By: Frank Castle
The following video footage was recovered from the smoldering remains of the television studio that hosted the last presidential debate in history…
Announcer: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the live broadcast of the presidential debates – tonight the candidates will inform us all of their intentions relating to foreign policy. And now we go live to the floor…
Moderator: Our first question tonight pertains to how each of you would handle the sensitive geopolitical climate in the Middle East – what is the prime directive behind any policy made for handling this war-torn environment?
Candidate #1: Blow the whole place straight to hell and take all the oil! So long as the got the fuel to keep our fighter jets flying and tanks rolling who the fuck cares about anything else? All that matters is that we kill all the terrorists!
Moderator: So, you’re saying that expropriation of the region’s resources for use by the military and killing terrorists is your primary concern?
Candidate #1: Damn straight! So long as we have the oil and kill terrorists nothing else matters – go USA!
Moderator: Ok… Does the other candidate have any thoughts on this issue?
Candidate #2: Well, the oil is important but what about human rights? Certainly we can’t ignore them – can we? If we are to invade an oil-rich region to fuel our military, we need to make sure that there’s a sufficient level human rights abuses to justify our presence in the region.
Moderator: So promoting human rights is your agenda?
Candidate #2: Yeah, but we can’t just ignore the oil either – after all, that resource *must* be developed for the purpose of keeping our jets flying and tanks running, you know.
Moderator: So then it’s really all about oil then?
Candidate #2: No! It’s all about ending human rights abuses so that we can get the oil.
Moderator: But you just said…
Candidate #2: It’s about keeping the peace and preserving democracy – and getting some oil on the side. Go USA!
Moderator: Uh huh… So, I suppose the next question should be about your policies concerning the balance of military force and diplomacy…
Candidate #1: I’m going to double the defense budget – more cash for more futuristic weapons and surveillance to fight terrorists!
Candidate #2: Double? I’ll triple it! We’re going to show the human rights violators out there who’s the boss here!
Candidate #1: Let’s not stop at mere tripling of the defense budget – let’s increase it five times over!
Candidate #2: No – ten times over!
Candidate #1: No – fifteen!
Moderator: Ok! I think we all get the message here – you really like the brute force option. But what about the diplomatic option?
Candidate #1: What? Negotiate with terrorists? Not on your life – especially not when they have oil!
Candidate #2: We can’t negotiate with those who violate human rights and have access to large amounts of resources – we have to commandeer them for the greater good!
Moderator: You know, you keep throwing these terms around – just who are the terrorist and human rights violators you keep alluding to anyway?
Candidate #1: The terrorists are those people that hate America – like those pacifist hippies, the “intellectual” types that want us true Americans to stop bombing the hell out of the terrorists or those militia types who believe that the government is “tyrannical” or some such shit! When I take office I will extend the war on terror to go after these menaces to American society as well!
Candidate #2: This war on terror has gone on long enough – we need to go after the human rights violators. Which coincidentally consist of hippie pacifist, the “intellectual” crowd and anti-government militia groups: these people oppose the attempts of the United States to enforce human rights, therefore they are with the violators of human rights and must be destroyed!
Moderator: Uh… Doesn’t it seem like you two really aren’t all that different from each other?
Candidate #1: No – I’m not some sissy “human rights” enforce! I kill terrorists for oil and to give my buddies at the Pentagon work!
Candidate #2: I only fight to champion the rights of man – and oil. And a few friends of mine in the Pentagon…
[A man from the audience steps forward]
Spectator: Fuck both of you! [man throws a grenade – turning candidate #1 into a pile of red paste before getting shot by security]
Moderator: I… Fuck it… [moderator draws a gun and fires on the security guards – as the guards go down a mob tramples candidate #2]
Announcer: What’s going on over there? What do you think you’re doing?
Moderator: If these two clowns are the best leaders America has to offer, we’re better off dead! [moderator turns to the rioting audience] Does anyone have some gasoline?
*all remaining footage is corrupted from fire damage*