“On the last episode of Raining Cats & Dogs, Diamond, Fido’s son by Gunda, learned of his father’s death. Diamond is a dog in the rough to say the least, and used his father’s death as an excuse to rape, pillage and get drunk, as usual. As is the family custom.
Bloodhound Bessie and Diamond both interrogated Sir Mikhail, who couldn’t imagine that the Fido he once knew could be murdered by a cat. Or a cat-dog mutant baby called Pal Joey, for that matter.
Bessie met up with Tashi, now a full blown doggy cult leader who had created his own paradise of cat-dog tolerance called…
No one could quite wrap their mind around the outrageous Pal Joey scenario. However, what other explanation was there? Will Bessie get to the bottom of the mystery? Will Diamond continue to rape his cousins out of guilt and depression? Will Sir Mikhail have another drink?
Confused? You won’t be after this episode of Raining Cats & Dogs.”
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 1
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 2
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 3
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 4
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 5
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 6
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 7
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 8
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 9
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 10
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 11
When Diamond’s half brother was told of the news he became predictably despondent. Bessie and Tashi figured that whatever violence Diamond was capable of perpetrating to others, this one was capable of doing the same internally. This Golden Retriever Collie mix had a unique patch of white across his back, leading Tashi and the elders of the tribe to nickname him Ivory. Furthermore, his contemporaries liked using the name for metaphorical purposes; he was the “pure ivory” pup in spirit, the one white dog that remained incorruptible even while living in the ominous shadow of his errant father.
Ivory never inherited his father’s crudity, but did pick up on Fido’s isolationist leanings. Ivory practically ensured his separation from the commune by sharing his sullen philosophies to anyone who would listen. It was an anti-dogmatic spirit to be sure; it was in the nature of canine-kind to be sociable and convivial. Dogs wagged their tails and their tongues as a sign of patriotism and proper respect shown to their heritage and species. Dogs may have been equal with cats in this land, but they always remained separated, at least in their own perceptions. Dogs understood cats to be the tolerated creatures. Tashi, though being a tribal leader of Caninae Familiare was one of the most outspoken proponents of the dog-cat spiritual segregation. Tashi once prepared an edict addressing the different nature of cats and dogs, which Ivory intently studied all the days of his youth.
Tashi declared:
Cats are not plain evil, as our dogma sometimes suggests. Rather, they are duplicitous by nature. They have predatory instincts that they have learned after living multiple generations in the wild. I believe in other worlds foreign to what we know, cats are huge, monstrous creatures that dominate the jungle and tear their victims to shreds with their own teeth. We cannot be resentful of the fact that cats have evolved into the feral beings they are today. Because they do it out of fear.
Nevertheless, we observe the negative behavior of cats and we seek to recondition them into becoming more docile, more placatory creatures. Cats do not deserve to be tortured, harassed or murdered for their heightened traits of defensiveness. They should be rehabilitated and patiently transformed into having the mind of a dog, even if struck inside the body of a cat. Science teaches us that cats are inclined to be iniquitous. I have personally watched cats play with their prey before killing it. I have seen cats wait in hiding to attack a dog, knowing that man will come to their aid and forbid retaliation.
Cats are stubborn and cannot be trained to act on command. Cats cannot be reasoned with, as to what they are supposed to eat, where they defecate and where they are to lay their pointy heads. Cats have a certain air of entitlement and declare their animal rights to whomever they please. Cats demand to be conceded to and only learn by the spray bottle, not by the treat. Cats are independent, whereas we as dogs have faith in Man.
This became the major issue that divided Ivory and Tashi. Ivory had the tendency to question everything he was taught, whether the teachings of Tashi and the tribal leaders, or even the egregious example set by his father. Ivory picked Tashi’s edict apart, implying that cats were being relegated as children of lesser men and that these teachings, though high in dogmatic patriotism, were also prejudicial to cats. Ivory questioned whether any dog could truly know or empathize with the perspective of cats, as Felidae and Canidae looked at the world through completely different eyes, and possessed vastly different instincts.
This was just one of many issues that led to Ivory’s self-willed expulsion from the rest of the group. It seemed as if whenever a new dog dared to approach Ivory with a wagging tail, Ivory would ask a series of long and paradoxical questions designed to chase the pup away. The only dogs capable of absorbing Ivory’s personality for a short length of time were Tashi, his oldest friend, and his younger sister Alex, whom he deeply loved.
When Tashi and Bessie first broke the news to Ivory, things seemed predictably mellow. However, as the conversation revealed itself, Ivory became more incensed at the intellectual implications of the act of murder.
“My father expired at the hands of a cat?”
“Not just a cat, a cat-dog hybrid.”
“Then tell me, bloodhound, which of the creature’s two species was truly culpable? Was it the strong dog in him that killed my father, or was it the cowardly cat side of him? If such a being existed, and if cross breeding is the real crime here, then one wonders of the dichotomous finding.”
“We know nothing else at this time, Ivory,” Tashi stewed, sensing Ivory’s aggressive inquisition.
“You apparently know who and what was responsible. Certainly one can be forgiven for asking an abundance of gratuitous questions, because a lack of answers obviously provokes the inquisitive mind.”
“It is not our place to question why things happen with inconvenience to our schedule, Ivory,” Tashi barked. “What we should be concerned about is how to break the news to your fragile sister.”
Ivory slowly nodded, pulled by a leash of guilt. If anyone understood Ivory’s motivation, then they sensed a great deal of his character was shaped by guilt. He grew up believing that his father abandoned the tribe because of him. He matured into a lonely pup, always ignored or counseled for asking too many deep questions. Lastly, he became a fully developed dog only upon the understanding that he hated his father with fervor. It was at that moment that he realized his responsibility, his obligations and his sin.
Tashi and Ivory dismissed Bessie when it came time to inform Alex. Alex was the richest dog in the land, she being the personal property of Lady Heather Lynn, a widowed human queen who kept a family of dogs in her three-story home. Lady Lynn anointed Alex as the dog-in-charge over her home, and appointed Alex and the offspring over the courtyard by night and the royal palace by day. Lady Lynn knew that Alex and Ivory shared a special bond so she made a trip to every month to Caninae Familiare so that the two dogs could sniff and greet.
Ivory never agreed to accompany Alex back to the human home, though the invitation stood firm. Ivory asked too many questions of Lady Lynn’s character, which he admitted would be dangerous to the morale of the house. Ivory was the only dog who dared to ever protest human wisdom, at least the only dog to do so openly since his notorious father. However, for this special trip Tashi and Ivory traveled their way down the block to meet Alex in person.
Alex hugged Ivory and Tashi with her neck as the three stood in Lady Lynn’s perfectly landscaped backyard. “We have rather discommoding news,” Tashi began slowly.
“I think I already know it,” Alex said sharply, meeting Ivory’s eyes. “You’ve come to tell me that my father is dead.”
“Yes, he was killed,” Ivory said blankly.
Alex sighed and wept to herself. “I knew it was only a matter of time. I’m a little surprised that anyone cared to report it.”
“Fido was a dog known to many though loved by few,” Tashi replied.
Alex whined as a tear rolled down her face. “No, he didn’t have many friends. But he was still one of Man’s Best Friends. He lives on in his Master’s memory.”
“News of his death is not the most disturbing finding, I fear,” Ivory interrupted. “It appears as if he was murdered by an illegitimate son. An aberration of nature, a cat-dog hybrid, is what the predominant theory is.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“It’s true. A sniff investigation of the scene indicates that the murderer had both cat hair and dog fur. This leads us to believe that some sort of mutated cat-dog murdered your father in brute strength,” Tashi assured her.
Alex held back laughter. “I’m afraid that simply isn’t possible.”
“Well, whenever all other possibilities have been eliminated that leaves only the improbable…”
“Absolutely not!” Alex barked. “You are talking about something that is scientifically impossible. Cats and dogs cannot reproduce.”
“Who are you to say?” Ivory gently chided. “Have you sniffed his carcass, were you there when—?”
“It doesn’t matter. The opinion of a few dogs cannot discount science,” Alex continued adamantly. “Felidae and Canidae have completely different DNA. The DNA of all species is unique and numbered just so. If there is no matching there can be no offspring.”
“Alex, where are you getting this information from?” Tashi demanded.
She paused in resentment. “My master frequently talks about science and genetics and I have heard this from straight from her own mouth.”
“Human wisdom!” Ivory declared with a snarl. “Alex, everything humans say is flawed. Humans tend to put absurd amounts of faith into what is unseen and untested.”
“This science you speak of is flawed if it denies the possibility of interspecies breeding,” Tashi remarked. “There have been confirmed sighting of cabbits and ligers by both dogkind and mankind. I have trustworthy friends that have personally met Manx cats, who have a mutated spine and tail. These creatures are the result of rabbit-tainted genetics.”
Alex rolled her eyes and shifted her head. “Tashi, in theory, even if some species tried to crossbreed there would be so many internal defects. The puppy-kitten thing would be aborted. We would never know of it.”
“I fear my sister is becoming hysterical,” Ivory said as he took two steps back. “Let’s instead focus on the tragedy that has transpired rather than sensationalizing my ex-father’s death.”
Alex shook off her frustration. “There is nothing else to say. Whatever once was, is not.”
“That much we can agree on,” mumbled Bessie.
Lady Lynn smothered Alex with love that night. The lady of the house seemed to slave over the doyenne of her camp, cooking Greyhound Grean Bean Grub at least once a week, followed by a pedigreed diet of wet food and dog food. Some of her cousins used to jest that Alex was more cat than dog, since she had been spoiled with the niceties of Womankind.
Perhaps what Lynn loved most about her Retriever-Collie was her commitment to family. In her youth, Alex became quite the tramp, and fathered multiple pups from several vagabond lovers. Yet even in the midst of abandonment Alex neither forgot her young nor requested aid from her departing suitors. To the contrary, she hastened their departure, never entirely comprehending the reason for their presence beyond procreation. But every pup she delivered became her own heart’s and so she showed the love of humankind to her offspring, just as her own ladyship taught her unconditional acceptance.
Ivory often wondered how Lynn was even capable of feeling compassion for a dog that had never exhibited any values that she held dear. Ivory was unable to fathom Fido’s existence on an intellectual level, much less an emotional one. He was a dog raised in brutality and one that died in a brutal slaying, an ideology completely foreign to his extended family made up of poets, thinkers and foster mothers. Alex kept her answers to Ivory purposely concise, stating only that Man lets it rain upon dogs and cats alike, even the dogs who display less than exemplary behavior.
Bessie met with some other bloodhounds to review the evidence he smelled. Bessie was never a dog to question the laws of nature of the precedents established by man. Anything’s possible, he concluded. However, he was confronted with evidence that demanded a close-ended conclusion. Hybrid hairs of cats and dogs were all over the presumed crime scene. The Pal Joey theory wasn’t completely solid, but there seemed to be no other reasonable scenario. Bessie concluded that whatever he was as a dog, he owed to Mankind. Mankind’s justice system was based on the appearance of evidence to establish fact. To follow justice on a whim, to investigate hunches, would be against the logic of Man. Some zealots might even try and suggest that to arbitrarily administer justice would be cat-like behavior, derivative of the Cat-holic Church that sinned against so many humans in old times. Bessie figured that existentialism wasn’t his specialty; only sniffing. He sniffed his way to a verdict and let the elders and important dogs know.
On record, Fido was murdered by a mysterious hybrid that officials only knew as Pal Joey. Out of respect for his family and in order to prevent mass hysteria among the community, they would downplay the murder investigation hoping it would disappear quickly. In this era of racial prosperity and at the brink of peace, such a fantastic plot twist would be unwelcome. The separate but equal pact between cats and dogs was proving to be manageable. “Sometimes truth is too dangerous to spread,” Bessie told one of his associates. “It’s the same principle as quarantining a virus. It helps to protect the innocent. It only keeps the dead in harm’s way.”
Bessie’s associate licked himself and took a shit, which demonstrated complete agreement.
***
Next week, the serialization of Raining Cats and Dogs will continue. Yes, there will be blood. Er, dogs. Raining Cats and Dogs is a registered copyright (R) 2011 of The Late Mitchell Warren. A downloadable eBook will be available following the conclusion. Raining Cats and Dogs is a dog murder mystery very loosely based on The Brothers Karamazov and in the style of Animal Farm. But it’s done with an all dog-cast. No animals were harmed in the making of this dog soap opera. This story is not PETA-approved.
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 1
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 2
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 3
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 4
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 5
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 6
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 7
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 8
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 9
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 10
Raining Cats & Dogs Episode 11
Why am i developing an urge to lick myself? Your motivated dogs make me wonder what they are really saying to each other when they bark and sniff. I thought it was simply a friend or foe sort of thing, now i wonder if it’s a debate of what came first; the puppy or the den.
Wha?! My real name IS Pal Joey! I have been castigated by Subversify! Your vituperation nauseates me!