Mitchell Warren Interviews Himself
Today, I am interviewing a guest that I admit I have some reservations about, considering his controversial opinions, not to mention his personal biases towards his own work. But I feel this is really the last frontier left in journalism, is gonzo self promotion, or as we call it in the anarchy sector, “Self Deprecation 101.” My guest today is a man who needs no introduction. But since he insists on having one, I guess I have to placate him, because it’s what I would certainly want, if I were in his shoes, which I have been on several occasions.
Mitchell Warren is a freelance writer, author, social media troll and generally a curmudgeon who has something mean and vile to say about everyone and everything.
A: Thank you. Yes.
Q: Please wait until the interview has begun, Mister Warren.
A: Sorry. Go ahead. I like when people say nice things about me.
Q: This isn’t nice, I was actually going to insult you a little bit.
A: Oh I see. Well now I’m a hostile subject.
Q: Mitchell Warren has been traditionally published and has interviewed Oscar winners, but tends to hide all these accomplishments in favor of promoting his self-published work. When the world asks him to say something nice, he tends to say something rude and sarcastic. When someone wants him to be funny, he usually says something depressing and probably racist, sexist and homophobic to boot. You are perhaps the most uncooperative son of a bitch in the entertainment field, which certainly explains why you’re not working for a major corporation, and why you don’t have legions of fans like say, William Hung or Kim Kardashian have.
A: May I say something now?
Q: No, not yet. Whereas many people on social media tend to talk about important issues, such as Democratic or Republican candidates, global warming, or GMO products, you tend to gripe about friends deleting you on Facebook, about celebrities blocking you on Twitter, and about how slow Pinterest operates, even on an iPad.
A: Don’t forget Google Plus. I often post long, existential soliloquies on there, and keep them up for about a week before I realize that no one actually reads Google Plus and then just delete them. Most people just want a summary of what you ranted about on Google Plus for easy Facebook scrolling.
Q: Whereas most people tend to post videos of ISIS, or of puppies being assaulted, you post decades-old videos from The Archies.
A: I was very scandalized by the evil looks on the teenagers’ faces. They looked right at me and grinned, their evil little smiles suggesting more than I was comfortable with. Not all of us had the privilege of finding a kissing booth for a dollar, within our own neighborhood. That was the tragedy of it all.
Q: All right, you’re not making any sense. The real interview can now begin. What was your upbringing like?
A: I don’t remember my upbringing. I think I had an idea of what it was like once, but that may have just been a movie starring Edward James Olmos. I think it was called Spiderman 2.
Q: You’re thinking of Alfred Molina. Okay, serious question. What was your first job?
A: I plead the fifth.
Q: This isn’t a trial. It’s a promotional interview.
A: Then that means I don’t have to answer the question, right?
Q: Yes. If you wish.
A: Then I plead the fifth. (A rather serious glower)
Q: All right. Your first fictional book published was Attempted Rapture.
Q: Who do you think hated it the most?
A: Probably this girl that I was interested in at the time. She was Christian and didn’t care too much about all the talk of, well, you know. How shall we say, all the processes and various acts that precede or succeed romantic or not so romantic involvement. The intricacies of movement, of thoughts and of artistic expression in purely human form.
Q: You mean the sex?
A: Well, I prefer not to think of sex so simplistically but all right, if you wish to vulgarize what I’m saying, that will do.
Q: Do you have issues with sex and with women?
A: I don’t understand the question. The truth is that I was friend-zoned many years ago by many women. But now I have friend-zoned everybody I know in vicious retaliation. I have literally friend-zoned all my friends on Facebook. Well, except my wife. And that is the vicious cycle that continues between the men, the women, and well, the Natlee or the Third Sex. I do consider myself a hero, in that I am a third sex gender; partly a female but one that happens to be stuck in the body of a very macho bear-like man. And one that desires only women. In fact, I consider myself a Fourth Sex, just as there are four dimensions, there are also four sexes, and I am patenting the idea first. I am a Fourth Sex person. The next macro evolution beyond Asexuality.
Q: I think you lost me again. All right, moving on to Cry On Cue. How many people hated this book? You got nothing but hate mail, bad reviews, and people threatening to kill you, or more specifically Floren Felvturn, the anti-hero of the book.
A: Yes. I think it was a huge success. My goal was to write a book that made no sense and that made people very uncomfortable. And it worked magnificently. My own father said, and I quote, “I didn’t understand a word of it and I just gave up.” It really made me cry but in a cathartic, very positive way. I had finally reached the point of total human isolation, a language all unto myself that few people could understand. I was in my own private heaven. I was God. I was on the Fifth Level above God. In fact, I am patenting what I call Fifth Heaven.
Q: …Ooookay. Next question. Raining Cats and Dogs. Perhaps the only book that has ever featured an all dog cast. Instead of humor or action for children, you merely had the dog characters pontificating and giving long soliloquies on life and, well, on subjects like shitting, eating and casual sex. And yet you claim the book was highly religious.
A: Yes. Religion is mostly the stubborn insistence that waste, food, sex and prayer is the answer to all life.
Q: What church did you go to?
A: Well, it’s true, isn’t it? Religion basically brainwashes us to go to the bathroom, to eat healthy, to procreate and find true love and then to pray. Everybody prays. Some people mentally pray whereas others physically pray. Through marijuana, alcohol, endorphin rushes and of course, orgasmic release. That is the physical form of prayer. Man cannot easily separate the emotion from the logic of his own mind, hence we detest either physical prayer, or mental prayer. But it’s all the same damned thing. The process of reaching out to other sentient beings, next to you, or worlds above you. What I have done is create a hypothetical SIXTH DIMENSION. Which I have patented. It is one level above God, religion, atheism and agnosticism. It is the realization all of life is made up of song, of patterns and notes. And we all hear, because we are Gods. Only the gods can hear. And we all hear. We all…
Q: All right then. The next question.
A: I wasn’t finished.
Q: I felt you were. Your new book, The End of the Magical Kingdom series. You’ve written what is essentially a fairy tale book for children which is actually full of rampant violence, adult subject matter and horrific scenes that couldn’t even be shown in animation, quite frankly. Disney would probably assassinate you if this book ever became popular. I was going to say sue you, but assassination is so much cheaper with the Deep Web and all that. Are you aware of Deep Web assassins?
A: Yes. I chatted with a few of them. They were mainly interested in my bit coins. But when I talked about my books they tended to lose interest in me. I do not hesitate to say that Deep Web Assassins are very selfish people. Not at all concerned about supporting starving artists.
Q: What do you say to people who say you write things that intentionally provoke people?
A: That’s what people don’t understand. I don’t write for the people of today. I write for people in the future. Twenty years from now, people may actually understand my work. Or maybe 100 years from now. And to those people I say, nice to meet you. And we get together and we laugh about people from the year 2015 and their strange, antiquated ways. By now of course I am dead and somewhere on the Seventh Level of the afterlife. Which I have also patented and trademarked.
Q: If you mean the seventh level of Hell, I think someone already created that.
Q: And what do you have to say to the people of today that read your work?
A: I’m sorry. Your perceptions of the market, popularity and what is mainstream and relatable are passing quickly. Before you know it, another generation will be here. And nothing you see or hear will make sense anymore. That’s why I advise new writers to write things that are incomprehensible now. Generation Z will totally dig it because their whole thing is random stuff that makes no sense. I am essentially Generation Z, trolling Generation Y and Generation X. I am a rock star of impenetrable writing. I am impenetrable!
Q: Well let’s hope you never get sent to prison because that will change very quickly.
A: Perhaps. Speaking of female prisons, I think this interview is going down south. What do you say we grab a drink together and chase some tail around the house?
Q: Sounds good. I would really like some candy about now. How about you?
A: I think that sounds great!
Q: Anything rather than start work. Because writing about corporate products and hit TV shows for short-attention span consumers SUCKS.
A: I hear that! Speaking of which, let’s get high right now!
Q: I like that idea!
A: Say, isn’t this the point where the editor stops the interview?
Q: Yes. Damn, it’s a shame we have no editor presiding over us to be all professional and tell us, in his highly educated MA-in-English opinion, where the article should end.
A: I know. That’s a shame too. Without him, we really have no idea what we’re doing. We can only speculate and say ‘Gee, I think the interview should end here.’ ***
Q: No HERE. ***
A: Here. ***
Q: Oh wait and don’t forget the obligatory self-promotional link, worked in very smoothly, as a conversational text link rather than a Google-penalized ad. Let’s not piss off Google though, and instead link to Sexy Whores That Have Sex.com. You know, just to be safe about all this self promotion. Because the only thing worse than SPAM, porn and malware sites is blatant self promotional content.
A: God speed, Mitchell Warren.
Q: I know. ***