by The Late Mitchell Warren
Well it’s that time of year, everybody. It’s the end of an era, 2013 is coming to a close. All we have left to do is ponder over the debacle we have just witnessed and congratulate ourselves for own personal jump above mediocrity. We call this the Subversify’s “Human Being of the Year” Award. This is not necessarily the most Subversive Personality, because we cover that elsewhere. Rather, this is the “Human Being of the Year” Award, a title so absurd that only the most vain and shallow human beings alive would derive any joy from such a mock honor. So without further adieu, here are the nominees.
1. The Late Mitchell Warren
Warren finally released his book
Attempted Rapture (censored by Google Search) several years passed the estimated release date. His released two books during this time, The Saint and The Sinner, in hopes of corrupting the youth in Socratic fashion. Subversify recommends he drink poison as a means of accepting just punishment. To his credit, this year, he only forced his perverted sexual desires upon two innocent readers instead of hundreds, as in the 2004 release. His impressive record of not being “As Evil as normal”, is anti-climactically inspiring.
2. Pope Francis
Pope Francis has proven himself to be the most liberal pope since Pope Stephen VII. He not only endorses atheism, and homosexuality, but also masturbation, e-cigarettes, Tums for heartburn, Look Around Cafes, and Hentai pornography for the sexually frustrated. Pope Francis has refused to answer Subversify’s harassing texts, but did send us a spiritual message via telepathic prayer. “People should be more subversive. LOL God is subversive, SMH. God wants more insurrection, resurrection and plain old erection, FTW :O) :X XD.” (We’re not sure why the Pope included so many smiley faces and Internet abbreviations in his telepathic prayer, but we can assume it’s because he’s happy)
3. Miley Cyrus
She taught us that no matter how young you are, or how weirdly your body is shaped, you can still generate controversy by alluding to sex and humping things. Miley Cyrus reminded us just how much fun sex with emo boy-girl nymphos who don’t brush their tongues can be, and best of all, made sure all this sexual artifice was televised so that she could offend bored people who were hoping to get riled up about something. The fact she is only twelve years old only emphasizes her amazing accomplishment this year.
4. Man on Bath Salt
Perhaps Florida and Bath Salts are a match made in heaven. One cannot actually go to Florida without stopping by to visit the Random Men on Bath Salts exhibit, generously peppered throughout the state. Thanks to bath salts, and the unflappable motivation of the human spirit, men in Florida crazy high from lack of legal pot did great and amazing things. They ate their own face off. They tried to buy groceries with alligators. They killed themselves and then somehow had sex with their own corpses. It’s the sort of beautiful imagery best reserved for Faces of Death knock-offs, but it’s hard to deny the social influence that these bath salts had in 2013. Er, we mean the Men. The Men on Bath Salts, not the bath salts themselves. That would be silly…and illegal according to Subversify rules over qualifications for “Human Being of the Year.”
5. Libertarian-Socialist Jesus
Libertarian-Socialist Jesus had a strange year in 2013. First, he criticized Obama for being black and then proceeded to gripe about Ron Paul for much of the summer. By fall he was ranting about keeping himself in Christmas, despite the fact that Christmas season hadn’t even started. He seemed to be adamantly libertarian, even while shunning corporate takeovers, and yet oddly optimistic in his hope of a socialist paradise to come. A lull came when he insisted that he was ginger white and not Jewish or Semitic.
Strangely enough, Libertarian-Socialist Jesus finished the year ranting about his First Amendment rights and talking about how much he loved duck calls. An uneven year for sure, but his bipartisan leadership and anti-dichotomic conciliation was second to none. Well, except for the Pope.
6. Walter White
He ended his amazing series Breaking Bad on a positive note. His journey reminded us that even though you’re feeling under the weather, you can still kill annoying people, deal drugs, get revenge on jerks, and build an automatic machine gun firing squad contained within your trunk.
And just when you thought the show was going to go into dark territory, it turns out that all the horror was just a dream and that Walter White and Hal from Malcolm in the Middle were in fact the same person.
If anything, Breaking Bad taught us that there is no such thing as comeuppance in the real world and that ricin is a nifty way of dealing with bratty children and frigid women.
Special Value or Body
Thanks to her, we are reminded that women don’t have to be super thin, super interesting, passionate about anything, or particularly interested in a conversation just to be congratulated by society and ogled by desperately horny men. We’re tired of hearing about all these alpha women and interesting female characters. We just kind of preferred “bland” in 2013.
8. Breast Feeding Boy
We don’t quite understand why Time Magazine felt obligated to show a boy past his natural breast-feeding cycle still going at it with his mom on the cover, nor how Game of Thrones got away with showing another boob-grabbing kid nursing on his psycho-mom just because it was history. (Er, actually it’s not history but it sure feels like it, with all the heads being chopped off and what not) Anyway, it’s not that we’re offended by breast feeding, or that we’re disturbed by certain people’s insistence on taunting us with these boob-happy children; we’re just angry that these boys haven’t paid their dues yet. Why not use a 17 year old virginal kid to make the same point? He’s been waiting longer and harder for such a privilege.
9. Chuck Norris
Over at my house, we celebrate Chuck Norris Day every December 25th. We watch his movies and share his jokes…like about the time a snake bit Chuck Norris, and after five days of agonizing pain, the snake died; but more importantly, we bond as a family over Chuck Norris. His name and neatly trimmed beard gives us something to look forward to, and allows us to relive precious moments every year. Sometimes we even share “Chuck Norris quotes”, such as his latest cameo appearance in The Expendables 2, which gave us the great line “…” Umm…I think he said, “I’m Chuck Norris” at one point, I don’t actually remember. But what matters is that this holiday is not about him but about MY FAMILY. And our celebration of each other and of Chuck Norris’ name and legacy, but without the actual Chuck Norris involved.
10. A Random Sea Pig
Dammit! What did I just say about human beings only?!
So that’s it for 2013! Merry Chuck Norris Day everybody!