How to be a Successful Serial Killer


An Online Tutorial From the Butcher.


So you’ve decided on a career as a serial killer? Congratulations, and all that kind of thing. The world needs more people like you.

Now, before you embark on your new career, there are some things you probably ought to consider. After all, to be successful in any career, one needs a good solid preparation, doesn’t one?

So, here, brought to you by the most successful serial killer of them all, is a free tutorial on how to strike, and survive to strike again.

Let us begin.

The first thing, my dear neophyte killer, is to decide precisely what your long term goals are. Do you want success? Notoriety? The two are usually not the same.

You could, for instance, achieve fame in the media, and mention in the annals of serial killers for decades to come. You might have frenzied proposals of marriage from disturbed women, and your face on the cover of Time magazine. Hollywood might even make a movie on you, directed by, oh, Quentin Tarantino or someone. But from the inside of a padded cell as a best case scenario, and from a cell on Death Row as the worst, that fame might not seem to be worth it a few years down the line.

Alternatively, you could opt for obscurity, and work in the shadows for years to decades, and achieve a good high body count, without them laying a finger on you. You could leave a mystery for posterity to clear up…but it would be without any personal fame and recognition.

Really, it’s up to you.

Now, if you opt for the first course, this tutorial is frankly not for you. A serial killer who’s truly dedicated to his craft will eschew the showmanship that goes into getting notorious, and which will inevitably, sooner rather than later, lead to an arrest. A truly dedicated serial killer will try to achieve maximum returns for the effort, and will have the aesthetic sensibility to leave behind an abiding mystery.

If you would like to be that kind of serial killer, welcome aboard!

First, you will need to understand that you need to throw out all notions of a modus operandi. It’s all very cute of serial killers in the movies and books to exterminate their victims in stereotyped and predictable ways. It makes for great drama when Leatherface fires up his chainsaw and comes for you. But that’s all it is…great drama. (Talking about that chainsaw, more on it in a moment.)

If you want to be a successful serial killer, my friend, take it from me, you must eschew drama, completely. That means, among other things, to be sure to leave no pattern. Even the dumbest police force will begin to suspect there’s a serial killer on the loose after your tenth victim turns up strangled by her own bra, and for starters will warn women to stop wearing bras. This may make some people very happy, but it is going to cramp your style. Remember that.

Lesson Number One: Make every attempt to avoid a pattern. You may want to kill naked young women in the shower. I understand completely. But if you kill only naked young women in the shower, pretty soon every woman who actually braves a shower will have armed policemen waiting for you behind the bathroom door. Putting all your eggs in one basket was never a good idea.

Therefore, as in a stock portfolio, you need to diversify. Kill the young naked women in the shower, sure; but kill old dressed women in the park as well. Kill the yuppie man in the new Mercedes if you think you can get away with it. Mix it up with strangling an occasional spoiled little brat. Variety is the spice of life.

And this also applies to every other part of the killing. Do not, whatever you do, kill at regular intervals. You may have the urge every full moon, but for heaven’s sake, suppress that urge. Get a rubber blow-up doll and slash it to ribbons in the bathroom instead, if you have to. But make sure your killings don’t follow a time pattern, unless you want to be known as the Lunatic Killer or something of the sort.

Or a place pattern, while we are on the topic. If you ever read The Silence Of The Lambs, you might recall a rather interesting observation by Dr Hannibal (“The Cannibal”) Lecter. Lecter told Clarice Starling that we covet what we see every day, and that the killer begins by coveting. He meant that Starling should look for the killer around the first known victim. Therefore, begin killing as far from home as possible, and sprinkle your killings around the countryside. On no account avoid killing in your own locality, though; even a dolt of a cop can stick pins in a map and realise that there’s a mysterious zone of immunity in the centre of a circle of mayhem.

Lesson Number Two: spread them around.

Now, you need to kill ‘em in different ways, as I said. But make sure your weapons are functional. Yes, that chainsaw we mentioned is ultra-cool. I acknowledge that it would probably scare the hell out of anyone if you came stalking them with one buzzing furiously. But it’s probably the most impractical weapon in history, if you think of it…unless, of course, your victim is tied up and unable to get away, and you’re in a nice, soundproofed environment, far enough from any listening ears, and with ample time to wash off all the spraying blood until not a trace remains. And don’t forget you need to keep the batteries charged. Nothing so embarrassing as having your chainsaw die on you just as you’re about to make the first cut, is there?

I think it would probably be better to avoid chainsaws altogether. Or nunchakus. Or katanas.

Another thing while I’m on the subject: don’t try copycat murders, hoping that the blame will go to the original killers. That’s fine in theory, but there are always things you don’t know, which will end up screwing things up. Ignore other happy hackers and do your own hackin’, your own way.

OK, so we’ve done with the killing. So you’ve got a nice warm corpse on your hands. You have to dispose of it. A pain, we agree, but every profession has its drawbacks. So what can you do? Dump it in the sewer? The municipal garbage dump? Weigh it down and drop it off the bridge into the river? What?

Again, never assume your victims will remain undiscovered. You may have strangled an eighty-year-old grandpa, gutted a slutty young would-be model, and brained a middle-aged alcoholic man in three different cities. Fine, but if all three of them turn up neatly buried in compost pits, someone’s going to connect the dots. So, leave some alone to be found, and dispose the rest in different ways. To repeat: don’t repeat anything.

You with me so far?

Now I can’t emphasise this enough: keep a low profile. Don’t ever, whatever you do, give in to the temptation to boast, or even to hint. Don’t do it! You never hear me boast of the mound of skulls in my closet, do you? Huh?

Your legacy, as a successful serial killer, can take two forms. You can leave a full confession, to be opened only after your death. The problem with this kind of thing is that some bastard or other might open it early, either out of simple curiosity or because you’re in some kind of trouble and the law wants your papers, or whatever. In either case your goose is cooked.

Plus, revealing to the world just who you were, even after you’ve left it, is so damned unaesthetic, isn’t it?

No, by the gods of murder and mayhem, far better that you die taking your secret to the grave with you. Let them debate you a century in the future, like Jack the Ripper. Let them write books speculating, and shiver in the thought that you might be somewhere out there.

Now that’s a legacy, my friends, a legacy worth the leaving!

I think I saw a naked young woman step into the shower. Did you?

On with the hunt.

102 Comments on “How to be a Successful Serial Killer”

  1. Detectives and profilers don’t care about murderers. George Zimmerman killed a black kid and is now asking the state of florida for $200,000.

    None of the people who have commented on this article are intelligent and cunning enough to be serial killers. Rest assured.

    There are no serial killers, except those trained and supported by the establishment.

  2. Hey Peter Peter Dick Eater! I’m not the one to start something over the internet, but you my friend is a asshole. I know i haven’t killed anyone. But who are you to come to this website and judge the people who write on here. You don’t know what fuck anyone is capable of asshole. Your talking shit on the wrong people. On your first fucking message. So go get killed some where you fucking dick head.

  3. This article doesn’t even go into the introduction of becoming a serial killer. Usefull things to know as a serial killer would include a deep understanding of pshycology, reading lips, body languag etc. In addition, there there is a whole scince behind that, it involves a deep understanding of how the human body works. Also as you know there are the police, detectives or even worse special or secret agents. You know how well trained they are which lets us infer their ways of catcingbus are numerous. What are we going to do? If you don’t get the point, you have to anlyze all.the forces that are likely to ho after you. You have to plan it uniqelly and make sure it will be secretive.

  4. To be realy succful serial killer, you get some dum idiot to do it for you. Print some bumper stickers, “MY DOG MOHAMED LOVES PORK SAUSAGES” Any person you want hit, you put the sticker on the back of their car. Then wait for some nutter to kill him/her in the name of their gods on your behalf.

  5. Perhaps some people who post on this article should learn how to spell if they want their opinions taken seriously

  6. thanks for your help, i’m not too worried about cops because they are all either too corrupt or self center to catch serial killers. the stuff you see on CSI isn’t real; Cops really don’t give a fuck about catching criminals, they just want to appear like they do, like arresting little kids for no reason. honestly you shouldn’t worry about them unless that’s your thing.

  7. Do these people really have the modivation to kill people. To see someone die right before there very eyes? To see what they have done to that one person/people? I say start out small. Like a squirrel or something. Then move on to bigger things. Like dogs or cats. Then more innocent things like infinites. Then people. I just don’t think people have the modivation to kill or the confidence. I mean who ever reads this they have to like the killing. To see blood death and pain of another.

  8. All things stated in this article are true, but… They have obviously never indulged in the craft them selves. To quote from a dear friend of mine ” It is an E ticket to a ride with only one seat, Mine, and no one else will ever get to feel this Me-Only-roller-coaster thrill.” What this means is that sure not getting caught is big, but your craft requires you to be yourself not some zombie who is afraid of the cops. Be yourself and leave whatever crap evidence and hints you want to get. You are the only who can decide what does and does not work for you.

  9. This article seems more of a guide then an introduction. I mean they do cover some important things but it seems they skip over some of the more important aspect of being a serial killer. One key thing to remember is take your time in your preparations before you get started. Proper planning can bring about great results.

  10. This is great advice I’m a wanna be serial killer but I’m not very strong I’m skinny and a weakling I wouldn’t kill women even though women reject me
    I would love to kill tradesmen plumbers builders electricians etc…
    I just hate them so much they all drive like lunatics they are thugs and scum but they always get the hot women
    If I ever became a dictator I would set up a hit squad to hunt down and kill
    All tradesmen that’s how much I hate them
    I would love to find out where there would be a big gathering of tradesmen like a meeting or union party and walk in and blow the s h I t out of them
    Or I could target them one by one
    I know I would have to be smart about it and not be caught on any camera’s
    How do I guys like my idea?

  11. I have read that if you throw a body in a river or sea and weight it down it will eventually float
    You must puncture the kidneys of the person so their body doesn’t float up

  12. By the way I don’t understand if you take photos of a naked underage girl that is assault what a joke
    I mean what if I meet an underage girl who likes me I take some nude photos of her I haven’t hit her or threatened her she wants me to kiss her and take nude photos of her how is that assault?
    I mean if I kidnapped her and tied her up of course that’s assault
    The law is a joke really

  13. That’s cool you guys aren’t tradesman in the traditional sense are u?
    I don’t count computer nerds as tradesman

  14. If I did start butchering tradesman what name do u think the media would give me?
    Any cool nick names?
    The butcher of builders?
    The lyncher of labourers?

  15. Another point I need to make is being a serial killer in a Western country you will get caught pretty quickly because police are pretty good
    But if you go to a third world country police are easily corrupted so you won’t be caught as quickly
    Like Mexico or Guyana or any of the Stan countries it would be pretty easy to
    Get away with killing dozens of people

  16. In a first world country there are cameras everywhere so that’s not good
    But in most 3rd world countries they don’t even know what video surveillance is
    So no witnesses

    One more point or idea about hiding bodies I have a brilliant idea
    You buy a small oil tanker a mini tanker fill it say a quarter of petrol
    When u kill someone u just dump their corpse inside the mini tanker
    Even if cops pull u over how many would open up the tanker none
    Eventually if it gets too full or the smell gets horrible just drive it to the middle
    Of the desert dump the contents which will be mostly liquefied in a few months anyway because it will be mixed with petrol etc…

  17. We need a serial killer to start killing drug dealers, prostitutes, and drug users in the Urban areas of our Cities. Sounds like a great idea to me. Study up on forensics first to cover your tracts. Torture them first beyond the human imagination. By using any and every weapon or tool you can think of.

  18. To be honest I would rather become a dictator in my county and have
    Absolute power to do what I want as a serial killer how many would I be Able to kill before getting caught?
    2 5 8 people?
    As a ruthless dictator I could kill tens of thousands of fucking human
    Scum but I’m not Smart enough to know how to become a dictator
    I’m bad at public speaking and I’m a shy person I’m not a tough guy at all

  19. If I ever become a dictator I would make nth Korea look like a fun park
    Compared to what I would do
    I wouldn’t single out any race or religion to feel my rath but I would
    Persecute everyone
    I hate everyone I don’t care if your left wing or right wing or black or
    White or Asian I would fuck everyone up
    People just piss me off I hate looking at them I hate talking to them
    I hate interacting with them
    I’ve always wanted to be a dictator since I was like 10yrs old I used to tell
    Other kids to call me master no joke
    I’m a softly spoken person who has no power in my life I’m at the bottom
    If society I make less than minimum wage
    Every day I wish I was a dictator

  20. Laugh if you want this is what I would do if I became dictator
    Of my country
    I would order the best scientists to invent a robot soldier
    Like a real terminator
    Even if it it cost billions
    Than I would order the scientists to make all of the terminators
    Loyal only to me , than I would fuck everyone up
    The only ones spared my vengeance would be the scientists
    And their families in case the terminators needed fixing to keep
    Killing I would need scientists help to fix them and to build
    More and more
    I would ally my country to nth Korea
    I would like to visit some of nth Korea’s concentration camps
    And watch their prisoners being tortured and killed
    As dictator I would Go to every high school and mall
    And pick out any pussy I want as my sex slave
    I would collect as many pretty girls as I could fit into my dungeon
    In my mansion

  21. If I became dictator of my country I would make what Isis is doing seem
    Like a children’s party game I swear to god
    I don’t even wanna tell you rats what I would do because you dogs
    Would call the FBI or CIA on me
    I would make my country a living hell for the people
    And I would love in my palace with my rocket scientists and generals
    And my terminator cyborg army guarding my palace
    I would leave dead bodies of my victims along the street as a sign
    To the populace that I am all powerfull
    I would personally supervise all mass executions and I would even
    Participate in some public executions
    I would leave the populace living in absolute fear and terror 24/7
    I would with my scientists invent new torture machines like from
    Those movies hostel and the other movies where people are in a dungeon
    In a torture machine and need to crack a code or die
    I’ve got so many other things I’d love to do to the population
    If I ever became dictator

  22. I would make Mugabe Pol pot the castros Assad Kim jong unn and
    Ali Bashir look like angels compared to the mass horror and barbaric terror
    I would inflict on the populace if I ever became supreme ruler for life of my

  23. I don’t know why I hate the human race so much I was never molested
    Or abused as a child I was bullied at school but never bashed up badly
    I never had any friends or a girlfriend to this day I’m still a loner
    And I do have manic depression but I am somehow able to hold
    Down a full-time job
    I just always hated people but I don’t have any criminal record all I have
    Is a couple of speeding tickets
    I wish I was normal but I just have do much hatred for people
    Be it young or old or any colour skinny or fat
    But I especially hate tradesmen builders plumbers etc….
    And I hate young couples who look in love because I never had that
    So I hate them so much because I know I don’t have the skill and
    Personality to get a hot girlfriend
    I just hate people’s double standards and how when You talk to
    Some one you have to walk on eggshells because the smallest thing
    You say to them could set them off

  24. I want president Trump to nuke Korea and North Korea to nuke the south and the Japs and maybe a few US bases more fucking people dead the better
    The world is already overpopulated and I hope Iran will be next target for the us army to take care of
    Fuck the Arabs less of them the better anyway

  25. My anger and hatred for man kind knows no limits every single day interacting with other humans gives me nothing but stress stress and more anxiety and stress I can’t take it anymore
    I am this close to starting my hobby as a serial killer
    I’m so sick of people and their mistakes every interaction I have with someone is always disappointing as people never keep their word they get upset so easily you have to walk on eggshells with everyone because you could accidentally hurt their feelings
    God I just hate the way the world is now and the way people are
    I just want to put everyone out of their misery
    The next person that annoys me I swear I’m gonna snap
    I’ve bottled up my anger and hatred towards humans for so long I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep my feelings bottled up for

  26. I hope nth Korea build an ICBM and nukes la and San Fran and Seattle and Tokyo and soul North Korea is being surrounded by its enemies from all sides
    And the us and the West arrogantly tell North Korea to ease tentions?
    Give me a break
    Imagine if Russian and Chinese navy surrounded Hawaii and the us was told by everyone to ease tentions
    It would be laughable if it weren’t do serious

  27. @JAKE
    I’ve read all of your posts and replies and have thought in depth about my feelings towards you and how I think of you…
    Answer, You are a dreamer, you’re a wanna be this, wanna be that. But in life end up being nothing, at best I can see you having the gumption to just barely kill or injure a small animal/pet. Nothing you say will ever come into fruition, and everything you feel will never be subjected to a real person, you may cry at home and weep at night and feel you’re different from society and maybe think you’re deserving to be a ‘Serial Killer’ but rest assured it is people (idiots) like you that fill the world with the kind of garbage that would soon be eradicated (not a religious nod, I hate religion)

  28. Finally I got a response from someone on this boring blog
    You may be right I probably don’t have the balls or strength to be a serial killer at least I’ll never end up in jail getting raped and bashed
    My fantasies about killing and being a dictator and torturing people and having absolute power keep me sane
    What’s wrong with that?
    I hate the reality of life how boring it is how meaningless it is and my evil fantasies give me hope in a way , they make me feel more important than I am, remember we are all just walking talking pieces of meat, that’s all we are in reality.
    Living your life as a nobody sucks but most of us find a way to get through the hell that life is as best they can
    Just to let you know everything I wrote in previous posts I meant 100%
    About wanting to be a dictator and persecuting everyone because I hate mankind, that’s all true, that’s not just a silly fantasy
    If I ever got into power I would fuck everything up so much to make myself feel better

  29. Gary Gary Gary
    Sounds like your getting sexual pleasure from reading about serial Killers
    Which is very unhealthy and a sign you could be a sexual sadist
    A guy just up my ally

  30. I agree with CuckDominator, jake probably likes to watch his wife have sex with other men, which is what a cuck is

  31. We should abolish all Cucks like Jake, people like him need to be exterminated immediately, like in the movies, with like a guillotine or some shit.

  32. yeah CuckDestroyer cucks should be exterminated, especially ones like Jake, thats how i got my name after all, by exterminating cucks

  33. We should start a clan solely off of killing cucks like Jake, this way these cancerous pedophilic neophyte cucks (like Jake) are removed from the face of the Earth

  34. nah guys cucks are pretty cool people, i love to watch my spouse have sex with other men, it fills me with joy. I for one side with Jake in Cucking, as its the cool thing to do

  35. Hey there will be no raping of cucks today, as i proudly stand up for cuck rights everywhere. I used to be a pretty decent human being, but after becoming a cuck I now see the light and want the best for all cucks around the world

  36. Hail the Cuck Overlord Jake, he will be the savior to the rumored WW3, and the annihilators of every single non-cuck on this planet

  37. Hey all you commenters out there stop making fun of my little jakey poo. He is a very good boy and gets good grades in all his classes. He also is very popular and has multiple girlfriends so leave him alone before i call the police n’ shit

  38. I pity the life of you all, If not for this wheelchair and the risk of me dying any moment now, I would slay all you heebee jeebie non-cucks, leave my grandson alone or WW3 will be the least of your troubles

  39. I knew there would eventually be an idiot on here or what we call trolls right?
    Ahhh god bless him/her

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