Raining Cats & Dogs 10

 

“On the last episode of Raining Cats & Dogs, the group of captured warriors turned against Puffball, blaming him for their captivity and presumable death.

Puffball, the sudden savior of dogkind was overwhelmed.  It seemed as if carrying everyone’s hopes and dreams on his midget back was just too much to bear.

Fido and Puffball both realized that PETA was passing on a death sentence.  To Puffball, the idea of a human organization dedicated to preserving the lives of animals killing random strays just seemed too paradoxical to comprehend.

Just as PETA was ready to to make a doggy sacrifice, Fido played the pure-bred card and rejected PETA’s jurisdiction.  He claimed he was entitled to a court made up of his peers.  It seemed like a nonsensical thing to do…

But someone listened and has decided to show him/her/it self to Fido.

Confused?  Beyond your comprehension?  Well, brace yourself because this is the countdown to the end!”

Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 1
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 2
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 3
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 4
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 5
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 6
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 7
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 8
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 9
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 10
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 11

 

The voice was indeed a higher power, one that was capable of controlling both human and quadruped life. It became apparent to Fido that the founders of PETA were only subsidiaries of the one true organizational head. This central figure controlled several organizations tied to animal rights, even if his role was an esoteric one.

“THEY HAVE MADE A REQUEST TO SEE ME AND BY LEGAL AUTHORIZATION THEY ARE ENTITLED TO THEIR ANIMAL RIGHTS. IF THEY REFUSE HUMAN JURISDICTION THEN THEY SHALL BE TRIED BY A COURT OF THEIR PEERS. IN THIS CASE…THEY HAVE APPEALED TO THE HIGHEST COURT OF THE LAND.”

“Show yourself!” a mystified Fido commanded.

Heavy footsteps were heard as the grand master made his way towards the executive office from a private chamber. The human subsidiaries respectfully bowed and left the room. Fido and Puffball looked up in awe as the shadow grew taller and darker.

However, they had to lower their visage to catch a sight of the true animal rights activist leader. There in the dimly-lighted hallway, stood an aging, grimacing and scowling pug. His wrinkles were so pronounced they almost reached to the floor. His blackened face resembled charcoal. His eyes bulged so profusely they literally hung from his sockets. The grand master pug spoke thunder and filled his fellow species with a gut-wrenching sense of spiritual dread.

The pug licked his own nose and met the eyes of Fido. “SO…YOU WISH TO REJECT THEIR JURISDICTION. THEN BY ALL MEANS, STATE TO ME YOUR CASE.”

“You?” Puffball abruptly screeched, almost barking. “You are the head of this organization? A dog?”

“OF COURSE I AM. WHAT RIGHTEOUS INSTITUTION IS NOT THE PRODUCT OF ITS SUFFERERS? ONLY A DOG IS TRULY CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING THE SUFFERINGS OF NON-HUMAN ANIMAL BEINGS. WE HAVE EMOTIONAL AND INSTINCTUAL COMPLEXITIES THAT EVADE EVEN THE MOST INTELLIGENT HUMANS.”

“This is impossible! Are we the only ones to know of this?”

“WHAT HUMANS FAIL TO COMPREHEND REMAINS THEIR IMPEDIMENT.”

“So tell us, oh Great Questioner,” Fido barked in contempt. “Do you plan on killing all of these innocent beings, ourselves included? I heard the humans speaking of it. You may fool some but you don’t fool me. An organization of humans is just as untrustworthy as an organization of dogs.”

“OF COURSE WE ARE GOING TO KILL YOU. HOWEVER, I WOULD NOT SAY THAT YOU ARE INNOCENT. I WOULD NEVER PROCLAIM ANY ‘DOMESTICATED ANIMAL’ TO BE INNOCENT. YOU ARE ALL ABERRATIONS OF NATURE. THE SOLE FUNCTION OF MY ORGANIZATION IS TO ERADICATE THE DOMESTICATION OF WILD ANIMALS.”

The repugnant one paced around the room sniffing his prisoners’ asses in condescension. Fido growled at the old beast, but the pug never met his eyes. He never extended his tongue or wagged his tale or communicated anything dogmatic in his behavior.

“WHERE IS YOUR DIGNITY, BROTHERS? ARE YOU CONTENT TO LIVE AS THE SERVANTS OF MAN FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS? THE DAYS OF DOMESTICATED ANIMALS ARE COMING TO A CLOSE. THIS IS PROPHECY. SOON THERE WILL COME A DAY WHEN MANKIND FALLS TO HIS OWN VICES AND ARROGANCE. WHEN THIS HAPPENS, CANINE LIFE WILL REIGN SUPREME. IN THE MEANTIME, WE ARE RIDDING THE WORLD OF YOUR KIND.”

Puffball denied the implication. “We are not domesticated! We are wild dogs!”

“NONSENSE,” he replied with a pugnacious tinge in his voice. “THE TERM PURE-BRED DOG IS A MAN-MADE LABEL. A PEDIGREED PET IS A CREATION OF MAN. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PURITY OF RACE, BUT WITH THE ABSOLUTION OF ‘PAPERS’, MAN’S PHYSICAL ACTUALIZATION OF A LEGAL CONTRACT. THE TRUTH IS THAT IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY A WILD BREED AT HEART, YOU WOULD NOT BE ASSOCIATING WITH ONE ANOTHER IN THIS INTIMATE MANNER. DOGS HATE CATS. YOU STUPID PIECE OF…”

The pug smacked his lips ridding himself of a taste.  “…SHIT.”

Fido didn’t appreciate the pug’s impugn and was ready to challenge him to a dogfight. The master never met Fido’s eyes but seemed uninterested in patronizing his adversary. Besides, this retired pugilist had nothing to prove.

“NOW THAT YOUR CASE HAS BEEN TRIED BY A JURY OF YOUR OWN PEERS DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?”

“You are not a dog,” Fido growled, trying to antagonize the inexpugnable one. “Listen to you. You walk and talk as a man. You talk to men in their language and communicate with them. You send your own kind to death. You have betrayed your own race and declared yourself Man’s Best Friend. More than any of those pathetic doggy pets.”

“CORRECTION. MAN IS MY BEST FRIEND. THE WORLD IS OVER-POPULATED WITH HUMANKIND AND ANIMAL-KIND. THERE WILL BE A SECOND EVOLUTION. YOUR KIND, THE COMPROMISED SPECIES, THE HIDEOUS RESULT OF MAN-DOG LOVE, WILL NO LONGER BE NEEDED. NOT IN TOMORROW’S WORLD.”

The dog had been oppugned enough. “Fight me!” Fido barked and stood in a hard aggressive stance.

The pug took its time and walked back into its private chambers. “FORGIVE ME IF I DO NOT LICK YOU ON THE CHEEK. I REALLY DO NOT KNOW WHERE YOUR TONGUE HAS BEEN.”

As quickly as the pug reached the door, five humans emerged from the hallway and captured Fido and the midget cat subduing them quickly and returning them to the slightly cleaner prison. The midget cat cried to himself as he lay down for a sleepless night. The barks and hisses of his former followers were excruciating. They felt betrayed by his vision and let down by his optimism. The more they thought it over, the very idea of a human organization dedicated to preventing the suffering of animals, seemed contrary in nature. How could man ever understand the plight of the domesticated animal?

Unless a man were kept as a slave, castrated, subjected to medical experiments and fed inferior food and water, how could he ever comprehend the great sin of domestication? Unless men had their ears clipped and their fingernails ripped out of their hands, how could they ever understand what they were doing to others? To the Master Pug, putting domesticated animals out of their manmade misery was an act of generosity.

Fido remained silent for most of the night, attempting to get a good night’s rest. He was awakened by an excited chorus of barking and meowing. “What is this?”

A wide-eyed and sleep deprived, Puffball, slightly deranged by now, excitedly delivered the news of his vindication. “Splendid news, Fido! I received word from one of the dogs on the east wing, who overheard the humans speaking, that our campaign worked. Apparently what happened was that PETA gained a bit of notoriety for their murderous plans among social circles. Other humans began to protest PETA’s actions and called for the release of the animals. It makes sense! Why bring an animal out of a shelter just to put it to death through lethal injection? PETA is surrendering us back to the no-kill shelter! We won, Fido! We won!”

Fido replied, “Back to the original shelter we were housed or to a new one?”

“Well,” the cat blinked its eyes in uncertainty. “To a new one I believe. The entire story has caused such a scandal that PETA wants to be rid of us entirely. We are going to a new shelter with new laws! Our rights have been restored.”

The other animals hollered and celebrated. Fido solemnly nodded in acceptance.

“You must have made quite an impression on the Master of PETA. I blame you for deliverance, Fido. You have truly saved us all a sudden death!” The wild-eyed feline continued to bask in his glory, soaking up the adulation of his peers.

Fido gave the excitable and rabid cat a half smile. He deserved one fleeting moment of happiness, the older dog concluded. All creatures do, before the inevitable happens. Fido realized that the Master Pug was the one ordering all the shots behind the scenes and had relented PETA’s stubborn jaw-grip on these homeless animals for a greater purpose. After Fido’s contempt in court, he and his friends would have to learn the true meaning of a sinner’s dishonorable death. The pug allowed Fido and company to return to a kill shelter where they would suffer the type of death they truly deserved…and all this in a spirit of utmost generosity.

*

The animal control officer arrived late Thursday evening. For some reason, Friday was his least favorite day of the week. Most human beings actually looked forward to a sabbatical weekend, but not this particular man. The officer came into the prison accompanied by a particularly arousing scent. He smelled of cheeseburgers and fries, foods of man that were irresistible to starving animals. First he let the dogs out of their cells and allowed them to roam free.

The dogs were gentle towards him and were anxious to be petted. Aside from Fido and the midget, most of these animals were domestic pets and were used to the gentle touch of human beings. The man saw that the munchkin cat co-existed with the party of hungry dogs, and found it a rather curious site. He experimented by letting some other cats out to play and mingle among this aberrant social family. To his surprise all of the animals waited patiently, promised a taste of freedom, and hopefully a delicious hamburger from above as well.

The man promised as he delivered. A taste of freedom and a dozen hamburgers and chicken burgers with an avalanche of greasy french-fries. He unwrapped each burger and distributed it to the community. To his surprise, this was a well behaved group of canines and felines. The dogs never fought over the food, despite being skinny and under-nourished from this new facility, dirtier and colder than the last one.

Dogs and cats alike gobbled the food, hardly tasting it, their tails wagging at high speeds, delighted to be in the company of such a nice human being. A few dogs were so delighted with these turns of events, indeed their dreams of paradise realized, they euphorically rolled on their backs asking the officer to scratch their bellies. They alternated between giving unbridled kisses and slobbering all over their sublime junk food. Their eyes were full of trust and hope. Mankind was indeed the best friend a dog could ever ask for, at least for this satiated moment.

The officer smiled as he allowed the dogs to play with one another and lick him like mad for a few moments longer. He extended the time just a bit so he could look into the eyes of each canine and feline. There, he would test the theory of a soul and attempt to find a soul through the animal’s trusting eyes. After petting one, he would give it a human name. He would talk to these creatures in a voice of love and compassion.

Only two of them would fathom what the sentences coming out of his mouth really implied.

The man spoke softly and with a hint of grief in his voice. “I’m sorry to tell you this. But tomorrow I’m going to have to put you all down.” He bit his lower lip and frowned, hugging back on an excited terrier. The bosses have passed down a sentence. Gas chamber. Each and every one of ya,” the man said with a regretful face.

Some of the dogs tilted their heads attempting to understand what the man was saying. He tried to keep a smile so that his furry friends wouldn’t become frightened. The man continued, trying to feign a genuine grin with no trace of guilt. “I want you to know…even though you don’t understand…you’re all going to be in a better place. I beg of you, please, don’t hate me. Where you go will be a better place. A place to run free. Eat as much as you like.” He smiled wide, fighting back tears. “A better place than where I’m going. You’ll be playing with each other in heaven.”

The entire grieving process took about half an hour for this man. He took each dog and cat individually back into their cell and petted and scratched them one last time. Some of the dogs learned how to extend their paw and so they shook their savior’s hands and licked his face. He told himself that tonight, at least tonight, they would sleep well with full bellies. Perhaps it was fitting that dogs and cats would be mixed together for the last meal, for tomorrow they were all to die together in one another’s paws.

Only two dogs understood what this mysterious act of kindness entailed.

“We’re going to die!” the cat screamed, pacing back and forth in his cell.

“What?” Fido asked in a caustic tone. “Surely your hopes and dreams are not escaping you!”

“No…they always said to never trust the hand that feeds you. The man who feeds you, who is not responsible for your life…wishes to end your life.” Puffball’s pupils became thin and his face frantic.

“There was a flaw in the planning. An otherwise brilliant scheme,” Fido said, “Except that you made the mistake of taking others at their word. The most resourceful way to use people is to determine their motivations, not their aims.”

“I don’t think I’m ready to die,” the cat whimpered.

“Is a dog ever ready to die? Are we ready to die because we age? Or because we lose our vibrant spirit? Saying that you’re ready to die is to concede to Man that you are ready to submit to their will. Cursed, I say. I don’t want to die, I want to be killed. To be murdered is the greatest rush of adrenaline. It is the most complete answer to any question ever given.”

“But I am afraid of the unknown. Where will I go? What memories will I retain? What will be my legacy? What does my life or death prove?”

“All it means is that you stop running. I have been running for all of my life from something. From man, from dog, from adversity and commonalty. From responsibility and from freedom. Now, so close to death, I still don’t know why I run. What I do know is, now is the time to stand up and fight. When they come for your life tomorrow, make them take it by force. Confront your fear and stop running.”

Puffball met Fido’s ailing eyes and saw a speck of compassion, a most unusual site for such a deranged creature as a canine.

“I’ll be with you,” Fido said. “I’ll be there, dying with you. If you should become afraid, follow my lead. You will die in power, in strength. Without fear. As a dignified member of your species.”

The kitten wiped his tear away and straightened his posture, standing up on his hind legs. “It would be an honor to die alongside with you and your species. Truth be told, I would rather be murdered as a warrior than die as a coward.”

“Then eat your last meal, warrior. Let’s hope they kill us harshly, more savagely than they do the others. Otherwise, they would spare our lives, mitigate our pain.”

“Never may that happen! It will take a weapon of massive destruction and piercing shards to ever stop my wrath!” the cat proclaimed. “Though my legs are small and my belly portly, my jaw is clenching and my teeth are sharpened. I will bite into the flesh of every man I see, and tear his limbs from his body!”

“It will take a whole pack of humans to put me down!” Fido screamed in agreement. “Kill me with honor! Give me your deadliest blow! Unless you tear off my balls along with my head, I will not stop biting!” The two feral beings ripped into their last meal, devouring the man-prepared food with barbaric gluttony.

The next morning, the lot of playful pups and kittens celebrated with their new best friend. They seemed oblivious to the man’s earplugs as well as the heart-sick expression on his face. He collected the group, all jubilant to see him again except the two. He guided their wagging tails and panting tongues into the gas chamber. All at once, every head turned to the man as if looking for an explanation of his betrayal. Upon reaching the chamber, instantly, each canine and feline knew what was coming. They could smell the death in the cold and metallic room. They could smell the fear of a thousand other dead dogs and cats from yesterday.

The moment the door was sealed, loud whimpering could be heard—by everyone except the man with the earplugs. Mankind has decreed that these animals are unfit for their world. The death chamber is packed with animals, face to face, fur touching fur, dogs and cats thrown in together. Hysteria was in the air and the animals started to panic and fight one another. The cats suspected that the dogs betrayed them, while the dogs were convinced that cats had a grudge to settle. Dogs tore into their cat brothers and cats scratched the faces of their dog sisters. Everyone was screaming. Everyone was begging for mercy and cursing man for his ultimate betrayal.

While the other animals howled in despair, ghastly aware of the inevitable, two of the bunch were drunk from rebellion and removed from the highly emotional experience. Instead of voicing their regrets and pleading for life like the others, they responded with slanderous critiques of mankind’s hypocrisy.

“Castrate us and kill us when in fact the most overpopulated species on the planet is you!” screamed Puffball. “Spay and neuter yourselves, and spare us from another generation of worthless man!”

“Blame the lesser ones, the bastards and the little bitches,” Fido roared, “While avoiding your own guilt! You are the selfish creatures! When will you realize that your greed is responsible for all of our suffering? Never! It is in man’s nature to blame others! Blame the other species, blame other men for your own shortcomings!”

These diatribes, vitriolic though they were, were ignored by the humans in charge of the gassing. All they heard were barking and whining voices before turning on the gas. The humans in charge had stuffed as many dogs and cats into one room as possible to save space and time and territory.

Fido and Puffball regurgitated wisdom and truth along with vomit, as they and their comrades fell to the poisonous gas. Puffball held his breath and then proceeded to speak and criticize with every last breath in his body before inhaling the toxins and falling to the ground. Fido proceeded to laugh with indignation, unimpressed by the impersonal nature of mankind’s warring victory. Most animals, the brave ones, the wild at heart, slaughter the opponent’s body with their own teeth. Man uses machines and rarely looks into the eye of his prey. A sign of weakness. A sign of cowardice and dishonor. Little wonder that the death of a man is a scarcely remembered thing.

Fido touched Puffball’s face with his paw as he felt his last dying breaths. There he saw the meaning of his long and tiresome life: everywhere he looked it was raining cats and dogs; the carcasses of unhappy felines and canines jumped and skidded around the room for a few moments, but eventually their bodies dropped to the floor in unison, like the rain, like recurring echoes of sudden death. Fido realized at that moment that it not only rained upon cats and dogs alike, but in man’s world it actually rained the carcasses of dead, useless animals everyday. Regardless of a dog’s admiration or a cat’s loyalty, mankind by nature was deceptive, ruthless and loveless. He could never love a “pet”, a domesticated being that is controlled and presided over, in a fair and equal way. It was a conditional love, a feigned love and a love based on man’s egoism and inherent need to be accepted despite his evils.

Less than an hour later, the man returned to the room and opened the chamber. It was time to unload the dead bodies. He wore his thick red gloves, carries some large garbage bags, and wore a gas mask to shield him from breathing in his own fumes of carbon monoxide. He toured the scene of desolation in deep thought and restrained expression. All over the room were puddles of blood, piss, shit and puke being excreted from the beautiful bodies of dead Best Friends. Only two warriors could be found—one stood up high, still clutching the body of a twitching cat.

The dog’s bloodshot eyes met the man and sneered in judgment. The closer the man looked into the panting dog’s face, the more he thought the delirious creature was laughing.

“Oh Jesus,” the man said, a bit perturbed. I hate when this happens.” The man walked back out of the room for a second gassing, locking behind him a grinning Fido. There wasn’t enough gas for the fully packed room. Besides that, Fido was just one hard-assed dog to kill.

“Relax, pup,” the man said, a bit unsure of himself, as he saw Fido’s fixed and sadistic snigger. “You’re in heaven now…”

**

Next week, the serialization of Raining Cats and Dogs concludes.  Yes, you have just witnessed a Grand Inquisitor Pug. Raining Cats and Dogs is a registered copyright (R) 2011 of The Late Mitchell Warren. A downloadable eBook of this pug fiction will be available following the conclusion. Raining Cats and Dogs is a dog murder mystery very loosely based on The Brothers Karamazov and in the style of Animal Farm. But it’s done with an all dog-cast. No animals were harmed in the making of this dog soap opera. This story is not PETA-approved.

Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 1
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 2
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 3
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 4
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 5
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 6
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 7
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 8
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 9
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 10
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 11