Subversify Goes to the Dogs


Subversify Goes to the Dogs
by John Tannen

Subversify Magazine has gone to the dogs…literally!  No, we don’t mean the editorial staff has been reduced to begging, throwing bones and humping each other.  On the contrary, the publisher at large, The Late Mitchell Warren, has officially been replaced by Tashi, a lovable canine of the cocker spaniel family.

Subversify’s New Publisher

Why the doggone demotion?  Editor-in-chief Karla Fetrow explained that she saw the paw prints on the wall long before the executive decision was made.  “Mitchell had become increasingly erratic in his behavior over the past few weeks.  No one here at Subversify seemed to notice, since many of our readers do not easily differentiate insanity from subversive thinking.  However, his friends and family noticed.  We started suspecting something was awry when he sent the entire editorial team dog food as a Christmas present.”

In December 2010, Warren became unwholesomely obsessed with dog-metaphors and frequently compared his literary achievements as a writer to “rhythmic barking.”  He began requesting his writing clients pay him in “doggie treats” and “100% premium and organic diet” formulated from 40% meat, 50% vegetables, 10% grain.

Speaking of grain, Subversify Executive Producer Grainne Rhuad was the first one who called Warren on his bizarre personal and professional behavior.  “In December, it got to the point that Mitchell was submitting 30 page features on how to bark with proper grammar and why the housebreaking was an abomination of canine rights.  With all due respect to dog lovers out there, dog civil issues are just not what Subversify is about.”

In order to draw attention away from Mitchell’s sad mental breakdown, in December and January, the staff ran older stories by Mitchell from the year 2009.  Subversify tech-man Rocky D. Brown filled in for Mitchell at the forum and the magazine, impersonating the publisher in order to alleviate suspicions that Warren had indeed gone “kibbles and bits.”  Brown said playing the role of Mitchell was surprisingly easy.  “I just played him as self-obsessed, ego-driven and neurotic.  But without any of the gratuitous comments about dogs.”

Karla Fetrow and Grainne Rhuad met to discuss Mitchell’s fate on January 2, 2011.  Mitchell still had ownership of the site and thus could not be “put down” like any stray.  (Er sorry about that)  The only solution was to give Warren an extended absence so he could recover emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Though Warren will be forever associated with Subversify due to complicated legal issues that the magazine’s lawyers are still trying to work out, his writing duties will be suspended indefinitely until he exorcises his unfortunate doggy demons.  Warren is currently at home being care for by his long suffering wife, Heather Lynn.  She is optimistic about his recovery but remains unsure about Mitchell’s readiness to return at present.  “It hasn’t gone away.  The dog stuff?  I won’t go into much detail because I don’t want to slander his reputation publicly or embarrass him or reveal any private information.  But he wants it doggy style…all the time.  That’s not normal!”

Adding to the mystery of Warren’s dog obsession is this post which was featured on the Subversify Proboards forum.  Warren’s cryptic remarks shared with a roomful of Subversify readers now serve as a tragic foreshadowing of his mental deterioration.

“This whole thread has reminded me of how awesome dogs are and how much human beings suck.  Human beings are the most disgusting of animals and the most capricious, irrational and cruel creatures to ever crawl out of the sea.  The bible says in Genesis that God regretted making men on the earth and I can sympathize, as I certainly regret creating all of my fictitious human characters.

I stayed up all damned night writing a 40 page book on how to pick up girls via text messaging.  How stupid have men and women become in this day and age that they need so much help in following their basic biological urges?  Every emotion is simulated, fabricated and insincere. Every notion they have, every care is artificial and simulated.  They play games because in this society they are nothing more than products, characters in a video game of consumerism, patriotism and propaganda.  I am surrounded by millions of humanoids, TV-manufactured offspring who can’t think for themselves.  (Present company included!)

I am no longer able to relate to people, what drives them, what motivates them.  God is great, if he exists, because he had enough love to save a world of retards, sell outs, dictators, liars, vampire tweenies, and pretentious pricks and dolts, whereas if I had been his adviser I probably would have suggested wiping out the human race and starting over with a world of new blue and green colored species with tentacles and multiple eyes.

I am officially giving up on human beings and devoting myself to writing only dog-related fiction.  Dogs are truly complex, noble and self-sacrificing.  They captivate my mind and heart. Their intricacies and minds are truly worth discovering and anticipating.  I’ll let you know when I complete my dog novel.

Woof.”

Despite Warren’s fall from grace, and his indefinite suspension as publisher, the Subversify staff remains respectful of Warren’s contributions to the site.  In fact, for the months of January and February, the editorial team has decided to publish Warren’s much publicized novel “Raining Cats and Dogs” as a bone, er, token, of their admiration.

Karla Fetrow cites Warren’s finished project as a “neutered masterpiece.”  Though uncertain of the novella’s meaning and practical value for human beings, she does concede its originality.  “It is exactly what it sets out to be.  A dog novel.  A retelling of The Brothers Karamazov with an all-dog cast.  I don’t believe I’ve seen so many dogs in one story since the All Dogs Go to Heaven film.  But those dogs didn’t swear so much.”

Why all of these dog characters speak the English language was apparently a loophole the ailing Warren never rectified.  When asked for comment, Mitchell’s wife Heather Lynn said, “Please…no comments or questions about his dog novel.  It’s not helping the situation.”

This is what Mitchell sent us when we asked for a head shot.

Grainne Rhuad, Executive Producer, then came up with the edgy and madcap idea of replacing Mitchell Warren with an actual dog—at least until Mitchell snaps out of his mad dog time.  “I just thought it was right.  Towards the end [of Mitchell’s mental collapse into reverse cynophobia], Mitchell wanted the magazine to focus more on dog-related issues.  This is what I call a compromise.  We’ll retain the same format, but will make room for Mitchell’s dog story.  It’s Mitchell’s story about dogs, and it’s written for dogs…dogs that somehow speak English.  God bless him, he’s sick.”

Effective immediately, Tashi, a lovable cocker spaniel (who is named after one of the novel’s characters) is now the acting publisher of Subversify Magazine.  Editor-in-Chief Fetrow states that regular viewers of the magazine probably won’t notice a difference.  “I would be lying if I said that Mitchell’s role as of late consisted of anything more than whimpering, scratching himself and wagging his tongue at us in a very undignified manner.  He also took a liking to barking and howling whenever his views were not shared amongst the staff.  I think that Tashi is a perfect stand-in for Mitchell while he takes time off.  Both sentient life forms share the view that dog life is sacred and that the essence of dog is somehow divine and yet revitalizing to the morally eroded conscience of the lower 48.  However, I actually feel that Tashi is far more balanced than Mitchell when it comes to accepting and processing the human perspective.”

“I always said Mitchell was a bitch,” adds Grainne.  “I just had no idea how far he took his method acting.  On behalf of all of us at the Subversify staff, I say…sit!  Stay!  Good boy.”

For now, Subversify Magazine continues under new management and without any perceivable pro-canine or anti-human agenda.  Subversify Magazine may employ a canine publisher, but that doesn’t mean subversive activity around the world has gone to the dogs.  []

“By what right has the dog come to be regarded as a ‘noble’ animal?  The more brutal and cruel and unjust you are to him the more your fawning and adoring slave he becomes; whereas, if you shamefully misuse a cat once she will always maintain a dignified reserve toward you afterward.  You will never get her full confidence again.” -Mark Twain

“I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive.” -Gilda Radner

“I think we are drawn to dogs because they are the uninhibited creatures we might be if we weren’t certain we knew better.” -George Bird Evans

“Woof.  Woof Woof.  Woof woof woof!” -Ancient Dog Proverb