all the 785,000 cases of first-time heart attacks, not to mention the 470,000 repeat heart attacks, less than 1% will die of a heart attack, which makes at least about 4,000 people in the U.S. alone vulnerable to the “best orgasm of their life.” Add to that another startling statistic: 1,000 people die from autoerotic asphyxiation. (God love ya, David Carradine) What else besides a carnivorous sexual desire could motivate a person to risk his life for one supreme wank?
Who to Blame?: Probably your parents. If they hadn’t engaged in intercourse and had you, you probably wouldn’t be reconciling these vastly conflicted feelings. (Not to mention disturbing visuals…yeesh)
Vegas Odds: 1-1. You will either die from too much sex, unsafe sex, physical problems related to sexual motivation, or from having no sex at all.
Healthy Outlook: Rather than fearing sexual intercourse like a good Christian, or spreading your seed indiscriminately all over people, walls and bathtubs like a libertarian, try to keep a balanced perspective. There’s a certain transcendent and almost peaceable irony that comes with the realization that you will die from the same eternal life force that first brought you into this world. If that doesn’t comfort you then take heart considering the Germany’s Max Planck Institute’s study, which indicates that you as an older man are medically obligated to date a hot young vixen. So forget those sneers and cackles as you escort your substitute granddaughter down the aisle. A hot young bod like that will keep you young another 20 years! Freud ascertained the primal theory that continues to be primary motivator behind religion and evolution alike—that of ceaseless procreation and gradual depopulation. No wonder ancient peoples worshiped fertility. Perhaps they got the point early on—sooner or later, love is gonna get ya…
“You want to intercourse me, don’t you?”
In conclusion, cheer up you old bugger. Nobody gets out of this place alive. Now that you are at peace with the fact that you’re going to die someday why not have a laugh at your own expense? If I were to die, I wouldn’t mind being serenaded by a half-naked Eric Idle, reassuring me that life, in all of its perversity and sadness, is actually quite silly.