Can Spending Fix the Holiday Blues?

Anonymous: Hello Subversify, is it true that holiday spending can help the Holiday blues?
Hello Anonymous, I’m glad you asked. Tis the season to decorate our abodes with seizure inducing light displays and stack up the credit cards near the front door in anticipation of debt crazed spending frenzy known as holiday shopping. Having done important research in this human behavior at several local indoor retail markets know as “malls”, I have noticed that holiday depression is replaced by exuberance in a Darwinian survival-of-the-fittest test in which those who secure the best gifts win.
To help assist our readers in the holiday bloodletting, Subversify will provide tips to help our readers survive the mayhem of holiday shopping. 

 5 Holiday Must Haves

5. Merchandise assurance devices.  You know your niece really wanted that Malibu Barbie, but that bitch in the red high heals elbowed you in the gut to get the last one on the shelf. Rather than suppress your sense of civility in favor of a good holiday shanking, you can now use tools that allow you safely secure the merchandise with minimum effort on your part.

 

4. Behavior inhibitors. You wouldn’t attempt baking a cake without the yeast, not unless a flat lump of goo is your idea of baking. In the cesspool of American malls, one needs to abandon any sense of humanity in order to secure merchandise.  In order to insure the appropriate mindset, its best to use some of the tried and true methods for erasing any of those rational faculties that might get in the way of making harsh or rash purchasing decisions.

3. Debt accumulation tools. Like the Visa commercial insists, you’ll feel far better making purchases with plastic than cash. Sure it costs you in finance fees and interest rates, but if you used cash you wouldn’t have those fashionably decorated cards and the wondrous beeping and sliding action that brings happiness to so many. And the best part is that you don’t have to think about all the money you spend right away, the magic of debt allows you transplant all those negative feelings of obligation and buyers remorse far into the future when the bills arrive.

 
2. Holiday Apparel. Nothing brings out the holiday spirit more than dressing for the occasion. And what better occasion to break out the vulcanized body amour?  When everyone is diving headfirst into the bargain bin on Christmas eve, you’ll be ready to secure that last package of tube socks from the frenzied masses with the latest in pseudo-fascist fashion. Designed by high ranking members of the Republican party to endure the rigors of race wars conceptualized by right-wing think tanks, this tactical amour is a must for any serious holiday shopper.
 
1) Mall Commuting. The most problematic and stressful portion of holiday commuting is parking. With thousands of holiday shoppers cramming their cars into parking facilitates, finding a space can be damn right problematic. The lucky souls that find parking are then cursed to having to locate their car in the parking gridlock.  A solution developed in rural America may be the answer. Monster Trucks have brought pleasure to audiences and drivers alike with their ability to fix parking problems. Rather than search for a parking spot, drivers can simply make their own. This elegant and simple solution will save hours of time while simultaneously rewarding the driver with the thrill and excitement of carving out a path through the crowded parking complex. Nothing says Christmas like the sound of someone else’s presents being ground into oblivion under the weight of giant tires.