Subversify’s Five-Minute Guide to Political Correctness in 2012
by The Late Mitchell Warren
Got a big meeting coming up? Afraid that your wife househusband is going to say something crazy politically incorrect because of her his PMSing Irritable Male Syndrome?
Then by all means, enjoy Subversify’s Five-Minute guide to political correctness in 2012. The following checklist is not merely a suggestion, but 100% liberally approved FACTS that every decent human being must acknowledge. Once you learn the facts, you will not be inclined to say stupid or deceitful things. Instead, you will become part of the machine, a beautiful, smoothly-operating, optimal performance machine.
To do otherwise would be to willfully join the endangered bigot population, otherwise known as the non-liberal “red state” Mercans. And in that case, you deserve to die and to have your death mocked by fat 420-friendly children. Please, check each item off as you go along. If you do not memorize this checklist, it is likely you will offend somebody at some point and thus deserve whatever arrest, family genocide and grave urination that you get.
Proceed…and remember, facts have been known to have a liberal bias.
- If you are straight white and Middle Class, you have way too much going for you. You have an obligation to give away your money, tolerate dogs biting you, and give blowjobs to strangers who howl at you on the street. Otherwise, you may be painting yourself a racist.
- Black people are generally better than white people at everything.
- You should fucking learn Spanish, Ebonics and Zuckerverb already! This ain’t London, bitch.
- It’s okay to laugh at Asians. They’re weird.
- Retarded people are funny. Fuck you if you’re so serious that you can’t laugh at other people.
- It’s okay to mock fat women and old ladies. No one likes them.
- But fat guys are awesome and hilarious!
- Never laugh at Socialists. Socialism, AKA Hope, is not funny. It’s very serious.
- Homosexuals never make mistakes. They are latter day Saints.
- Mormons, on the other hand, deserve deportation straight to the ocean.
- All drugs are awesome. Street cocaine, bath salts, Prozac and Mary Jane, it’s all good and it sure as hell beats going to church.
- The bible is a work of fiction. King David, Solomon, Jesus, Assyria, Babylon and Rome never actually existed.
- God is not real. President Obama has done more for humanity in one term than God has done in all 7,000 years of existence.
- You know we were being sarcastic about the 7,000 years thing, right?
- Science is your only religion. If you want to worship anybody, worship Charles Darwin, Carl Sagan, and Bill Nye, the Science Guy.
- If you believe in a Christian God then you should be arrested since you are supporting a child murderer, polygamist, gay-hater and anti-Semite.
- But all Jews are terrorist faggots.
- Polygamy is not okay. Polyamory is okay. Just to be safe, don’t get married.
- Paying for your neighbor’s baby, your neighbor’s abortion and your neighbor’s STD treatments is not only a privilege but also your Obama-given obligation.
- You have the legal and ethical duty to steal from the rich because they stole from the poor to get rich in the first place.
- Unless of course, you’re downloading MP3s or violating copyright law by watching movie clips on YouTube. And in that case, fuck you.
- Whatever money you make is not yours—it’s all going to be blown on iPads, fast food and cars anyway.
- Unemployed househusbands are badass, awesome people. The fact that they smoke, jam or play video games all day long is swag.
- People who hurt adorable puppies, kitties deserve a violent mauling.
- Vegetarians who gripe about animal rights deserve a violent mauling.
- Christians who talk about faith in public deserve a violent mauling.
- Women who don’t show their breasts on Facebook or in public are closeted, uptight, racist Christian/Muslim bitches. You should fap to them anyway.
- Conservatism is more or less the same thing as Nazism. So just to be safe, attend swinger parties, start doing some sort of drug, and blow more money on all sorts of iPad shit.
- Hitler was kind of funny in an emo sort of way. Lay off him, geez!
- George W. Bush was evil, a warmonger and heartless dictator.
- People who say Obama is evil, a warmonger and a heartless dictator are racist. And gay-hating. And stupid. And…and…yeah. Insert your own word here.
- Do not talk trash about the government. Criticizing the way things are makes you a terrorist. Because even if *YOU* don’t commit terrorist acts, your speech and ideas could inspire someone else to take terrorist action.
- Get rid of all your guns. If you would just fuck other people once in a while no one would even try to rape you!
- If you must bully someone, bully people that can’t fight back. Or at least bully a small part of the population that doesn’t contribute economically.
- Like old people. They’re gross and hardly buy anything besides canned corn.
- But don’t bully or insult people that could bomb you out of existence.
- The Death Penalty is inhumane. Unless you’re talking about suspected terrorists, and in that case, shoot ‘em.
- Since feminism means looser women, more abortions and more househusbands, we fucking love feminism!
- If you have never had an abortion, then what the hell do you know about raising babies?
- It’s better to have an abortion than to risk the baby becoming a conservative when it grows up. We wish we could retroactively abort Paul Ryan but alas…
- Besides, adopted babies all end up in orphanages anyway. And not the Annie type of orphanage but the Freaky Government Testing type of orphanage.
- Please don’t think poorly of the government just because they test on orphans. No one wants these little three-eyed bastards anyway.
- Disagreement is always tolerated, but feel free to beat your opposition into a bloody pulp or at least call him/her stupid and uneducated. This is guaranteed to win a debate. Every. Single. Time.