Sat. Jul 13th, 2024

Back again is Subversify’s pre-teen correspondent to fill us in on what is hot and trending with the almost jr. high subversives.  This week it’s Zombies.

By: Lauryn Grace

Beginning in May, on a sunny day in Miami, Florida, America began living its very own Zombie fantasy.   As you know, there are thousands of homeless people in the world. Well 65 year old Ronald Poppo, who was one of these unfortunates, was walking in an alley of down town Miami, when 31 year old Rudy Eugene decided he looked delicious. Eugene was found naked under a bridge, chewing on Poppo’s face. The Miami police yelled at Eugene to stop, but he wouldn’t and for Poppo’s safety, the police shot at Eugene. They shot at him in the chest several times but he was still alive, after shooting him even more, Eugene dropped to the ground dead. Poppo is now in a hospital in Miami. He is doing fine and is to have physical therapy.

Poppo is not the only zombie victim in the U.S. there was a woman who ate part of her baby’s brain, three of its toes, and part of its intestines. There was another college student who killed and ate his roommate. That definitely makes me not want to live in dorms. There was another attack where the man threw his own intestines at the police officers. Finally, a Canadian porn star lost it and ate someone, oh and also threatened the Prime Minister.

Yes, there are finally Zombies in North America and who knows if they are in any other part of the world. There is nothing we can do about it. Let’s face it; we all know that this country is all pretty screwed up. There are some crazy people in the country.

People are starting to say that the Zombie apocalypse is almost here. When I was younger, my mother joked around about the zombie apocalypse. I got really scared. Little did know that I was going to write an article about Zombies. People are freaking out about this when you are actually pretty safe. There is a 0.25 in a 10 percent chance that you would be a Zombie victim. But just in case, you should be ready for the Zombies next attack.

Look, everyone knows that the Zombies are coming and there is nothing we can do about it. Just be prepared. This is the updated list of the do’s and don’ts, and how to tell if Zombies are in your town.

Let’s start.

How do you know there are zombies in your town?

Well, if you start hearing crazy people chanting to themselves, then yeah they are on the verge on Zombie-hood (or they are in a popular teen cult…either way, probably bad news). We all know that the crazy people are going to become zombies first because they were neglected and left to live on the streets. You can also tell there are Zombies in the town when you hear screaming and police cars all night long. And the final way to see if there are Zombies in your town is if you see a lot of new (but empty) graves. That means one of three things:

A- The Zombies have been crawling out of their graves.

B- There have been a lot of deaths, which means that they died from Zombies eating them.

C- That pesky teen cult thing again.

How do you prepare for a Zombie apocalypse?

Two words: Get Weapons.

When picking your weapons, you want to get something that you can shoot or throw or stab them with from a long distance because you don’t want to get the Zombie juice on you. The main weapon that you want is a gun. When you get a gun, your first choice is a hand gun. Hand guns can hold more bullets and you can empty and re-lode fast. They are easy for travel and you can put them almost anywhere.  You want to make sure that you have more than one gun because the gun can get lost or broken. If you can’t get the gun, then you want a machete. Go ahead and cut off their heads. Make sure that you don’t get the Zombie juice in your blood through a cut or something…it will turn you into a Zombie. You can use pretty much anything, just kill the brain. Cut off the head then smash it. If you want you can burn it. Just don’t let any other Zombie eat the body because then the Zombie will get stronger.

After you get your weapons, you want to get a safe spot. I would say a basement because Zombies can’t lift heavy things or their limbs will fall off. Or you’re going to want to hide in an attic. You want to be as far away from a graveyard as possible. Try getting a cabin in the middle of the woods. Make sure that you have food storage because you don’t know how long you will be there.

How you know you got infected and what to do.

If you got any Zombie juice on you, and you didn’t disinfect it by burning the area you are probably on your way to being a Zombie. If it gets into your blood then kill yourself if you don’t what to become a Zombie. If you decide to kill yourself then you should knock yourself out and have someone throw you in a fire so you know that you won’t become a Zombie.  If the Zombie juice gets in your system without you knowing the symptoms of Zombieitis, you’re going to want to go through this check list:


  • Are you choking on nothing?
  • Do you have green splotches on your skin, dizziness, and craving for raw meat? Especially Brains?
  • Is your skin falling off like a leper?

If you said yes to any of these, you may want to kill yourself.

But you never know when they are going to crawl out of their grave…OH WAIT THEY HAVE!

Y’all had  better stop reading and start killing the Zombies


For more fiction from the mind of Lauryn Grace visit her blog @

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4 thoughts on “The Time Is Now: Zombie Apocalypse Has Begun!”
  1. A couple notes for this author:

    1. Your choice in weapons clearly indicates that you are a civilian with little or no combat training. Handguns have limited range – especially when you are aiming for a small target (like a human head). Your first choice of weapon should be an assault rifle (my preference being the AK47 – as it almost never jams and the 7.62mm x 39 rounds can take a zombie’s head clean off) and the handgun should serve as a secondary for intermediate range encounters. If you go clase quarters, I suggest either a tactical shotgun (like a Mossberg 500 series with 20 in. barrel or a Saiga-12) or long yet sturdy blade (like the machete or a Ka-Bar combat knife [the tanto blade being my preffered choice for its superior penetration capabilities]).

    2. Zombies don’t strengthen themselves by eating flesh because they don’t have any functional digestive tract – their hunger is purely instinctual and their “food” provides no nutritional benefit to them (the hunger is probably just a mechanism for the virus they carry to spread to new hosts). If anything, zombies only weaken over time as their own flesh and bones rot away…

  2. Nice, good advice Az.

    Also I would just wait them out as they will probably rot away within a month out in the elements.

    But, a good picture of what our juniors are looking at.

  3. Now that i’m sufficiently informed on zombies and how to defend myself, i can go back out in public feeling relieved. I just hope zombieism doesn’t affect wildlife because i would hate to see a zombie bear coming after me.

  4. Good advice on the weapons there, myself would definitely have to be the G36C. Heckler and Kosch are afantastic brand of gun makers, and they are generally all round best for light weight, and ammo capacity. Also, as a machete or Ka-Bar, may be an effectice killing weapon, it has no practical use. Therefore, as a primary melee weAon, the croqbar would be my choice. Can be used to cave the skull in, ramming the sharp end through the eye socket, and also be used for opening doors and other locked storage. The article definitely needs an update, while zombies may not have been recorded, we can assume that they would either bite so as to spread the virus, or be humans who have a craving for human flesh ( which is scientifically proven to become highly addictive if even consumed in in small quantity)

    I will finish on this people, if the end of the world is really 2012, then this is our first clue as to how it will be. Keep an emergency bag with food (non perishable), water, a rifle, a gun, crowbar, blade, and all the essentials for camping (tent , pots, sleeping bag, swiss army knife, gas etc ) next to your main point of escape from your house. Fortification first, and if need be, travel second (travel lightly). Good luck!

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