How to be a Successful Serial Killer

…AND GET AWAY WITH IT

An Online Tutorial From the Butcher.

 

So you’ve decided on a career as a serial killer? Congratulations, and all that kind of thing. The world needs more people like you.

Now, before you embark on your new career, there are some things you probably ought to consider. After all, to be successful in any career, one needs a good solid preparation, doesn’t one?

So, here, brought to you by the most successful serial killer of them all, is a free tutorial on how to strike, and survive to strike again.

Let us begin.

The first thing, my dear neophyte killer, is to decide precisely what your long term goals are. Do you want success? Notoriety? The two are usually not the same.

You could, for instance, achieve fame in the media, and mention in the annals of serial killers for decades to come. You might have frenzied proposals of marriage from disturbed women, and your face on the cover of Time magazine. Hollywood might even make a movie on you, directed by, oh, Quentin Tarantino or someone. But from the inside of a padded cell as a best case scenario, and from a cell on Death Row as the worst, that fame might not seem to be worth it a few years down the line.

Alternatively, you could opt for obscurity, and work in the shadows for years to decades, and achieve a good high body count, without them laying a finger on you. You could leave a mystery for posterity to clear up…but it would be without any personal fame and recognition.

Really, it’s up to you.

Now, if you opt for the first course, this tutorial is frankly not for you. A serial killer who’s truly dedicated to his craft will eschew the showmanship that goes into getting notorious, and which will inevitably, sooner rather than later, lead to an arrest. A truly dedicated serial killer will try to achieve maximum returns for the effort, and will have the aesthetic sensibility to leave behind an abiding mystery.

If you would like to be that kind of serial killer, welcome aboard!

First, you will need to understand that you need to throw out all notions of a modus operandi. It’s all very cute of serial killers in the movies and books to exterminate their victims in stereotyped and predictable ways. It makes for great drama when Leatherface fires up his chainsaw and comes for you. But that’s all it is…great drama. (Talking about that chainsaw, more on it in a moment.)

If you want to be a successful serial killer, my friend, take it from me, you must eschew drama, completely. That means, among other things, to be sure to leave no pattern. Even the dumbest police force will begin to suspect there’s a serial killer on the loose after your tenth victim turns up strangled by her own bra, and for starters will warn women to stop wearing bras. This may make some people very happy, but it is going to cramp your style. Remember that.

Lesson Number One: Make every attempt to avoid a pattern. You may want to kill naked young women in the shower. I understand completely. But if you kill only naked young women in the shower, pretty soon every woman who actually braves a shower will have armed policemen waiting for you behind the bathroom door. Putting all your eggs in one basket was never a good idea.

Therefore, as in a stock portfolio, you need to diversify. Kill the young naked women in the shower, sure; but kill old dressed women in the park as well. Kill the yuppie man in the new Mercedes if you think you can get away with it. Mix it up with strangling an occasional spoiled little brat. Variety is the spice of life.

And this also applies to every other part of the killing. Do not, whatever you do, kill at regular intervals. You may have the urge every full moon, but for heaven’s sake, suppress that urge. Get a rubber blow-up doll and slash it to ribbons in the bathroom instead, if you have to. But make sure your killings don’t follow a time pattern, unless you want to be known as the Lunatic Killer or something of the sort.

Or a place pattern, while we are on the topic. If you ever read The Silence Of The Lambs, you might recall a rather interesting observation by Dr Hannibal (“The Cannibal”) Lecter. Lecter told Clarice Starling that we covet what we see every day, and that the killer begins by coveting. He meant that Starling should look for the killer around the first known victim. Therefore, begin killing as far from home as possible, and sprinkle your killings around the countryside. On no account avoid killing in your own locality, though; even a dolt of a cop can stick pins in a map and realise that there’s a mysterious zone of immunity in the centre of a circle of mayhem.

Lesson Number Two: spread them around.

Now, you need to kill ‘em in different ways, as I said. But make sure your weapons are functional. Yes, that chainsaw we mentioned is ultra-cool. I acknowledge that it would probably scare the hell out of anyone if you came stalking them with one buzzing furiously. But it’s probably the most impractical weapon in history, if you think of it…unless, of course, your victim is tied up and unable to get away, and you’re in a nice, soundproofed environment, far enough from any listening ears, and with ample time to wash off all the spraying blood until not a trace remains. And don’t forget you need to keep the batteries charged. Nothing so embarrassing as having your chainsaw die on you just as you’re about to make the first cut, is there?

I think it would probably be better to avoid chainsaws altogether. Or nunchakus. Or katanas.

Another thing while I’m on the subject: don’t try copycat murders, hoping that the blame will go to the original killers. That’s fine in theory, but there are always things you don’t know, which will end up screwing things up. Ignore other happy hackers and do your own hackin’, your own way.

OK, so we’ve done with the killing. So you’ve got a nice warm corpse on your hands. You have to dispose of it. A pain, we agree, but every profession has its drawbacks. So what can you do? Dump it in the sewer? The municipal garbage dump? Weigh it down and drop it off the bridge into the river? What?

Again, never assume your victims will remain undiscovered. You may have strangled an eighty-year-old grandpa, gutted a slutty young would-be model, and brained a middle-aged alcoholic man in three different cities. Fine, but if all three of them turn up neatly buried in compost pits, someone’s going to connect the dots. So, leave some alone to be found, and dispose the rest in different ways. To repeat: don’t repeat anything.

You with me so far?

Now I can’t emphasise this enough: keep a low profile. Don’t ever, whatever you do, give in to the temptation to boast, or even to hint. Don’t do it! You never hear me boast of the mound of skulls in my closet, do you? Huh?

Your legacy, as a successful serial killer, can take two forms. You can leave a full confession, to be opened only after your death. The problem with this kind of thing is that some bastard or other might open it early, either out of simple curiosity or because you’re in some kind of trouble and the law wants your papers, or whatever. In either case your goose is cooked.

Plus, revealing to the world just who you were, even after you’ve left it, is so damned unaesthetic, isn’t it?

No, by the gods of murder and mayhem, far better that you die taking your secret to the grave with you. Let them debate you a century in the future, like Jack the Ripper. Let them write books speculating, and shiver in the thought that you might be somewhere out there.

Now that’s a legacy, my friends, a legacy worth the leaving!

I think I saw a naked young woman step into the shower. Did you?

On with the hunt.

102 Comments on “How to be a Successful Serial Killer”

  1. Thank you for this informative article that will surely help me succeed in my career choice, but just one question – does this mean I have quit wearing the soiled panties as an ascot?

  2. I thought the way to become a successful serial killer was to join the C.I.A., but then i guess you wouldn’t truly be a free-lance agent. You’d be working for The Man.

  3. Why go through all this trouble to become a serial killer when you can just run for office? Seriously, why waste time killing people yourself when you can order the deaths of thousands at a time with a stroke of a pen and let the various forces of state power do the dirty work for you?

  4. It, uh, lacks the taste of blood. Also, bombing people on the opposite side of the world from a drone ain’t half as much fun as strangling a bimbo with her whateveritis.

  5. I suppose it does lack the “personal involvement” – but the generic serial killer doesn’t have as much opportunity to profit from the deaths of his victims like a politician can…

  6. Bill? Is that you? The one from Multiply? This is a brilliant but obviously deranged piece of work. Looks like you, man!

  7. All true apart from one thing you forgot to mention. If you do use a wepon e.g. a baseball bat or even a metal pole to poetically crush their skulls in with, there will always be a chance that wepon could trace back to you isnt there? residue of the victim’s blood will most likely remain on it and if some nosey detective comes around to examining it closely then your game is also up. Part from that i’d say your knowledge of it is very good, my case did not end well and… misunderstood

  8. I use to only torture people with their eyes closed and ears clogged. I was afraid to kill them because someone might find out and I’ll get in deep shit. And now I’m not.
    Thank you Bill.

  9. Ah, so petty, just follow the art of the occult, you can kill millions, like the hutu’s and the tutsi’s, I saw gorilla’s in the mist and it pissed me off. A gorilla’s hand was used as an ashtray, so the tribe responsible got chopped up too, I like some justice in my killing, I know, it is my upbringing.
    Now the chemicalattack in Tokyo was a mistake, I played the computer game ‘Elite’ and delivered nervegas to Tokyo and just a small time
    later the gasattack occured, I also delivered it to New York in the game, but they held an exercise, the bastards. So they got away, not with project mayhem, they could fool me once not twice, so they did the exercise but I also let the real deal go through, you know the effect, Irak and Afghanistan payed a dear price, although Afghanistan deserved it for destroying those beautifull statues. And Saddam for attacking the Kurds, and being a hypocrite, blaming Israël,although rightly so, for threating the palestinians wrong, while he himself does the same to the Kurdish people. I could go on explaining the tsunami’s and other shit, but no one will believe me, even when I boast about it. Isn`t that great, murdering and boasting about it while they think you are nuts?
    Believe me, it is. And even how many times I confess they say it is impossible, hehehehe, wonderfull.
    Oh how I did it? Easy, I got initiated by anchhor which is the nephew of Ankh-ef-en-Khonsu, you know, the stele of Ankh-ef-en-Khonsu, 666 the one that Aleister Crowley found in the egypt museum. It is in Leiden the nephew, Anchhor (the living horus). So I got initiated and now I do my thing and no one knows or actually believes. Well you do now, keep it quiet please. )O+->

  10. i know u dawit u east african skinny cunt, can u kill a chicken when u do that try to kill a cock and that is that and that is a lot of killing for u

  11. I wanna know why arent u taking this serious I mean the thought of not doing what u want to do is not very good.

  12. Black leather gloves,9mm with a stolen silencer, unsuspecting white gentlemen who looks like a fiend driving a used early 90’s car through the hood just under the ghetto. I have shot 2 black males who came up to my window offering me “work”; apparantly drug dealers and pumped bullets into them so fast i cant remember the count. 11 at night and I was gone like the wind. I don’t actually know if i killed them or not and i dont think they did a news story about it either. Not dissapointing, but i would like to know if my prey parished.

  13. The best thing to do is to burn all of the evidence.. If your in a hours burn I down easy solution.. Also if you want a little more fun you could wear some rubber gloves and strangle them with whatever your taste is afterwards getting some rope and making it look as if it was suicide :3 enjoy you freaks!! cx

  14. @Killer – Everyone’s gotta start somewhere, personally i began with studying about psychopathology and the way a sociopath’s mind works. You just can’t decided to be on without studying up on the past, and your sub conscience will attempt to betray you at times if you’re just starting out.

    but if it’s your first time. Start off by deleting any website accounts you may have. (Facebook, Twishit, etc..) Hell, go for e-mails too. Delete anything that can or will be traced back to you.

    From there, you can study up (as i said, but it’s not required.) Though you do need to learn how to control emotions and manipulate others (if you don’t know how) remember that killers can’t be “noticed” when doing a deed, so avoid getting caught. – Act cool.
    (Drive away or walk away as soon as possible.)

  15. i have always wanted to be a serial killer all my life i just never got into the right mind of frame to actually stab or shoot someone i really need help so could you help me please

  16. The most successful killing is killing your own self. Your dead so you won’t suffer in a jail cell. At least you won’t be around to bloat about it or confess or anything like that. Why is there only horror movies about killers killing others? Why not have movies about a group of people gathering together to commit suicide in terrible ways to themselves? I would like to see a movie like that.

  17. Ahh…. You are all so young and naive… Have any of you REALLY made a human kill? I doubt it… I also doubt that any of you ever will… Never to feel the joy of cold steel cutting through warm flesh… I’ll tell how true murders are done. Carry a small, sharp knife with you on vacation. Go in a public bathroom when there is only one other person inside. Ask him for help, it his opinion, or anything to get the target within your reach. Then, in one swift motion, bring the blade up and through his esophagus. He won’t have the chance to scream. As you make the kill, push him away from you minimize the blood splatter on yourself. Then quickly wash off any blood that may be immediately visible to others, put the knife back on your person, and leave. As soon as possible after leaving the location, put on a jacket, or take one off if you were wearing one, and do the same with a hat and shoes.

    Never ditch your weapon. That way, there is never any evidence for the pigs to find.

    Hunt well, little monsters…
    Zsasz

  18. Zsasz: I’m assuming you found this article by typing “how to be a successful killer” or something to that effect into google.

    Why would a professional world class hit-man, like yourself, do such a thing?

    Go fuck yourself, you little psycho.

    -f

  19. i would rather be an assassin than a serial killer and corrupt parts of the government. I would call myself the Exterminator…..

  20. to become sucsessful killer you must practice and change your tactics each murder you make and always keep your weapon

  21. I also know don’t use the same weapons over and over again. Plan your kills. Make it look random but don’t. Don’t LEAVE any clues(witness or witnesses.) Because that’ll really really fuck you. Give cops an idea of who you are. And that’s not good. You can become famous without that bullshit. Don’t fuck up and leave ant DNA. So be extra careful. You could also use a group of people too. If you really need or want to. But make shore its people you truly trust not to say shit. Just be careful and don’t fuck up. And remember…. Don’t Say a Fucking Thing[to no one]

  22. I’m with you Mitch – I don’t see how anyone with half a brain could mistake this article for a genuine instructional manual on how to be a serial killer. Perhaps these fellows are just trolls making some kind of sick joke?

  23. What do you do if you stumbled into this career as you call it by accident but found your self not only unable but unwilling to stop? If it started by accident but continued purposely driven, would the success still be the same goal or would out be the thrill? Opinions please!

  24. CptnHook13 you are right. And just think if it was some what or was legal. Most normal people want to actually kill someone. Most people are afraid of going to prison. Just think… If murder was just a misdemeanor or a 100 dollar fine. Wouldn’t you do it for shore? And yea if it was an accident and you couldn’t stop. That would be an addiction. Most serial killers are addicted to killing. It’s a mental disease.

  25. You truly do know the mind of serial killers, And i agree with it all. i have been to prison for 3 cases of first degree murder but the evidence was not all there and my sentence was reducted. 13 years in a cell and even though i am out i am still doing it i learnt from my first mistake. I killed my ex and that was what got me caught.

  26. I used the same tactics as the serial killer Ted Bundy he was my idle growing up and he is my enthusiasm. I have killed only a handful of people but only 2 since i got out and no use trying to find them you will need to get through 12 inches of cement

  27. just a hint of advice make sure you live a normal life aswell get a job raise a family but in you’re off time do you’re buisness

  28. Its very unsafe to post a comment on this considering the government is watching our every move. Regardless, I’ve been contemplating the option of being a serial killer for a while now, about a year. My question is, should I do it? I have a hard time controlling myself, but I know if I really want to I can. So, should I do it? Any answer or suggestion would be nice.

  29. Depends on what you want out of it do you want to leave a legacy behind or do you just want to kill for the thrill?

  30. if you want to make a good name for you’rself kill roughly about 8 people but dont leave there bodys in the open take them to a place where you know nobody will find them and then when you think the time is right make a date where you will share it with the outside world and put the bodys in 1 place cut them up a bit you know a few limbs here and there and stage a little mystery for police. It should make a good name for your’self. and who knows maybe it will be a good one

  31. just remember shooting is not a serial killers MO they mostly strangle use knifes put them into barrels with hydrocloric acid and so on but do not use guns. And for petes sake dont fuck the body you dont want to be a serial rapist you want to be a serial killer alright.

  32. my date is August 12 that is when i will start my little show and tell so if there is any cops here that are in Australia get ready >:)

  33. and everyone else keep you’re eyes peeled on the news. ill try think of ways to make it look good for you all.

  34. What if someone is like Dexter and kills other serial killers or real bad people. If I was going to kill that is what I’d do. Not kill other serial killers but bad people. Or maybe I could become a hit man or something like that. There are alot of bad people who need to be dead. So MadBrad if you do kill someone. Can you kill some bad people.

    But remember everyone… Don t Say A Fucking Word!!!

  35. When first reading this article i found most comments sophmoric and silly. Then i realized if even someone like open minded me would so easily blow this off, I imagine cock for brain detectives and profilers would also be dismissive of this article and it’s posts. Are a few of you really here hiding in plain sight? Quite possible i imagine.

    I would love to hear the thoughts of an empath serial killer….if such a thing exists.

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