Tue. May 28th, 2024

(ABPI) Ottawa –Prime Minister Steven Harper ceded that the fourth Canadian federal election in seven years will take place after his Conservatives were unable to defeat a motion of non-confidence by the opposition parties last Friday. In addition to the dissolution of Parliament, the Parliamentary Ethics Committee has been ordered by Speaker of the House, Peter Milliken, to investigate whether or not Prime Minister Steven Harper acted inappropriately during the UN Security Council’s emergency meeting on Libya in Paris two weeks ago. The allegations were presented to the House of Commons last Thursday by American ambassador, David Jacobson, on the behest of Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton.
Ambassador Jacobson read a statement prepared by Clinton that stated that during the Paris meetings Steven Harper “had his face blatantly up Nicolas Sarkozy [President of France]’s ass”. Clinton further stated that this action could deeply deter Canadian/American relations as Canada has always brown-nosed to the American representatives and that “she was deeply hurt by the Prime Minister’s deference and failure to acknowledge this tradition”.

To emphasis the depth that the American Secretary of State had felt, Ambassador Jacobson added to his address of the House of Commons, “Mister Speaker, Mrs Clinton, as a sign of respect for our Northern neighbours and our closest ally, spent an extra two minutes on the bidet to ensure that her rectal sphincter was highly presentable for the anticipated action of the Canadian Prime Minister – which were never forthcoming.” … voice trembled as he continued his statement commenting with tears running down his cheeks, “Are you aware of the wretched condition of France’s watershed? The Secretary had to endure hours of her hinney hole being extremely chafed, even with emergency purchase of several sticks of chapstick that was then applied – it took hours for the emergency relief mission of a platoon of Marines to Haiti to round up the required number of the rural working poor employed by American production companies to obtain enough blood for a moisturizing bath to bring her comfort!” to further illustrate the depth that Mrs. Clinton felt, Ambassador Jacobson pulled out a disorientated looking Lindsay Lohan and a half drunk forty ouncer of “Canadian Club” from his briefcase and threatened to whisper in her ear that the House of Commons gift shop was a jewellery shop in Venice Beach.

After Prime Minister Harper sentenced Jacobson to be tied to the back of a moose cow during rutting season for his impertinence; Federal Liberal leader, Michael Ignatieff, and Bloc Quebecois leader, Gilles Duceppe, then ripped off their suits to reveal a tiger and a leopard string thong respectively, greased their bodies with the blood, sweat and tears of the Canadian taxpayer and threw themselves at each other, grappling to get first speaking rights at the upcoming Question Period, looking as sexy as hell as only two over paid politicians who have never had a callous that throbbed painfully on the tips of the fingers could. After a five minute tussle, Duceppe conceded victory to Ignatieff who promised the other that he would call him…soon, while they re-dressed. Elizabeth May, leader of the Green Party would later state during the scrum following the end of session that the Canadian public should take note that both men knew that they were lying to the other, and they would to the public too because neither looked at the other while they made their promise to the other of communication. Within minutes, Ignatieff called for a vote of non-confidence because the Harper government was in contempt of parliament.

Though hinting he would vote against the Liberal motion, New Democrat leader, Jack Layton, fearing that Harper would disregard the seriousness of the American allegations which could lead the American government to mandate a disruption of service from American Broadcasting Company to Canadian satellites of their programming, supported a Bloc Quebecois and Liberal motion of non-confidence. During his twenty minute oration on why the New Democrats were supporting the motion, Layton’s voice broke several times as he stated with uncharacteristic fervour how he would “just die” if he was unable to watch Canada’s own Chris Jericho on “Dancing with the Stars”. The final vote would be 156 -145 in favour of the motion.

Saturday, hours after Prime Minister Harper announced that the date for the election would be May 2nd, he and several of his cabinet ministers broke the tradition of issuing a press release to instead taking to the internet to do a historical live pod cast* to plead their case on why the Canadian public should not only re-elect Harper and the Conservatives, but elect enough Conservatives to form a majority government. Harper and the cabinet ministers, however, did not break the tradition of remaining silent on their actions which resulted in the pod cast being only seen by three Canadian Navy ensigns on leave Newfoundland that accidentally stumbled upon the web site after ingesting four shots of Screech and misspelling on a lap top “Tori Spelling”on Skype. The pod cast was originally reported as “nonsensical” by the three naval personal but it was noted that the Prime Minister Harper claimed to have Don Cherry’s jeans and beaver blood. In a statement released by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police in regards to inquiries of a possible break in of Mr. Cherry and a massacre of beavers that would have been assumed to be the work of devil worshippers, or Conservative fund raisers, it was stated that after investigation, and a short game of scrimmage with Mr. Cherry, that there was neither a break in at his residence or any wildlife agencies reporting the finding of masses of beaver corpses.

*In the fine tradition of the Department of Defence arming the men and women of the Canadian Armed Forces with marked down, priced to sell, hand-me-downs, obsolete warfare technology, armoury and vehicles that no other government in the world feels confident enough in to arm their own military forces with any longer, the pod cast was captured by the 8mm camera that the three drunk navy ensigns had re-tooled to act as a web cam for the top of the line 1998 Compaq lap top that the Department of Defence delivered, along with the 8mm cameras, to the Canadian Armed Forces to use in December 2010 as “Christmas gifts”. After scouring thirteen hundred photo developing labs for one that did not have some stoned sixteen year old with a slaw jaw and a vocabulary interrupted by the constant snapping of the wad of gum in their chipmunk cheeks with a confused look on their faces and saying, “so like, this is one mother of a jump drive” while looking for a usb port on the case, the film was developed and the following is the transcript of this historical pod cast.

The image flickers at count down from eight to one; there is a close up of someone’s palm, perhaps adjusting the focus on the web cam being used. The hand moves away and there is the smiling, though haggard looking, Steven Harper sitting on an ornate looking toilet while to the right, sitting tightly together in a Victorian era clawed bathtub, huddled together Minister of National Defence, Peter MacKay, the Minister of Labour, Lisa Raitt, the Minister of International Cooperation, Beverley Oda and Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism, Jason Kenney. Steven Harper holds a golden plunger, knocking its suction cup three times on the wide forehead of Kenney then speaks.

Harper: People of Canada, I salute you –
People of the nationalism, I salute you. You present the world the true pictures of the Harperian people. You present the truth that the agents and cowards are trying to distort, to cover, to give a wrong picture of you before the world. Some Liberal media are betraying you and depicting you as a bad people: “look at Conservatives, look at Conservatives! Conservatives don’t want victory. They don’t want revolution. Conservatives want to bring back colonialism. “But here in the john of 24 Sussex Drive what do they want? Canada is leading continents, Africa, Asia and South America. Victory to the people of Canada.

New Democrats want no identification, identity when they say to people, When they say Canada, Revolution, Canada, Harper, all Western nations consider us, as the mecca, rulers of the world, even the superpowers, they want to converge on Ottawa. Liberals want to insult you. We want to retrieve in the square, everywhere, Steven Harper has no rule. He’s not the Prime Minister, he’s the leader of a revolution, and he has nothing to resign. Revolution means always sacrifice until the end of life. This is my country, the country of my great-grandfathers, we paid people to plant, and we hired someone to water it with your grandfather’s blood. We deserve Canada from those rats and agents, who are being paid by security persons, damn them, damn their tribes, if they have tribes, they don’t have tribes, they don’t have originality. All tribes are with us here, they can see us all chanting the same slogans. Everyone challenging, we challenge America with its mighty power, we challenge even the superpower in the world and we became victory. Here they put their heads down. It’s not victory for the cities of Canada, but victory for the Canadian people. This is the victory they want to give a bad picture about. Afghanistan, Somalia, Haiti, the Empire of the time, fell apart by Canadian toil. I am bigger than any job, I am a revolutionary, I am from Toronto, from oasis that brought victory, and enjoy it from generation to generation, Canada will remain at the top and will lead to the re-colonization of Africa and south America.

MacKay: Uh, your lordship? Perhaps it would be better to tone the rhetoric down just a smidgen. With the majority of the Eastern voters hesitant in the previous elections to vote us in because you’re seen as a cold, calculating and conservative extremist…

Harper: I will not tone it down! I’ve had enough of having to pretend that I’m not special – I am special, gosh darn it! I’m the Prime Minister of Canada! I’ve got Don Cherry’s jeans and beaver blood running through my body!
(sound of a sweaty back peeling of porcelain)
Oda: You said our game was our little secret!
You said that knowing how to handle the stick was the way the game was won (wailing) and I told you that maybe we should wait a couple of days until it was done!
(sound of stomping and door slamming)

Harper: Ah..well…ahem…yes…where was I? Listen, I’m tired of trying to lower myself down to the people of Canada; they’re all my peons and should….

Kenney: You told me that it was a secret Conservative Cabinet initiation ceremony
Harper: What?

Kenney: The treachery! Oh the treachery! To think I just laid their with my mouth open and let you do…that –because only the elite are allowed to drink from the fount of the holy water….and then to find out that you’ve been urinating on each and every Canadian all this time – I just can’t stand for this deceit

Raitt: Good thing you’re already sitting on your fat butt already then, isn’t it?
Kenney: It’s not my fault that I have a weakness for Tim Horton’s “Tim Bits” – maybe you shouldn’t have bought so many!
Harper: Silence! Keep your eyes on the ball, people!

Raitt: Your highness, we would most eagerly do so, but couldn’t you help us out just a bit by turning to face us and drop your pants? I’m just not that good at visualizing ‘sexy’…

Harper: Silence! Ahem….We cannot hinder the process of this revolution from these greasy rats and cats. I am paying the price for staying here. I will not leave this office and I will die as a martyr at the end…
MacKay: Eat much more Broccoli and it’ll us who end up being the martyrs….

Harper: I am talking to you from the house which was bombarded by a hundred and seventy slurs, by Liberals, ND’s, and the Bloc. They left all houses and were aiming for Harper’s policies. Is it because he is Prime Minister of the country? They could have treated him like other prime ministers, but Steven harper is history, resistance, freedom, victory, revolution. This is an admission from the biggest power that Steven Harper is not the prime minister, is not a normal person, you can’t poison him or lead demonstrations against him. When boobs were nay saying my reproductive technology policy, and trying to kill the future of unwanted children, where were you, you rats? Where were you those with big media scrums? Where were you? You were in Sweden. You were applauding your master, the oh “we’re the really progressive ones” Swedes. One hundred and seventy slur, left all palaces and leaders and kings and came to the great house of Steven Harper. This is a victory we should not be relinquished by anybody, any country or people, in myself Canada or any mission(?) fighting back the tyranny of the Liberals, we did not give in, we were resilient, here. I am a winner! People of Canada, you are either with the Steven Harper or with those loser smurfs…

MacKay: Smurfs, sir? Are you sure you want to go with smurfs?
Harper: I just said so, didn’t I? Why, what’s the problem with smurfs?
MacKay: It’s just…
Kenney: Smurfs are sort of adorable tiny blue men, sir

Raitt : Oh? Tiny blue men, uhm, are they nudists from Greenland? I bet if we shipped a few power heaters over there they’d get bigger – that’s a sexy story, isn’t it?
Harper: Fine – How about loser gnomes then?
MacKay : I don’t think that would be at all wise
Harper: Why not?
Raitt : Considering the fiasco with the American’s already, do you really want to insult the Alaskans like that?
Kenney: Wouldn’t they be called Nomians?
Raitt: Maybe Nomites?

Harper: Oh for the love of….look, how about I say the people of Canada are either with me or with those loser Charlie Sheen’s – he’s on the trendy black list, isn’t he?
MacKay: Yess….
Raitt: Sir, he’s, for sure, mentally unhinged…
Harper: Buh –ttt…

Kenney: Sir, he’s got more money than Prince Edward Island’s deficit and has two women as his live in girlfriends – one of which has made a name for herself doing thing that would cost an extra hundred on the corner of Gaetz and Ross.

Harper: Fine fine fine! So what’s another word for whine, then?
(three minutes of the ministers looking blankly at each other while Harper Glares from his throne)
Raitt: How about harp?
(Harper looks at the other ministers)
Harper: Any problems with harp?
(all the ministers shake their heads)
Harper: In close, People of Canada, you are either with the winners or with those loser harpers…
(film reel ends)

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3 thoughts on “American Allegation Triggers Canadian Federal Election”
  1. For the record, Nomans have known about harpers since ancient times. They have a particular history involving harpies, who are the feminine form of harpers. The harpies trapped sailors into slamming into icebergs by screaming in their ears that they missed the turn off to the shopping mall. Once they were trapped on an ice flow, the harpies chose their husbands from among the sailors, by slapping them in the face with a salmon. In later years they became known as fish wives. Technically, then, there is something very fishy about harpers.

  2. AS I recall, Harpies are also infamous for shedding their dietary refuse from ahigh down upon the hapless innocents that dwell below – I wonder if it is possible that our fearless Prime Minister is merely one of those pioneering souls who took those steps for gender re-assignment.

    Of course there are harperian people – though down south they’re better known as the “Tea Party”.

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