Madama Mama’s Predictions
Editor’s note: Look deeply into the north sky and you will see the glittering force of Polaris, a star that has guided ship crews on their journeys, and around which, all other constellations slowly evolve. The follies and the struggles of humanity do not escape this bright eye, and though the distance is great, Polaris is not silent. Inhabited by a far more technologically advanced people, it sometimes sends messages to our Subversify staff through Madama Mama, diplomat to the Intergalactic Council and formal representative of the Great Motherboard. Some of you might know her. Some of you might have heard of her. At times, she graces us with her stories, but today she has a special message. After gazing into her fiber optic lens and calculating all the variables, she has presented to us her predictions for the year 2011.
1) Hillary Clinton will be arrested for espionage. After enabling the Espionage Act of 1917 in an effort to curb leaking documents, a flurry of sting operations will reveal that wire tapping sources lead directly to film actress, Angelina Jolie. After spending six months in solitary confinement, Jolie will confess, “Clinton put me up to it. She explained it was imperative to know how many African women were breast feeding as National security relies on how much pablum it can dish out. I would never have wired tapped the President of Nambia’s bedsprings otherwise.” Clinton will respond, “the issue we have here is not one of whether espionage is right, but one of who has the right to spy.”
2) In an anonymous decision, the courts will decide that only the New York Times has the right to publish secret or classified documents. U.S. Supreme Court Justice, John Roberts will say, “we do not, in any way, support the practice of publishing U.S. policies. Our economy is highly dependent on ignorance of the law. However, after extensive research, including the installation of spyware into personal computers, it has been determined that only left wing intellectuals read the New York Times, and as such, are not an endangerment to National Security.” Fox News calls the decision a triumph in democracy. In a press release, it states, “for too long now, intellectuals have criticized the publishing of real news, such as closet homosexuals in the Senate and the discovery of a virgin who gave birth to four children. America has spoken. We do not need intellectuals in government. We do not need intellectuals in our International affairs, and we certainly don’t need them in our press.”
3) Following a third banking collapse, private ownership will be illegal. Citicorp representatives will claim that the move was necessary. Economic analysts will agree. “The fault doesn’t lie with the banks,” they will claim. “It obviously lies with home owners. They are irresponsible. They don’t pay back their loans. The only way to jump start the economy is by giving everything back to the banks and letting them take it from there.”
4) In related news, rare earth will replace the standard of global currency. “This is why it’s necessary for us to own all land assets,” Citicorp will explain. “The Western world is in crisis. We can’t afford to let China shanghai us out of the best dirt.” Fort Knox will be emptied of all gold currency and replaced with rare earth for making i-phones. Glen Beck will state that it’s the patriotic thing to do. “What’s more important, really? A piece of dirt you’ll spend the rest of your life paying for, or an i-phone?”
6) “Coke” will be the next politically incorrect word to use. Cola manufacturers will be instructed not to use the word, “coke” in advertising their products. Spokesperson, Sarah Palin will say, “I don’t want my little babies growing up confused over the two separate uses of the word coke. One is a nasty, caramel flavored drink that rots your teeth, the other is what we use in the White House while trying to make important decisions.” There will be a hundred dollar fine for anyone who displays the word, “coke” on tee-shirts, trays, caps or other manufactured items.
7) In a surprise move, Bristol Palin will announce her campaign for presidency on an Independent ticket. “If Lisa Murkowski could do this, so can I,” she’ll announce. “I’m younger and prettier and I’ve danced with the stars.” Asked if it might create a conflict of interest in her mother’s candidacy, she’ll answer, “no. I’ll beat that mama grizzly, no problem. I’m younger, prettier and more popular than my mom. I danced with the stars.”
8) Michelle Obama’s physical fitness drive is declared constitutionally discriminating against fat people. Spokesperson, Sarah Palin, will announce, “We don’t want people to feel ashamed of being fat and lazy. It’s something we can laugh at, and we all know how good it feels to have a good laugh.”
9) Sarah Palin will be assassinated after eating some arsenic laced s’mores. The leading suspect will be Michelle Obama.
10) Arnold Schwarzenegger moves to Russia after China buys out Hollywood. Along with Tom Cruise and Quentin Tarantino, he invests in a movie studio. The studio goes broke after they shoot all the stuntmen, but they make a fortune off a sweet potato fry franchise. Asked if steps would be taken in the killings of the doomed movie studio’s hired help, Russia replies, “mind your own business.”
11) A fourteen year old boy in Dublin makes a fortune from posting stolen video clips of the murdered stuntmen on U-Tube. He is later arrested for not clearing classified material with Hillary Clinton. Iceland bails him out and he begins his own movie studio.
12) It’s discovered that Dubai is actually a space station and that the world’s wealthiest people were colonizing Mars. A Canadian school boy blows the whistle after seeing Goldman Sachs give some beads to an alien. America demands the right to try the boy for espionage, and Canada refuses, thus starting World War III.
In parting, I’d like to say, Polaris will not be giving out green cards to Citicorp. Those lousy beads were made of plastic and every time we used our i-phones to complain, we were given denial of service. Also, keep in mind that seeing the future means being able to change it. If you make no effort to change it, just remember: You read about it first at Subversify.
The Late Mitchell Warren’s Predictions
I don’t have much to say on this topic because I am quite agitated and depressed at the fact that the world will end in 2012. How do I know this? Because (A) the Mayans predicted it. (B) God is angry and ready to destroy our corrupt human world. (C) Hollywood told us so, in a little movie called 2012. (And just so you know, despite John Cusack’s convincing performance, NO ONE can outrun the destruction of the world)
So enjoy your last year of life on this pathetic planet, all of you Philistines. Subversify Magazine officially endorses the End of the World in 2012. (Which may or may not coincide with Sarah Palin’s presidential bid) Here is my list of predictions…if you can tell that I’m out of it, and not quite focused, how can you possibly blame me? 2012 is almost here…
In U.S. Politics…
President Barack Obama will finally piss off God and bring about the destruction of Harmageddon. When asked for a statement, God will reply that Obama’s policies towards censorship, over-spending and bad medical care planning were simply too much to hold back the gates of Heaven. (And the fact that he’s a Muslim atheist, non-U.S. citizen can’t hurt, because as everyone knows, God blesses America) Obama will then try to do the unthinkable and censor God under an espionage act. God will then file a lawsuit against the United States. It will all be pretty pathetic and unfunny, directly leading to the end of the world in 2012.
The U.S. Dollar will drop in value after yet another mishap by the U.S. Federal Reserve. The U.S. will then switch to a new standard: trans-fat per ounce. The U.S. will tempt other nations with its high levels of trans-fat, hydrogenated oil and hormonally-saturated meats. China, North Korea and Russia will be particularly interested in this new standard, since they will see it as an innovative way to slowly kill off trouble makers instead of massacring them in public.
The Academy Awards will file for bankruptcy. The system of rewarding marginally talented actors for soft-core pornographic performances will continue. However, audience members (and Internet users) will now be allowed to bid on actors, and the winning bid will be symbolized by the statuette. The winning bidder will get to take the Academy Award winning actor home and rape him/her in awful ways. For once, we will all care who wins.
Disney and Pixar will turn a few heads by one-upping Dreamworks and creating a 3-D animated version of “The Human Centipede”, retooling it “How to Train Your Human Centipede.” The cartoon will feature the voices of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Michael Moore, all the women from The View, and other famous political commentators whose heads are firmly placed up other people’s asses.
Subversify Magazine Predictions…
Dr. Phal’s name will mistakenly be placed on certain gubernatorial election ballots. He will win by accident but none of the Democrats will notice a talking penis is in charge of their lives.
Sarah Palin will stumble upon one of Subversify Magazine’s articles, probably a Mitchell rant likening her private parts to one of the horrible mutations from John Carpenter’s “The Thing.”
She will threaten to sue Subversify and so Mitchell will create a new pen name for himself: Miguel Woriega. With the entire staff fleeing for their lives, Stacy will reclaim ownership of the site and turn it into an all porn extravaganza with occasional satirical commentary. (i.e. Obama heads randomly appearing, covering up bare skin) Total hits will slightly increase and most of our loyal viewers thus far will stay.
Miguel Woriega will finally win an Oscar…but then be won by the highest bidder, Gabourey Sidibe. But by December 2011, the end of the world will be nigh, so he will be spared a fate worse than death.
Have a great year, you sad, sad human beings.
Bill The Butcher’s Predictions
Happy New Year 2011 and all that jazz. Usually, I do some kind of video on the New Year featuring me doing something ridiculous, but you know what? This time I’ll give it a rest. Yeah, this time, your eyeballs and ears will be spared.
But anyway, being a sadistic and cruel bastard, as well as an evil genius, I have ripped through space and time to purloin from the sleeping dragon Komondor the One Great Jewel of Truth, in whose depths I can see everything that ever was, is, or will be.
Accordingly, I shall ruin your digestions as well as your sleep by informing you of exactly what is in stock for the world this 2011.
Without any further urinating in diverse directions (i.e. pissing around) I’ll get to the predictions:
India will see the birth of a new political party, the Corruption Front. Its only agenda will be to make money corruptly. It’s slogan will be “In Bribery is Strength”. India’s capitalist class will fall over themselves endorsing the party, and billions will flow into its coffers. Extreme right wing magazines like India Day Before Tomorrow will write entire issues proving that corruption is an engine fuelling economic growth and that “the bad old days of honesty” must be junked forever. The euphoria will come to an abrupt end in April when the Central Committee members of the Corruption Front will disappear with all those billions in funding.
Internationally, Wikileaks will publish leaked telegrams proving once and for all that the American Embassy in Berzerkistan has concluded that Iranian President Ahmadinejad is an alien face-sucker who is draining the souls out of everyone else on the planet. The source of this information is judged too sensitive to be disclosed.
The new sport of Waterball will catch on in a big way after CNN inadvertently endorses it while actually trying to be sarcastic about a game involving men throwing water balloons at each other and trying to doge. Nobody recognises it as sarcasm, and Nike immediately announces that it would sponsor the World Waterball Federation. Waterballers fall over each other setting up such a federation.
A major terrorist strike in India will be averted by schoolchildren parading with placards saying TERRORIST UNCLE, PLEASE DON’T KILL US. Ten thousand Islamic terrorists will instantly surrender, tears of remorse in their eyes. The extreme Hindu Right will respond with a pogrom murdering a hundred and twenty thousand Muslims, since they no longer have the terrorists to protect them, and justify it as a tender-hearted move whose only purpose is to send Muslims to Paradise. The Government of India will set up a commission to probe the incident, with orders to submit a final report by 2025.
Internationally, Wikileaks will publish telegrams stating that North Korean dictator Kim Il Sung has actually been living in New York for years, and that his role in Pyongyang is being played by a female actor hired from a Hollywood talent agency.
Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh will declare that the erstwhile Corruption Front had a point, after all, and that his party will henceforth look to utilising corruption as an agent of economic growth. The right wing parties begin disputing him over who is more corrupt, and therefore more fit to lead the nation. Parliament will be stalled on this issue.
Israel will drop a ten-thousand-kilogram bomb on a school in Gaza and claim it was essential because someone had scrawled “Death to Zionism” on a blackboard. Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu will, while immediately prohibiting the import of blackboard chalk into Gaza and the West Bank, proclaim that the Jewish State will do anything it takes to protect itself. Barack Obama will call the Israeli Ambassador to the White House in order to register a strong protest, and end up announcing ten trillion dollars of new weapons aid to Israel instead.
Sports: A major legal dispute will erupt between Adidas and Nike over sponsorship of rival World Waterball Federations.
Bollywood will release a film which, everyone will agree, must win the Oscar in 2012. This film, called Superstar, will star every single big name in Bollywood and will comprise the males throwing punches and inflammatory dialogue (such as “Dog! I have come to drink your blood”) at each other while the females run around trees singing songs. Everyone will be convinced that this is the soul of Bollywood and if nothing else, India’s status as a growing superpower means that Superstar must be given the Oscar. Expatriate websites fill up with fervent support for the film.
China will launch a rocket carrying a communications satellite. Indian strategic experts, calling this an extremely worrying step, demand that India should immediately buy ten aircraft carriers from the United States and send troops to join in the Afghanistan war.
In Britain, a ten year old girl will have a baby with her nine year old boyfriend. The girl’s twenty-two year old mother will confess herself mystified. “I thought they were playing with her dolls,” she will say.
The erstwhile leaders of the Corruption Front will reappear in Delhi and arrange for funding of the ruling Congress Party in return for top-level posts in the government. The magazine Business Day Before Tomorrow lauds magnate Mukesh Ambani as India’s Foremost Tax Evader. “Tax evasion and consequent corruption is the best thing that could happen to this nation today,” the magazine says.
The US Government declares Iran an extreme threat after an Iranian dog is found to have strayed over the border into Iraq. “Such dogs can be trained to attack US personnel stabilising the situation in Iraq,” General Ray Odierno proclaims. “We must immediately destroy the Tehran regime before another dog can cross the frontier.”
As monsoons fail, eight thousand farmers a day commit suicide across India. The government takes over their lands and hands them over to Monsanto and other agri-business companies, citing economic necessities. Ten billion tons of stocked grain are dumped into the ocean since the agri-business lobby expresses concern that they may drive down prices to uneconomic levels.
North Korean anti-aircraft batteries shoot at South Korean fighters firing missiles into the sea just off a North Korean beach. Seoul and Washington, declaring this an act of intolerable provocation, immediately ban the export of salt to North Korea. “This is meant to hurt the North Korean regime, not the common people,” Hillary Clinton declares.
The first World Waterball Championship is held in Miami, Florida. All South American nations except Colombia boycott the event after President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela is denied a visa. The US wins the final by default when the entire Afghan team is sent to Guantanamo Bay for being suspected Al Qaeda members.
Bombay erupts in violence after a statue of Maratha King Shivaji is found to be 30 cm shorter than the Statue of Liberty. Muslim and North Indian saboteurs are blamed for this as Hindu goons go on the rampage. As a measure to stop the violence, Bombay is renamed Shivaji Nagar and a law is promulgated that henceforth everything in the city, without exception, has to be named after Shivaji.
A Muslim girl pulling at an ill fitting sanitary napkin is arrested in Los Angeles International Airport as a potential terrorist, and female passengers throughout the US are banned from wearing sanitary napkins on all flights. After vigorous counter-lobbying from sanitary napkin manufacturers, tampons are banned as well. “If you’re menstruating,” Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano declares, “either sit in your own blood or don’t fly.”
On India’s Independence Day, 15 August, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh signs an agreement allowing the US to directly and for all time to control India’s foreign relations and economic policies in return for backing Delhi’s claim to a permanent seat on the UN Security Council. Opposition parties who protest are banned and their members imprisoned. Indian strategic experts hail both these steps.
In Afghanistan, Taliban insurgents surround Kabul and besiege President Hamid Karzai in his own palace. General David Petraeus declares that this is an obvious sign that the US is making progress, and demands an immediate “son of surge” committing an additional 350,000 troops to Afghanistan. Britain immediately introduces conscription in order to provide its share of soldiers for Washington’s present and future wars. Prime Minister David Cameron praises the nine-year old mother and asks British girls to start breeding early and young. “We owe it to our allies across the pond,” he says, to widespread derision.
A serious debate begins in India over doing away with the republic and reintroducing the monarchy, with the Gandhi family as the dynasty on the throne. “After all,” Italian-born matriarch Sonia Gandhi declares, “the Gandhi family has made so many sacrifices to the nation that nobody else has a better claim. The nation owes it to us, as well.” However, internal dissension forces a national referendum on who is to be king, scheduled for November. In large numbers, politicians and businessmen declare their own candidature. Tycoon Mr Rotten Tatter is thought to be the front-runner, just ahead of Sonia Gandhi’s son Rajiv.
Wikileaks releases cables proving that US Special Forces abducted the Iranian dog and released it over the Iraqi border in the first place. American Congressmen and Senators unanimously sign a formal resolution approving of a drone attack to kill Julian Assange, and asking for “hurtful” sanctions on Iceland for giving him asylum.
Waterball suffers its first casualty when eighty-nine year old Bob Bruce drowns after a balloon ruptures after striking his dentures during a seniors game. Standards are changed immediately to provide for burst-proof balloons.
India bans all environmentalists and human rights activists as being Maoists and traitors. In a special telecast to the nation, Manmohan Singh declares that all forests should be destroyed since “jungles provide shelter to leftist rebels and occupy valuable land which could be used for businesses to further enrich themselves and help economic growth.” Activists of all shades, including Bill the Butcher, go into hiding and take up arms against the government.
Iran begins preparing to defend itself against an American attack after Israel declares that unless the US destroys Tehran by the end of the year, Tel Aviv would have no alternative but to kill all two-legged Arab beasts under its control. As a preliminary measure, Binyamin Netanyahu orders the bombing of all restaurants in Gaza and the West Bank. “These eateries feed and comfort the enemies of Israel,” he says.
India has a surprise winner in the Royal Plebiscite when ex-schoolteacher and Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh, Mayawati, wins the election with just over half the vote, comfortably beating everyone else. She immediately orders the building of a statue of herself in New Delhi, twice the height of the Eiffel Tower, and presents herself with ten billion rupees from the national treasury. “It’s the pride of all lower-caste people that I occupy the throne,” she says. “And my crown shall be made of nothing but thousand-rupee currency notes…”
Osama bin Laden issues a video in which he is dancing and singing with veiled but topless women, while celebrating the imminent downfall of the West. In the middle of the video, he has a heart attack and drops dead. In retaliation, an Al Qaeda suicide bomber blows up his dirty socks in front of a synagogue in Boston.
Mayawati and Sonia Gandhi have a screaming catfight over who has better claim to the throne after Rahul Gandhi says the referendum was unfair. The fight ends when a special commando of rebels led by General Bill the Butcher storms the Royal Palace and launches a coup d’état. Politicians all over India are soon hanging from lampposts by their intestines.
The Loch Ness Monster emerges from the lake and demands an interview on Fox News. Fox, however, is too busy preparing the ground for the invasion of Iran to spare any time for the poor Monster who, justly enraged, looks for revenge. Barack Obama, looking for endorsement for his 2012 electoral run, wants a photo-op with the Monster, which promptly eats him on Christmas Day, and on live TV. The Monster suffers immediate secret rendition and waterboarding, and Scotland is bombed instead of Iran.
Waterball ends after it is blamed by the Pope for being immoral and anti-Catholic in its values.
On to 2012…