With all the hoopla about Superman vs. Batman, the Avengers vs Thanos and dare we say…Antman vs Thanos (ahem, or a part of Thanos) it’s clear that superhero dating is alive and well. There’s obviously some flirting going on with Superman and Wonder Woman, the Hulk and Scarlet Widow and Batman and…well, pretty much Batman and everybody. Because in case you haven’t heard, women just adore Batman because angry billionaires with wonderful toys never goes out of style. Still, if you’re a single woman and are determined to improve the gene pool by marrying and reproducing with your ideal superhero, or if you’re a lonely and brooding crime fighter looking to improve your dating odds, it’s time to review our list of the most common complaints made about dating modern superheroes.

1.“He’s too poor!”

Yeah, don’t take for granted why Batman and Iron Man are sexy and magnetic towards women. The costume helps. Batman’s Dom attitude and Iron Man’s quirkiness is great…but at the end of the day they are billionaires. So they’re like, even better than Christian Grey, since they go out and save the world every day. If you really want to pick up an A-level superhero, and not fool around with a bunch of cheap Jessica Jones types, then you have to show your date the money.

2. “He has too much drama!”

Speaking of Jessica Jones, there’s a good reason why girls don’t go after superheroes that have way too much personal drama in their lives. Most hotties prefer the “save the world” type of superhero, the guy who clocks in and out whenever there’s giant mutant amoebas destroying the city, and then goes home to be with his woman for the rest of the night. Anti-heroes like Jessica Jones, Dr. Manhattan and The Punisher really tend to bring a lot of their emotional baggage on a date, and it’s not very sexy to a woman who wants to feel like the center of the universe. And speaking of the center of the universe, no girl wants to be interrupted on her hot date with an unexpected appearance by Galactus trying to tear apart the earth. Leave the drama at home, if you really want to get laid.

3. “He’s too nice!”

Sad but true, the nerdy old Clark Kent stereotype doesn’t really attract women anymore. Even with the newest Superman reincarnation, Henry Cavill, Superman is darker, broodier and more stoic. Even the newest Spider-Man actors have ditched Toby Maguire’s boy face and tried to man themselves up a bit. The ice cold Judge Dredd type character is also striking out issue after issue. On the other hand, the superheroes that do get laid, the Wolverines, the Thors and even the foul-mouthed Deadpools, they tend to exude lady-killing confident and sexual charisma. In other words, they’re far more focused on turning a woman on than they are posing for newspaper pictures. Don’t hide your desires, super-guys. I make no apologies for my desires as a superhero with a super-libido!

4. “He kills way too many innocent people!”

Sad but true—there are far too many superheroes out there who don’t mind wasting innocent people along the way of delivering justice. And some of these guys really take it to an extreme, questioning whether they deserve to be called heroes or not. They’re the type of guy that would make Stan Lee grumble and harrumph! Women may be attracted to gangsters and bad ass mutants, but they are not attracted to supervillains! Any time you ask yourself rhetorical questions, like “Should I save that poor woman and her baby or punch a hole through this bad guy’s chest?” you’re already too far gone. We’re talking about you, Lobo, Spawn, The Comedian, John Constantine, Sandman and you Jaime Lannister! Oh wait, wrong universe. But you get the point…at the end of the day, chicks really go for all that “protect the innocent” crap.

5. “Zero in the bedroom!”

Apparently from what superhero groupies tell us, too many aspiring good guys want to use sheer power in bed, and not experiment more with foreplay. Superman is strong but he’s faster than a speeding bullet. Batman has toys but he’s a distracted workaholic. Tony Stark…well, he’s got a heart condition and you know what that means. On the other hand, kudos to some other guys for being very creative and flexible with their superpowers. Ant-Man (in the comic) had the brilliant idea of shrinking down and becoming a human vibrator for his girlfriend. Dr. Manhattan cloned himself and offered to give his uptight brat of a girlfriend an orgy, even though she refused. Plastic Man…well, let’s just say he brings new meaning to the Kama Sutra.

6. “Stop trying to make me the bad guy!”

Blame Batman and The Spirit for this one. True, some superheroes eventually realize that all the women they bed, inevitably turn evil and try to kill them. But you can’t go around thinking that all women you score with are actually super-villains going undercover and trying to extract your juices for non-sexy purposes. Not all women are out to get you, not all women are trying to inject you with a serum that transforms you into a grotesque monster. After a while, it gets insulting and dare we say even sexist to think that every woman is hiding a sinister secret. Believe it or not, some girls really just want to have a fling with a genetically gifted rockstar and have no plans to pressure you into a wedding, stalk you for ten years or try to destroy the planet ala Phoenix and her yellow-eyed jealousy issues.

5 thoughts on “Complaints About Dating Modern Superheroes”

  1. I never was one for traditional comics, I’ve read a few, I couldn’t get into them. About the only time I was a avid reader was in the days of the underground comics around the time of National Lampoon, and there weren’t many superhero’s to be found there, Bode certainly didn’t have them and nobody called the Fabulous Furry Freak Brother’s super-anything.

    Consequently I don’t know anything about the newer ones, the traditional ones I do know. Oh, and Alfred E. Newman, who apparently was on Trump’s reading list also. What, me worry?

  2. As people who read my Facebook page know, I don’t like the dark turn that superheroes are taking. There are no pure good guys to which our children can model their lives. Sure, Superman has been dating Lois for far too long but, as we learned in Superman Returns, she represents Mary of Magdalene and, well, you just can’t be too careful with a woman who was a prostitute.

    Seriously, a good guy superhero like me has a problem getting laid because most of the beautiful women on the web turn out to be male Nigerian scammers and, well, I just don’t swing that way… not to mention the fact that I don’t have $2400.00 to send them to some guy named Emmanuel whose bank account is in the US. Sure, I’m a nice guy, but I’m not THAT stupid. What is a self-depreciating superhero like me supposed to d

  3. Diogenese, I loved The Maxx. I liked Batman like most teens, but my favorites were Watchmen and The Maxx. I preferred the humor and psychological peril.

  4. Batman was dating Catwoman, but things didn’t work out. You have to remember, I’m just a country boy who’s trying to make it in the big city

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