by The Late Mitchell Warren
For centuries, people have wondered about the origins of April Fools’ Day and whether or not it’s a Pagan holiday, thereby invalidating it in the eyes of this great nation full of 308 million reasonable non-hypocrites.
Unfortunately, the United States government and the American-written Wikipedia have published revisionist history for April 1. The official explanation for the origin of April Fools’ Day is that it has no clear origin; that it is perhaps remnants of an Indian, Tantric sex ritual or that it is simply a holiday of human celebration based on the musings of an egomaniacal Flemish poet (is there any other kind, really?) in the 16th century who wrote of a nobleman who sent his servants to perform foolish errands on his behalf, a “poisson d’avril” (or “April Fish”) demonstrating through parable the insanity and self-indulgence that characterize all rich people. (A common stereotype that we the poor still know to be true)
Others believe that April Fools’ Day developed because of the stupidity of Middle Ages European people who insisted upon celebrating New Year’s Day on March 25th because they couldn’t properly read their calendars. (Please note I referred to the stupidity of Middle Ages Europeans, as in medieval, and not middle aged Europeans like David Cameron and Giorgio Napolitano) Naturally, “enlightened” people of the time celebrated New Years on January 1 and looked down upon those who celebrated the week long holiday from March 25th to April 1st referring to them all as “damn conservative fools.”
Another popular theory is that Geoffrey Chaucer invented April Fools’ Day by accident. In Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales (1392) the “Nun’s Priest’s Tale” is set as “Syn March bigan thritty dayes and two.” Scholars now believe that what Chaucer meant to say was “Syn March was gon”, or “32 days after March”, which would be May 2, the anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia.
Unfortunately, people back then were just as stupid as people nowadays, and thus mistook the setting as the 32nd day of the month of March, or April 1st. In the story, Chauntecleer is a vain cock that is tricked by a fox. (But what cock can’t be described as vein? I mean vain)
However, I believe it’s only fair to set the record straight. April Fools’ Day is a Pagan holiday and by precedent, has been associated with some of the most vile and sadistic behavior in human history. My conscience simply doesn’t allow me to take part in a holiday where innocent people were bludgeoned to death all in the name of good fun.
Now I should reiterate that the term Pagan means, to Christians, any holiday or custom or government that Jesus personally disapproves of. It’s a major misconception that we believe Pagan means “a polytheistic or pre-Christian religion.” No, Pagan simply means that we measure the entity of discussion against the “What Would Jesus Do” principle.
If Jesus would not do this thing, we call it Pagan. Hence, one could reply…
“Say, do you want to go to a movie?”
“What’s the movie called?”
“Marvel Comics’ Thor.”
“Hmm, I can’t see Jesus going to see a movie about a long-haired blonde Nancy that summons power from his hammer. So I’d have to say…Pagan.”
“Hey, that girl really likes you, dawg. I’ll bet you wanna tap that ass, playa.”
“Hmm…I can’t see Jesus doing a skank like that. So I’d have to say that bitch is too Pagan for me, dawg.”
So now that you fully understand the concept of Paganism, allow me to share with you three reasons why April Fools’ Day is a Pagan holiday, unworthy of my celebration. The first precedent we have of April Fools’ Day being celebrated dates back to the time of Noah. As you probably know, due to divine vengeance, which was promised because of the earth’s newly found Democratic government in which giant conglomerates (born of spirit angels) raped and pillaged the poor, the earth was flooded to the point of total destruction.
The only family who was spared was that of Noah’s family, who had survived by building an ark. Upon this ark, Noah brought two of every animal (under 100 tons, assumedly) and stayed in the ark for forty days. However, the waters rose for 150 days and Noah was stuck in the ark for a long period of time—with his angry wife. With his annoying son and daughter in laws. And with Ham and Canaan, two strong and dainty men who leered at Noah day after day and made him feel very uncomfortable.
After the fortieth day and the fortieth night, Noah was nearly delirious from cabin fever (not to mention the stench of sex and shit) and aching to be out on land again. The ark waited on the mountains of Ararat and didn’t recede until the first month. (The Hebrew month corresponding to our month of April)
His eyes lit up when an angel spoke to him at night saying, “Noah, come up! Forty days and forty nights have passed and the earth is dry. Come now, eat meat and have intercourse!”
Noah was so happy and excitedly ran to the door alerting his family to get up. Noah opened a window he had made in the ark and sent out a dove. To his disappointment, the dove came back to him.
As Noah reached the door, seeing only rain, he heard the dove (no doubt summoning the voice of a mischievous angel) say, “You old drunken fool!”
Noah was devastated. This was not a time for merriment or laughter. Noah had to go back into the feces-infested ark with a long face and bruised pride. His own family laughed at him. Even the dove crapped on his hand out of spite. Apparently the sons of heaven who followed Satan enjoyed humiliating the prophets.
Another bad precedent for April Fools’ Day was in the time of Jesus. After his death in the month of Nisan (corresponding to April), Jesus was buried, a mocked and humiliated son of God, who suffered the indignities of man in order to save the righteous; the true bulwark of Christianity. His disciples, confused and grief-stricken, decide to go his tomb so that they could anoint his body with spices. Some of them pondered whether his heaven-bound body would be missing or if the earthly corpse would still be rotting.
To their surprise, upon opening the tomb they found a note. Signed Jesus, it read “Sorry, my brothers. I am not really the Messiah. I just wanted to see how far you would take this. Ha Ha Ha. (The ancient Jewish version of “LOL”) We sure had some laughs, did we not? I hope I have taught you the importance of laughter.”
The disciples were shocked and appalled. They wailed and cried for hours. Some talked about committing suicide. Others became disillusioned and questioned God himself. All belief in Christianity, all hope in justice and truth, the voice of the lowly one being saved in a world full of greed and evil, had been nothing but a lie.
Just as they were at their lowest ebb, Judas Iscariot emerged from the shadows with a big Nisan Fools’ grin on his face.
“Judas!” Peter yelled in frustration.
“Ha ha ha. You should have seen the look on your face! Who is the fool now?!”
“Arggghh!” Thomas shrieked.
Of course the Lord has really disappeared and went to heaven. But that rascally old troll Judas just had to cause trouble one more time. It wasn’t funny. It was just MEAN.
One last story to demonstrate the villainy and tyranny of April Fools’ Day.
During this campaign, Cromwell ordered the massacre of the entire town of
Drogheda, along with the troops Over 3,500 people including women and children were slained. Cromwell also went out of his way to send a second army to invade Scotland. At the Destruction of Dundee, he was responsible for the murder of over half the population of Dundee, killing innocents along the way, leaving only a few survivors to become slaves and prostitutes. By the end of his bloody campaign, about one third of the Irish population (an estimated 500,000 people) had died on orders of Cromwell.
What most people don’t know is that Cromwell elected to start this genocidal campaign on April 1, 1648. Cromwell indeed played a “prank” on the people of Ireland and Scotland and charmed his way into the territory pretending to be a man of the people against Charles I’s injustice. However, this ghastly lie ended not only with disappointment, but with grave sin. One would think, despite the holiday’s purity of intentions, this shocking example of an April Fools’ Day gone wrong, would be enough to retire the lie once and for all.
But no. That’s because we in the United States love to lie. We love to trick, to fool, to promise something and then screw someone royally ruining their life forever all in the name of a gag. Lying is an American tradition and an important part of our heritage. Never has a country detested truth so much and fought so hard for the proliferation of lies, exaggerations and empty promises. In fact, it seems to be the only way one can get elected.
And in case you’re wondering, I have indeed suffered my own April Fools’ Day pranks, and I was not amused with any of them. The idea of April Fools’ Day might be a light and enjoyable farce but MY experience with it has tarnished it forever and I can’t imagine hurting anyone the way I have been hurt. I remember my past April Fools’ Day attacks very well…
Ex Girlfriend: I really love you. I think I want to marry you.
Ex Girlfriend: Not really, I’m dumping you because I had sex with your best friend last night. I just couldn’t think of another way of telling you. April Fools!
Ex Girlfriend: Mitchell, I was pregnant with your child but I decided to have an abortion. I don’t necessarily mind having children but the thought of your baby makes me physically ill. This nation is pro-choice so I have the backing of the state. Don’t fight me on this.
Ex Girlfriend: Getting an abortion was really a bizarre experience. The dead fetus did sort of look like you. It was just weird seeing all those body baby parts all over our bed. Oh and sorry I ruined your hangar. (Hands Mitchell a blood soaked hangar)
Ex Girlfriend: Hey! My body, my choice you fucking Republican douche bag!
Ex Girlfriend: Hahahah! April Fools!
Mitchell: Ohhh, I get it.
Ex Girlfriend: I just took the morning after pill.
Mitchell: Ah. Heh.
Mugger: (Pointing a gun) Get on the ground! Gimme all your money!!!!
Mitchell: (Panicked, lowering himself to the ground) OK, OK! Please don’t shoot me!
Mugger: You’ve seen my face. I’m going to have to kill you, sucka.
Mitchell: Noo! Please don’t kill me!!
Mugger: Give me your money!
Mitchell: It’s in my wallet! Take it!
(The mugger grabs Mitchell’s wallet and takes the money)
Mugger: This ain’t enough money. I’m going to have to take something else too.
Mitchell: (Crying) Oh no. Why am I cursed with good looks and sex appeal?
Mugger: HEY! What’s that noise?
(The mugger looks around and then runs away)
(Mitchell’s friend emerges from the shadows)
Friend: Hahahahah! Boy we had you going! April Fools!
Mitchell: (Holding his heart) Oh…I see. Hahah, I guess that was funny.
Friend: You should have seen the look on your face! That was hilarious!
Mitchell: …Yeah. Friend of yours?
Friend: Yeah. A friend of a friend. I don’t really know him that well.
Mitchell: Is he coming back? You know…to give me the money he took?
Friend: Um……………………….…huh. I guess so. I mean…we never really talked about it.
Mitchell: Ah. I see. Well…do you know where he lives or how to get in contact with him?
Friend: No. In fact, I think he’s leaving town this weekend. I think that’s what someone was saying.
Mitchell: Oh. Okay.
Friend: (Breaks into tears) I’m sorry, Mitchell!
Mitchell: Yeah…wasn’t a very good April Fools’ prank, was it?
Friend: I’m sorry! I’m just so desperate and pathetic. I hate my life, Mitchell.
Mitchell: I know. Look, it’s okay. Let’s just go home.
Friend: (Pulls out a gun) I’m sorry, Mitchell. I need more money for crack. I’m going to have to take your car.
Mitchell: Ah, dammit!
AND THE LIST OF GRIEVANCES GOES ON AND ON.
I hope all you April Fools pranksters are happy with the carnage you have created! Do us all a favor and stop bringing pain and misunderstanding to our dying world!