by The Late Mitchell Warren

Donald Trump made headlines in March 2011 reiterating a “birth conspiracy” theory held by many tea-partiers that suggested that Barack Obama was born in Kenya and was thus ineligible for presidency. He fanned the flames of this bi-partisan war by giving his statements to the press, appearing all over Fox News, and by appearing on The View where it is customary to agitate at least one modern-thinking woman with old-world views.

As recently as April 7, 2011, Trump was still hammering the issue because he claimed to speak for disgruntled Americans who felt Obama should prove his citizenship by producing an official document. Trump challenged the “short birth certificate” that Obama produced during his 2008 campaign, and demanded to see the long birth certificate publicly—a document Trump doubted he could produce. Tea-partiers itched with anticipation, figuring that the black man that represents them would never be able produce such a document and that his election and disastrous presidential administration was not a mistake of the American people.

Then on April 27, 2011, something astounding happened. President Barack Obama produced his long birth certificate, solidifying his reputation as an ignorant American. Obama told reporters, “We’ve got some enormous challenges out there…I am confident that the American people and America’s political leaders can come together in a bipartisan way and solve these problems.” He then girl-slapped Trump with the concluding statement, “But we aren’t going to be able to solve these problems if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers.”

“Was he talking about me?” Trump asked rhetorically to his fish-eyed children. “I know people who are saying that he was absolutely talking about me.”

What Shall Become of The Donald?

Now that the “birther” campaign has officially died a humiliating death, Republicans, tea-partiers and Obama haters are re-posturing themselves, hoping to maintain a sliver of dignity after a presidential derriere-kicking. Conspiracy nuts are speculating that maybe Obama stalled so that he could order an official looking birth certificate from Kinko’s or perhaps from this site.

Meanwhile, the Christian Science Monitor responded to the anti-scandal with a jocular observation that Trump “schooled President Obama” by provoking him to take the bait. Rush Limbaugh played the role of GOP big brother and described the political debacle as “nothing but a reality show”, and was amused that a reality show star could “force Obama’s hand.”

Democrats and liberals pouted in the wake of Obama’s forced revelation, with Jesse Jackson implying the campaign was racist, and with even Bill O’Reilly suggesting no one (including Trump) really believed the sentiment. The president himself called this birther criticism “silliness.”

While many men at this point would slink back into the darkness, or at least climb out of the mud puddle long enough to clean his suit, Trump decided that even in failure one can still claim victory.

Trump himself responded to the president’s call with an oblivious sense of pride declaring, “I am so proud of myself. I got this guy to release his birth certificate. I’m really, really happy.”

In other words, that’s not egg on his face, those are his smiling dimples.

A lesser man would admit defeat, but not this Republican hopeful, with GOP ambitions still firmly in his hand, in his pocket. Now that the nation has stopped talking about the birth certificate issue, Trump is boldly ready to focus on other issues.

Who says that Trump has foiled his early presidential campaign? As far as the tea party, conservative, and Big Oil Republican base go, he still smells like a rose.

Trump for 2012 is standing strong, because in the spring of 2011 Trump revealed his true Republican values.

He denies facts and cleverly stretches the truth.

He cleverly postures and takes credit for other people’s achievements.

He gets rid of people he doesn’t like.

He sees every personal defeat as a victory for the American people.

He says funny things and laughs at his own jokes.

He is in favor of dangerous oil and nuclear energy.

He lives in bankruptcy while enjoying the high life.

Most of all, he’s reckless, unqualified and entertaining.

Donald Trump should not feel ashamed. He is still the perfect GOP candidate and adheres to a long line of Republican ninnies. He embodies the Ignorant American of 2012. He symbolizes the greed of the American people and our resolve to never give up a losing battle.

We hope he does triumph over Barack Obama in 2012 because we really should be blaming white people for our country, which is by all rationale, a “disaster.”

It will be The Apprentice: White House and it would make for a great reality TV show!

In Conclusion

Many years ago during Season 1 of The Apprentice, Donald Trump saw a young Nick Warnock compete for grand prize: to run a Donald Trump Company. Nick’s attitude was brash, his hair was distracting, and his energy was undeniable. Despite important people constantly criticizing Nick’s sales ability, Nick could still get away with saying classic lines like:

“This is showtime. This is what I do for a living. This is my knitting, if you will. I sell things. I’m phenomenal at it. Ereka, Bill, Katrina and most of the people have underestimated me…I said, ‘Hop on this back, I’m taking us to the promised land.’”

It must have been a bittersweet moment for Trump, the second he realized he fired himself.

7 thoughts on “Donald Trump Would Make the Perfect Republican GOP Candidate”

  1. Actually, the Birther Bullshit hasn’t died, like all Zombies it has regenerated into “The Afterbirth: In Search of The black Muthafucka’s Birth Placenta!”

    As for Donald. I see him paired with Palin. Their campaign/ reality show motto? “You’re Fired/ I quit!”

  2. There is one major criteria for a Presidential hopeful; who is the best entertainer? Of course, this consideration is balanced by a more traditional one; who is raking in the most money? This might cause a bit of head scratching for the countries diligently experimenting with democracy. After checking monetary assets, it will occur to them that by American demonstrations of democracy, they would have to vote back in the same successful businessmen they had just kicked out. I vote we make things official and move the Capitol to Hollywood.

  3. Of course the President was talking to him. It is widely known Donald Trump is P.T. Barnum reincarnated. It probably says so on his birth certificate which Everyone should demand to see. After all, reincarnation is definitely more dangerous to America than Islam.

  4. Is there a birth certificate for Mr Trump’s hair? I’d like to have a look at it.

  5. it is sad to watch a bunch of middle aged white men .. and their minions .. refuse to consider a black man with more power and influence than they have .. it is all racist .. it is all transparent .. it is all sickening .. and it will never end … it is also, sadly, America .. how sad is that ??

  6. Trump made a fool of himself and Obama drolly replied to focus on the real issues. Then Obama said, Look everybody! I killed Osama Bid Laden! (massive applause) And then one guy slowly stopped clapping and said…”wait a minute…”

  7. If my choice is between Obama (mr. “nobel peace laurite” who hides imperialistic aggression under a guise of “humanitarianism) and Trump (who just flat-out admits that he’s waging war for oil) I’ll vote for Frank Castle so he can march into the halls of power with an M-60 and obliterate the political class single-handedly…

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