Glen Beck Responds

By Edward-Yamil Rosario

When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.
— Glenn Beck, Sept. 9, 2005 (Source)

Since the people here at Subversify have seen fit to take a few swings at me over the years, I accepted their invitation to respond.*

The most egregious offender has been Eddie and his attempt to characterize me as a cocksucking pedophile. I should sue, but instead I’ll clear this up: I’m what’s known as a selective serial fellator, meaning I only suck the cocks of media alpha dogs. It is with pride that I admit to sucking Murdoch’s cock and gargling his sperm. There’s a huge difference between being a mere cocksucker and a selective serial fellator and calling me the former is just sloppy reporting and bad form.

In the past, Eddie has also implied that listening to me is somehow an act of evil. This is ridiculous nonsense. While it is true that I am a compulsive liar (on and off the air), prey on the fears of the old and scared in order to scam them and rip them off, and generally have disdain for poor people as well as darker-hued humans, does it follow that these are evil traits?!!

::blank stare::

And yes, I do spend tons of money at S&M clubs and spend money on child prostitutes from Thailand, but that’s a matter of personal choice and free market ideals.  If there’s a demand for child prostitution, then, by God! Who am I to go against the Invisible Hand of the market? Yes, Eddie, I admit to prowling for faggots with my friends, Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh, and piling them into Bill’s jeep, and waterboard them in back-alley dungeons, so what?!! Calling me evil for having a little fun is an exaggeration, don’t you think? Nice try, Eddie, but nobody is buying your nonsense.

Eddie, let’s face it: you’re not a real man. In fact, is hard to find real men now-a-days. I wonder what the hell is going on. Where’s John Galt? Now, there was a real man! Men who single-handedly invent new thingees with no historical precedence whatsoever. You pitiful moron and your climate change propaganda. You should not only apologize to men like us, true champions of the Individual, you should find the nearest, grimiest smokestack and bow down before it, kissing its foundation. Your ranting about the “ecology” not only makes a mockery of modern society and the intellect, it advocates man’s return to the state of a grunting sub-animal digging the soil with his bare hands.

“Global warming” is nothing but Communist propaganda that has compromised what little ability you had for reasoning. The so-called “theory” is in fact no theory at all, it is a ridiculous assumption designed to appeal to weak-minded wimpy men who confuse science with superstition in order to hinder the growth of Capitalism, which you despise, as you are nothing but an evil parasite.

And while I’m here, allow me to address your advocacy of government coercion: so what if I use publicly financed roads, benefit from a publicly financed legal infrastructure, and make millions from airing a show on airwaves owned by the public, don’t fucking steal my money and call it taxes!

Ummm… where was I… ? Oh!

Seriously, imagine if some straight-laced, businessman, conditioned by years of my programming, happens to read your pathetically puerile attempts at humor, Eddie. Think of the consequences! For one thing, he may stop accepting overly simplistic, nonsensical explanations of how this world works. He may even conclude I’m a pudgy, dishonest, bullying insecure little twat willing to say anything in the service of my wealthy masters, and actually try to ice my craven ass. Furthermore, imagine if this information was spread around widely. Do you really want the chaos that would result from so many of the sheeple thinking without my help?
Finally, I’ll leave you with the following… the treatment I’ve received from this online magazine is a perfect example why we must resist the free dissemination of ideas and reject information sources that don’t have the good sense to be owned by multinational corporations.

Yours truly,
Sean
* not really

Note: I never knew Sean actually read. I’ve always liked how John Galt and his genius buddies in Atlas Shrugged basically become a class for themselves, go on strike, and set up a socialist paradise in the mountains in order to bring the country to its knees and implement their desired social order. Marx would have been proud. I presume this gets pointed out all the time, though it doesn’t look like Sean would take it very well. — Eddie