End Times Melee

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domhpendisathandBy: Grainne Rhuad

The End is upon us! The Sky is Falling! The Messiah Cometh! And all those other mottos you read on placards and nowadays billboards.  It’s an exciting week everyone because on Friday, the 21st of this year of our Lord, The Mayan Calendar ends! Or more accurately the Aztec Calendar if you have been looking at this picture:

mayan-calendar

But let’s not split hairs here! The end is upon us! Are you ready?

As most of the scientifically bent community knows (See NASA’s Debunking Page), astronomers have rejected the various proposed doomsday scenarios as pseudoscience, stating that they conflict with simple astronomical observations but when has science ever stopped anyone from predicting the end times?  It’s too enticing this end time fervor.  Nothing can stop it, not science, not superman.  So while the end of the world may or may not come or begin or be an idea on Dec 21, 2012, we want to celebrate the indomitable spirit of prophecy. Nothing can keep a prophet down.  Except heavy rocks, fire and impalement.

It’s not by accident that there are more deists who believe in a final Armageddon-like ending to humanity.  Early human cultures were too concerned with living to worry about the end of the entire world. If anything, they feared the sky falling.  We read this in Chicken Little all the way back to stories of wars amongst the gods.  It is likely this came from the fear of meteor showers.  The main fear seemed to be the pillars of the earth being dropped by those in charge resulting in the literal falling of the sky.

Those who believe in a supreme God need to believe that he will mete out justice at some point, to wrap up this whole experience and reward the faithful.  Many believers seem incapable of thinking that the trip to life might just be a learning experience without any supreme judgment.  In some way it helps people who feel helpless to think that there is a reason for everything.

In any case here are some other prophets who thought they had the date nailed down.  Some of them disappeared into obscurity, some were laughed out of town, some killed and some just never gave up, repeatedly revamping their prophecy until they were forced by their own end to pass it on to their equally devoted followers.

Thessalonians Freak out on Paul the Apostle

Paul Needs an Escort

Paul Needs an Escort

People forget, in the beginning times of the Christian faith, people fully expected Christ’s return during their lifetimes.  After all, he had already come back to spend some quality time with the Apostles.   His warning that he would soon return was taken seriously so it wasn’t so farfetched that these early believers both thought he was coming and were imminently disappointed when he did not.

This happened around C.E. 53. Rumours abounded that Christ had in fact already returned and the general population had missed it.  This was indeed a problem for Paul, who had anticipated a couple of years before that, Christ’s return in letters to the Thessalonians.  They were understandably pissed at him that he may have left them out of the party.

 

The Prophetess Thiota

Later on in 847 The Prophetess Thiota declared that the world would end.  Thiota claimed to be a Christian prophetess.  The clergy later relegated her to “heretic” when they whipped and publically shamed her.  Originally from Alemannia, she began prophesying that the end of the world would occur 847: at the end of the year.

Her story is known from the Annales Fuldenses which record that she disturbed the the Diocese of Constance, before arriving in Mainz. A large number of men and women were persuaded by her Prophecy as well as even some clerics. As is generally the case with end time prophets, many gave her gifts and sought prayers. Finally, the bishops of Gallia Belgica ordered her to attend a synod (which is word used in polite society in place of torture) in St Alban’s church in Mainz. She was eventually forced to confess that she had only made up her predictions at the urging of a priest and for lucrative gain.  She was publicly flogged. Shamed, she ceased to prophesy thereafter.

General Depiction of a Synod

General Depiction of a Synod

Oh yeah, and the world did not end.  Not even a big uprising or anything.

New Millennia

The turn of millennia always brings out the crazies and Y1K was no different.  There are many stories of apocalyptic paranoia around the year 1000. For example, legend has it that a “panic terror” gripped Europe in the years and months before this date. However, scholars disagree on which stories are genuine, whether millennial expectations at this time were any greater than usual, or whether ordinary people were even aware of what year it was

The failure of a prophecy never got Christians down when the world failed to end in Christ’s return in 1000 they got to work doing what they do best.  Refiguring.  Of course they messed up.  Of course Christ was likely to come on the 1000 anniversary of his ascension to heaven not his lame birth on this plane.  So the date was pushed back to 1033 by the “Mystics” which nowadays we call “Crazy Cult Leaders”  The writings of the Burgundian monk Radulfus Glaber described a rash of millennial paranoia during the period from 1000-1033.

Holy Toledo!

John of Toledo was not going to leave the end of the world to chance.  He used science.  After calculating that a planetary alignment would occur in Libra on September 23, 1186; he circulated a letter known as the “Letter of Toledo” (Not very creative but you know…scientists.) warning that the world was going to end in destruction on this date and that only a few people would survive.

Maybe the source of the phrase “Holy Toledo”?  I don’t know but we are sticking with that for now.

Blame it on Islam

It's the hat- It makes me say things.

It’s the hat- It makes me say things.

Hating Muslims is nothing new, we all know this from our medieval movie viewing, particularly Robin Hood and the Kingdom of Heaven; we all love hot dirty guys with swords and stuff. But in 1284 Pope Innocent III thought the world would surely end because it was the 666th year of the rise of Islam after the visions of the Prophet Muhammad.

Some theologians believe Pope Innocent III really meant to predict the end of Islam citing the following writings:

Innocent III wrote it in his bull, “De negotio Terrae Sanctae.”

“And certainly Christian peoples owned almost all the Saracen provinces continuously until after the times of the holy Regortius. But since then was born a certain son of destruction, the pseudo-prophet Muhammad, who seduced many away from Truth by secular enticements and lustful pleasure. His perfidy has grown continuously until our times. Nevertheless, we trust God, who has already given us some good sign that the end of this beast is approaching, and its number, according to the Apocalypse of John is limited to six hundred and sixty-six, of which almost six hundred years have been completed.”
“Pope Innocent III (AD 1213) designated Mohammed as Antichrist; and as the number of the beast, 666, was held to indicate the period of his dominion, it was supposed that the Mohammedan power was soon to fall.”  (Cyclopedia of Biblical, theological, and ecclesiastical literature by James Strong, John McClintock, page 258 “Antichrist”)

However the coming and end of the “Antichrist” according to revelations ushers in the end of our time here so, really it’s all the same thing.

Johannes Stoeffler

Evil Genius Club-Putting science to work to bring on the end!

Evil Genius Club-Putting science to work to bring on the end!

Johannes Stoeffler was a German mathematician, astronomer, astrologer, priest, maker of astronomical instruments and professor at the University of Tübingen. He also probably had some other hobbies like trying to turn stuff into gold and taxidermy.  In 1499 he predicted that a deluge would cover the world on 20 February 1524. Mainly because Pisces is a water sign.

It’s likely the prediction itself was influence by the failed prediction of British Astrologers earlier in the year who though London would be swept away by a deluge on Feb. 1st. Many people stockpiled supplies in the country and left the city.  Not a drop of rain fell.

Now, Stoeffler was not a slacker.  He was serious about figuring how to best assess the end of the world and to that end he made a lot of stuff.

From Wikipedia- Stoeffler’s works-

  • 1493: A celestial globe for the Bishop of Konstanz. This globe, as the sole remaining and most important object of his workshop, is exhibited at the Landesmuseum Württemberg in the Old Castle in Stuttgart.
  • 1496: An astronomical clock for the Minster of Konstanz.
  • 1498: A celestial globe for the Bishop of Worms.
  • 1499: An Almanac (Almanach nova plurimis annis venturis inserentia) published in collaboration with the astronomer Jakob Pflaum of Ulm, which was designated as a continuation of the ephemeris of Regiomontanus. It had a large circulation, underwent 13 editions until 1551 and exerted a strong effect on Renaissance astronomy.
  • 1512: A book on the construction and use of the astrolabe (Elucidatio fabricae ususque astrolabii), published in 16 editions up until 1620, and, in 2007, for the first time in English.
  • 1514: Astronomical tables (Tabulae astronomicae).
  • 1518: A proposal for a calendar revision (Calendarium romanum magnum) which formed a foundation for the Gregorian calendar.

He updated his original prediction to May 27, 1528, clearly this too did not happen.

Since most of these works were inspired by his failed predictions; (obviously something had to be done to make the celestial heavens better predictors of events and easier to track.)  In this case, his misdirection is our win.

Jan Matthys

Jan Matthys- Medieval Prepper

Jan Matthys- Medieval Prepper

In 1534 Jan Matthys took over the city of Munster. The City was to be the only one spared destruction. The inhabitants of Munster chased out by Matthys and his men, regrouped and lay siege to the city. Within a year everyone in the city was dead.

But of course there’s more to this story:

From Wikipedia-

Matthys was a baker in Haarlem who was converted to Anabaptism.  Thereafter, Matthys baptized thousands of converts, and, rose to prominent leadership among the Anabaptists. Matthys rejected the pacifism and non-violence theology of his teacher, adopting a view that oppression must be met with resistance.

In 1534, Anabaptists took control of the German town of Münster. John of Leiden, a Dutch Anabaptist disciple of Matthys, and a group of local merchants, summoned Jan Matthys to come. Matthys identified Münster as the “New Jerusalem”, and on January 5, 1534, a number of his disciples entered the city and introduced adult baptism. Well over 1000 adults were soon re-baptized.

They declared war on Münster’s expelled bishop, who in turn besieged their fortified town. In April 1534 on Easter Sunday, Matthys, who had prophesied God’s judgment to come on the wicked on that day, made a sally forth with thirty followers, under the idea that he was a second Gideon, and was cut off with his entire band. He was killed, his head severed and placed on a pole for all in the city to see.

See, sometimes prophecies do kinda work out…Everyone died on Easter anyway.

Sabbatai Zevi- Kabbalah Krazy!

Early Years- Before Crazy

Early Years- Before Crazy

Sabbatai Zevi was a Jewish mystic and self proclaimed messiah referred to by the abbreviated title of Amirah (which means princess…I don’t know, don’t ask) by his followers.

Using the Kabbalah, Sabbatai Zevi, a rabbi from Smyrna, Turkey, figured that the Messiah would come in 1648, accompanied by miracles. The Messiah, of course, would be Zevi himself!

By 1648 Sabbatai was showing signs of what we now would call bi-polar disorder. It was during this time he showed strange behavior and violations of religious law, and proclaimed himself the Messiah.

Convinced by Nathan of Gaza, another “prophet” that he was indeed the Messiah and thus freed of self doubt as Nathan taught the messiah was somehow intertwined with the tree of life and could not commit sin no matter how our skewed mortal minds saw his actions- Sabbatai Zevi then formally revealed himself, named 1666 as the millennium, and soon gained fervent support in Palestine and the Diaspora.  It is important to realize that the ENTIRE Jewish world of 1665-66 believed that Sabbatai was no mere “prophet” or “teacher” but the Promised Messiah and a living incarnation of God.  It was the only messianic movement to engulf the whole of Jewry; from England to Persia, from Germany to Morocco, from Poland to the Yemen.

Sabbatai attempted to land in Constantinople in 1666, but was captured and imprisoned by the Turkish authorities in 1666.  He converted to Islam, supposedly to escape execution, although Nathan and his other followers put a different interpretation on this.  According to his followers, Sabbatai’s apostasy actually represented the descent into the klippotic realm in order to reclaim the lost sparks of light.  Many of his followers converted likewise.  Sabbatai may have had close relations with the Sufis. He died in exile in Ulcinj (in what is now Montenegro, part of the federation of Serbia and Montenegro).  The Sabbatean movement was revived in the 18th century by Jacob Frank.

Full on "change my rules and religion" Crazy-See how much younger I look!

Full on “change my rules and religion” Crazy-See how much younger I look!

Thousands of Sabbatian Believers all over the world, but particularly in Asia Minor, still secretly worship him as such under the guise of either Islam or Christianity.

However, clearly he did not bring to pass the end times. Although some people like the owner of this blog:  http://snippits-and-slappits.blogspot.com/2010/04/jewish-sabbateans-rule-world-for-satan_24.html  Believe that his followers are the adversarial set-ups for the supposed coming Armageddon.  In fact the sabbaticals have been blamed for the Armenian holocaust of 1908.

Hopi Prophecy

The Hopi also have prophesied that “Turtle Island could turn over two or three times and the oceans could join hands and meet the sky.” This seems to be a prophecy of a “pole shift” or a flipping of the planet on its axis. The Hopi call this imminent condition; and that of society today “Koyaanisqatsi”, which means “world out of balance…a state of life that calls for another way.”

The following extraordinary Hopi prophecy was first published in a mimeographed manuscript that circulated among several Methodist and Presbyterian churches in 1959. Some of the prophecies were published in 1963 by Frank Waters in The Book of the Hopi. The account begins by describing how, while driving along a desert highway one hot day in the summer of 1958, a minister named David Young stopped to offer a ride to an Indian elder, who accepted with a nod. After riding in silence for several minutes, the Indian said:

“I am White Feather, a Hopi of the ancient Bear Clan. In my long life I have traveled through this land, seeking out my brothers, and learning from them many things full of wisdom. I have followed the sacred paths of my people, who inhabit the forests and many lakes in the east, the land of ice and long nights in the north, and the places of holy altars of stone built many years ago by my brothers’ fathers in the south. From all these I have heard the stories of the past, and the prophecies of the future. Today, many of the prophecies have turned to stories, and few are left — the past grows longer, and the future grows shorter.

“And now White Feather is dying. His sons have all joined his ancestors, and soon he too shall be with them. But there is no one left, no one to recite and pass on the ancient wisdom. My people have tired of the old ways — the great ceremonies that tell of our origins, of our emergence into the Fourth World, are almost all abandoned, forgotten, yet even this has been foretold. The time grows short.

“My people await Pahana, the lost White Brother, [from the stars] as do all our brothers in the land. He will not be like the white men we know now, who are cruel and greedy. we were told of their coming long ago. But still we await Pahana.

“He will bring with him the symbols, and the missing piece of that sacred tablet now kept by the elders, given to him when he left, that shall identify him as our True White Brother.

“The Fourth World shall end soon, and the Fifth World will begin. This the elders everywhere know. The Signs over many years have been fulfilled, and so few are left.

“This is the First Sign: We are told of the coming of the white-skinned men, like Pahana, but not living like Pahana men who took the land that was not theirs. And men who struck their enemies with thunder.

“This is the Second Sign: Our lands will see the coming of spinning wheels filled with voices. In his youth, my father saw this prophecy come true with his eyes — the white men bringing their families in wagons across the prairies.”

“This is the Third Sign: A strange beast like a buffalo but with great long horns will overrun the land in large numbers. These White Feather saw with his eyes — the coming of the white men’s cattle.”

“This is the Fourth Sign: The land will be crossed by snakes of iron.”

“This is the Fifth Sign: The land shall be criss-crossed by a giant spider’s web.”

“This is the Sixth sign: The land shall be criss-crossed with rivers of stone that make pictures in the sun.”

“This is the Seventh Sign: You will hear of the sea turning black, and many living things dying because of it.”

“This is the Eight Sign: You will see many youth, who wear their hair long like my people, come and join the tribal nations, to learn their ways and wisdom.

“And this is the Ninth and Last Sign: You will hear of a dwelling-place in the heavens, above the earth, that shall fall with a great crash. It will appear as a blue star. Very soon after this, the ceremonies of my people will cease.

“These are the Signs that great destruction is coming. The world shall rock to and fro. The white man will battle against other people in other lands — with those who possessed the first light of wisdom. There will be many columns of smoke and fire such as White Feather has seen the white man make in the deserts not far from here. Only those which come will cause disease and a great dying. Many of my people, understanding the prophecies, shall be safe. Those who stay and live in the places of my people also shall be safe. Then there will be much to rebuild. And soon — very soon afterward — Pahana will return. He shall bring with him the dawn of the Fifth World. He shall plant the seeds of his wisdom in their hearts. Even now the seeds are being planted. These shall smooth the way to the Emergence into the Fifth World.

“But White Feather shall not see it. I am old and dying. You — perhaps will see it. In time, in time…”

Hopi Prophecy Rock

Hopi Prophecy Rock

Prophecy Rock Translation-

Near Oraibi, Arizona, there is a petroglyph known as Prophecy Rock which symbolizes many Hopi prophecies. Its supposed interpretation is:

The large human figure on the left is the Great Spirit. The bow in his left hand represents his instructions to the Hopi to lay down their weapons. The vertical line to the right of the Great Spirit is a time scale in thousands of years. The point at which the Great Spirit touches the line is the time of his return.

The “life path” established by the Great Spirit divides into the lower, narrow path of continuous Life in harmony with nature and the wide upper road of white man’s scientific achievements. The bar between the paths, above the cross, is the coming of white men; the Cross is that of Christianity. The circle below the cross represents the continuous Path of Life.

The four small human figures on the upper road represent, on one level, the past three worlds and the present; on another level, the figures indicate that some of the Hopi will travel the white man’s path, having been seduced by its glamour.

The two circles on the lower Path of Life are the “great shaking of the earth” (World Wars One and Two). The swastika in the sun and the Celtic cross represent the two helpers of Pahana, the True White Brother.

The short line that returns to the straight Path of Life is the last chance for people to turn back to nature before the upper road disintegrates and dissipates. The small circle above the Path of Life, after the last chance, is the Great Purification, after which corn will grow in abundance again when the Great Spirit returns. And the Path of Life continues forever…

The Hopi shield in the lower right corner symbolizes the Earth and the Four-Corners area where the Hopi have been reserved. The arms of the cross also represent the four directions in which they migrated according to the instructions of the Great Spirit.

The dots represent the four colors of Hopi corn, and the four racial colors of humanity.

Terrence McKenna and The I Ching “Time Wave Zero” Prophecy

You need this antique machine to explain Time Wave Zero.

You need this antique machine to explain Time Wave Zero.

The I Ching was written in China in 2800 B.C. The book contains a divination system comparable to Western geomancy. Terrence McKenna, an American author, public speaker, metaphysician and philosopher studied the I Ching intensely and began to see a pattern emerging from his in-depth studies. From the patterns of lines that were produced through the tossing of two-sided coins, McKenna produced a time line graph and called it the “Time Wave Zero” theory. Mckenna’s time line derived from the I Ching ended in the year 2012 – December 21, 2012 to be exact, the winter solstice. McKenna and others believe that the I Ching accurately foretells the Earth’s destruction, a destruction that is in correlation with the Mayan calendar’s doomsday prediction.

McKenna, another busy guy, was also ethno botanist, philosopher, psychonaut, researcher, teacher, lecturer and writer on many subjects, such as human consciousness, language, psychedelic substances, the evolution of civilizations, the origin and end of the universe, alchemy, and extraterrestrial beings.  I’m not trying to be overly dismissive, but do we normally really believe everything a psychonaut and researcher of extraterrestrial beings says?  Usually we at the very least take a “show me” attitude towards these sorts of things.  But in case you are interested in his Time Wave here is a video explaining it. You may also notice he has videos on alchemy and gives “psychedelic advice”. Oh yeah and he was also the subject of a psychedelic experiment which he claimed put him in contact with “Logos”: an informative, divine voice he believed was universal to visionary religious experience. (Logos in this case being either “the word” or “God” as interpreted by Christians or the mediator a la Sufism)

Perhaps also important to note was the fact that he died of brain tumors which were diagnosed after a particularly long night including 3 migraine induced seizures which he described as “most powerful psychedelic experiences he had ever known”

Hindus-

Various Hindu scholars and astrologers are predicting that Kali Yuga will end in 2012 with Satya Yuga, the Golden Age, beginning on December 21, 2012. The change will be marked with chaotic changes in the environment and social systems, but overall leads to greater knowledge.

The Akashic Record

The Akashic record is an imagined spiritual realm, supposedly holding a record of all events, actions, thoughts and feelings that have ever occurred or will ever occur.  Theosophists believe that the Akasha is an “astral light” containing occult records which spiritual beings can perceive by their special “astral senses” and “astral bodies”. Clairvoyance, spiritual insight, prophecy and many other un-testable metaphysical and religious notions are made possible by tapping into the Akasha.  One of these people is next on the list.

Zecharia Sitchin anThe Earth Chronicles

Largely responsible for the Niburu or planet X theories, Sitchin claimed to re-interpret ancient Sumerian texts to prove that we were created as DNA experiments by residents of Niburu. It’s more complicated than that of course, but we don’t have time here, I have to go End of the World shopping.

Believers of Sitchin would probably also do well to take to heart the stories of the Necronomicon imagined by H.P. Lovecraft because the text is about as verifiable.

Reliable Research

Reliable Research

Raël Going off the rails in a sports car-

Trust me, I'm a race car driver.

Trust me, I’m a race car driver.

Raël, is a Frenchman and former motor sport journalist and race-car driver.  He claims that on December 13, 1973, he was in a volcano near Clermont-Ferrand, France, when he saw a UFO ”7 meters in diameter made of a very shiny silver metal and moving in a total silence.” He says a radiant being emerged and entrusted him with a message revealing the true origin of mankind. They told him that henceforth he would be known as Raël, which means “messenger.” (The name his parents call him by is Claude)

His followers consider him to be “the prophet of the third millennium.” Like all good religious leaders, Raël expects his followers to support him. A 10% tithe is the norm.

He explains his mission in his book, The True Face of God [sic]. According to Taras Grescoe of Salon.com,  Raël claims that he was taken to the planet of the Elohim in a flying saucer in 1975, where he was introduced to noted earthlings such as Jesus, Buddha, Joseph Smith and Confucius. The Elohim, small human-shaped beings with pale green skin and almond eyes, were apparently the original inspiration for the Judeo-Christian god. They informed Claude that he was the final prophet sent to relay a message of peace and sensual meditation to humankind under his new name of Raël before the Elohim would return to Jerusalem in 2025.

Raël also teaches the Elohim the human race was created from the DNA of aliens some 25,000 years ago. (In fact, all life on earth was created in alien laboratories.) Among other things, Raël has also learned that cloning is the way to immortality and there is no god or soul. According to Raël, our alien creators want us to be beautiful and sexy and enjoy a sensuous life, free from the restrictions of traditional Judeo-Christian morality. (Um…Yay!?)

Because the Raëlians are big on safe sex, they believe we should do as the aliens did.  Clone people and they have formed a cloning company called Clonaid which promises to provide assistance to would be parents willing to have a child cloned from one of them. This service offers a fantastic opportunity to parents with fertility problems or homosexual couples to have a child cloned from one of them.

The Raëlian headquarters are in Montreal but the cult is international and claims to have some 50,000 members in 85 countries. Raëlians don’t want you to believe on faith, so they have an “Evidence Page” on their web site where they offer proof of their prophet’s claims, Go check it out sometime if you are interested in proof that includes UFO sightings.

Oh and also, they teach evolution could not have occurred. They claim scientists have discovered that genes have a DNA repair mechanism which prevents mutation, an important process in evolution. Species couldn’t have diversified if this mechanism were present. This was at first thought to be an oncogene but is now thought to be anti-oncogenic. Yes, it’s changeable but so is science, people! (source-http://www.skepdic.com/raelian.html)

Bottom Line

Dreaming about the end of everything is fun!  We all have done it.  Okay, I have done it.  But it really doesn’t do us any good in daily living.  Also, predictions are famously awful and very often propelled by greed.  It’s a good parlor conversation starter.  But if you aren’t doing what you want with your life, it doesn’t matter anyway does it?

So get out there and “DO” people!  See you Saturday.

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