By the Late Mitchell Warren
This has been a phenomenal year for trolls seeking camera time, corporate goons wanting to be elected and stupid people doing stupid things much to the delight of social networking automatons everywhere. Whereas much of the world will be focusing their “Best of the Year” award on people like Donald Trump, Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, J.J. Abrams, The Pope (again) and some girl who starred in some movie about something with exploding robots, we decided to list 10 people who don’t have nearly enough recognition. Here we go…
10. Billionaire BDSM Master with a C*ck of Gold
What started out as a simple rip off of a better story, has now evolved into pure madness in American culture. Now, everywhere you look there is a corporate head—not quite a billionaire—doing the Mister Grey shtick and spanking women all in the name of feminism and sexual revolution something-something. We get that you’re the boss of your own company and that being a politically correct Dom with “consent” and a “written contract” is all the rage right now, and it would be downright weird if you didn’t have a dungeon in 2015. But…seriously, if you’re making $50,000 a year you are NOT a billionaire and you don’t get to spank your secretaries. Not even your interns. Even if you’re a millionaire, it’s still not right to pretend as if you’re an in-fashion misogynist and just randomly break into the homes of women you work with. And we’re only harassing you because you’re a bunch of $200,000 a year wannabes pretending to be Mr. Grey. Only billionaires can get away with melting candles on people. Because why submit to nipple torture unless you get a major diamond rock of apology? This HONOR only goes to true billionaires who can afford to be dicks because they ultimately pay off your mortgage, or save your sick kid, or whatever decent billionaires like to do when they’re not whipping people.
- Werebear Shifter
It really sucks when you’re not only a billionaire Dom but also get to shift into a werebear whenever the going gets too tough. But honestly, if you can shift into a werebear and still have sex with beautiful women, and only have about a hundred bucks in your bank account, we’re still pretty impressed. The Werebear Shifter of 2015, in addition to being rich, powerful and muscular (but somehow not abundantly hairy) is a man who is damaged, misunderstood and of course, the worst thing of all is that he’s dangerous BECAUSE he turns into a werebear and presumably eats people all the while protecting his hot girlfriend. In the end, that’s what we ALL want. To be able to shift into a powerful animal, kick ass, eat people who annoy us and have great makeup sex in the woods. Werebear, who cares if you’re a billionaire? You are awesome just the way you are.
- Racist Mother
We all know that it’s scientifically impossible for children to say racist things if they had a good mother. So we’re looking at you, Mother of Racist Child. How dare your Little Johnny say the N-word. And how dare he use the C-word just because all his stupid classmates are using it. This is all your fault. If your child is raised in a normal household (and given Ritalin) he will not grow up to be racist. If your child grows up to be Hitler, you should be thrown in jail as well. Because as we all know, parents are just as responsible for their children’s crimes.
- Guy That Looks Like a Pedophile
Yeah, it sucks to be that guy. But all we seem to know about him is that 65% of all Facebook users say “You look like a pedophile!” and thus that invalidates most of his arguments. He’s just a creepy guy in general and thus shut probably STFU while beautiful people are talking.
- Male Feminist Douchebag
Seriously, your sole purpose in life is to score with feminist chicks by making people believe you are on their side—which in actuality only women are true feminists. Feminism is by women for women to escape male subjugation. It requires shifts in the thinking of women and ultimately all material should be created by women. Feminist men are usually scummy lowlife pretenders that couldn’t care less about women’s rights but still genuinely do want to score and so will say anything…until you see through his crap. Or maybe feminist men just really do want to be a subservient race and so they’re the type of guy that pays a woman to spank him. Well, spanking is wrong…unless a billionaire does it. Male Feminist Douchebag, you will never be a feminist. Caitlyn Jenner is a better feminist than you are, because at least she did something besides play with her penis all day long.
- The Poor Fired Bernie Sanders Staffer
Poor kid, just following orders, just trying to find a job to pay for his college loan payments and then he gets stuffed in the middle of a foul-smelling sandwich between sexy seniors Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. Somebody’s got to play the fall guy. This kid just got screwed royally. And if you have to be screwed royally by a politician, at least hope it’s Angela Gerekou, Greece’s Deputy Minister for Culture.
- Peaceful ISIS Protestor
The media usually only centers on the violent and insane soldiers of ISIS, all the while ignoring the peaceful ISIS protesters that mainly surf the Internet, criticize America and create a bunch of Twitter accounts that retweet stuff that other ISIS users said. These peaceful protectors simply don’t have the stomach to behead anyone and definitely don’t know all that fancy camera work that the more popular ISIS soldiers do, with the zoom ins and panning and aperture…and wow! That’s just too much to keep up with. On the other hand, sending prank Tweets to Barack Obama is so easy in comparison.
- Woman Who Still Doesn’t Understand What Jared Fogle Did
This poor woman. She lost weight because of Jared Fogle and his contributions to weight loss. But she still doesn’t understand what Jared Fogle did. She keeps defending Jared saying, “Being fat is not a reason to hate a person. I was fat and I lost weight thanks to Jared Fogle.” Yes, yes, we know, but you DO understand that Jared Fogle was trying to have sex with underage girls? And she goes, “No all fat people don’t have sex with underage girls. How dare you! Fat-shaming is a terrible thing to do.” And we’re like, “Noooo we’re saying that Jared Fogle was caught in the act and prosecuted and went to jail for trying to arrange sex with children.” And she says, “Ohhh you mean they caught him for soliciting underage sex?” We said, “Yeah! Now don’t you understand why everyone hates Jared Fogle?” And she’s like, “Well, why didn’t he just get permission to marry the girl like the state law says? I got married at 16 in my church and my parents and my pastor and the county sheriff and the senator all attended and it was no problem.” And then finally we said, “Well…it’s basically because Jared Fogle tried to sleep with some 17 year old and he didn’t get married in church. He doesn’t even really believe in Jesus. FINALLY, the woman said, “Huhhhhh What a f*cking pervert!”
- Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen is a hero. And not just because he contracted AIDS—and true, it kind of sucks to be rewarded for an accomplishment you did three or four years ago. But little did you know that not everyone should be required to disclose HIV positive status. Some people, who are obviously living in the 1980s still, would have you believe being honest about that sort of thing is an ethical responsibility. But no, Charlie Sheen is braving the odds and making STDs cool again. Charlie is reminding us all that no, we’re not under obligation to share our life status for any reason, except that we want to make quirky conversation. The choice belongs to the individual on whether to talk about STDs, marital status, drug addictions, and whether or not the condom actually broke. That’s what we call TMI and there should be a TMI Law passed in America. What Charlie Sheen did, was not only show people that it’s OK to hide your sexual diseases to get some pussy, but he also showed us that condom wearing should be optional. Don’t ever let anyone pressure you into wearing a condom. That’s not the Charlie Sheen Bi-Winning Way. Mark our words, within a few years all the top stars will have an STD and brag about just how exotic their symptoms are. And we have Charlie Sheen to thank for making all you prudes, haters and discriminators gnash your teeth. The way we see, you don’t deserve our crabs, mother f*cker.
- Jesus Christ and Mohammed
Yeah we get that you can’t blame the holiest of guys for what their religious adherents do. But since that idiot guy was recently convicted of libel for doctoring videos that slandered Planned Parenthood, we figured that Jesus Christ (The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost in human form) and Mohammed are also guilty of creatively editing the Bible and Quran to incite hatred and murder. Or at the very least, they’re guilty of inspiring a bunch of deranged lunatics to write their holy books to begin with.
Which just brings us to the main point: All self publishing is evil because it lacks an editorial process. If Jesus and Mohammed had selected an editor with proven experience, a college degree and a dozen references of high-profile executives from New York, they probably wouldn’t have created all this mass murder and chaos. So the lesson is, only support books that are traditionally published and not amoral, unfiltered, self published works like The End of the Magical Kingdom by Mitchell Warren.