Merry Christmas from The Late Mitchell Warren!
Hello all of you mad Christmas shoppers. Before you beat me to death with a shovel so you can get your grubby hands on that demonic Pleo dinosaur, allow me to give you a very special Christmas greeting. As you know, December 25th marks Christmas Day, otherwise known as Christmastide, otherwise known as Let’s Mock the Death of Christ So We Can Stuff Ourselves Full of Turkey and Eggnog and Buy Our Little Bitchy Cousins the Goddamn Hannah Montana Malibu Beach House-Day. Now far be it from me to be a Grinch, although I can’t say there has ever been a decent movie about Christmas ever made. (Yes Miracle on 34th Street and It’s a Wonderful Life put me to sleep)
What is it about Christmas that we nihilists hate? Is it the fact that Jesus Christ was not actually born anywhere near December, hence the entire concept of Christmas is a sham? No, most historians believe the mystery date of birth of Jesus (estimated to be between the year 7 and 2 B.C.) would have happened much earlier than the month of December. The climate in Israel has been consistent for the last 2,000 years, and today the temperature in Bethlehem remains on average 44 degree Fahrenheit, and very often below freezing level during the night.
Snow-bound weekends are common for Jerusalem and Bethlehem in the months of December and January, and often result in roads becoming unusable and people staying inside their homes. However, bible readers may remember that Luke 2:8, reiterating the birth of Jesus, reads “Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night.” This would be highly unlikely if temperatures were dipping around or below 40 degrees. Furthermore, the practice of shepherds keeping their flocks in the field usually commenced in warmer months, from April to October. In cold and rainy months, shepherds took their flocks back home and sheltered them. (Cuz you know those biblical guys just loved animals)
Now how about all of you bastards in baskets out there who claim that we have no idea what the weather was like back in biblical times? Well, no we weren’t there exactly, but we take these things by faith. Besides, in The Interpreter’s Dictionary of the Bible, R.B.Y. Scott) it states “weather phenomena and climatic conditions as pictured in the Bible correspond with conditions as observed today.”
Now don’t get your $100 silk panties in a knot just yet. We’re not implying that the December 25th date of Christ’s birth came from somewhere. Why yes, it is a date that can be traced back to 330 A.D. as a practice favored by Roman Christians. You know, the same Romans who murdered Jesus and later started worshiping him. Scholars believe that the link came as the result of the Romans attempting to combine the winter solstice and the Roman festival of Saturnalia into one big Christian-themed orgy.
Say what you will about the Romans and their ability to throw some rocking orgy parties, isn’t it true that Christmas isn’t about dates or ancient religious practices, but about more inspirational things? Like Jesus? Er well, no, not Jesus since he was born sometime earlier in the year, ironically, probably near Halloween. So historically speaking, Christmas has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus besides ancient Roman materialism. No wait, Christmas isn’t about Jesus. Christmas is about love. The love of family and the love of giving.
Yeah right! You’re talking about one of the fixtures of American capitalism. What better way to commemorate the greed of America than to kidnap a bogus religious holiday and stamp Hallmark cards and Baby Jesus memorabilia all over it? Economists say that Christmas in America is worth well over four billion dollars in deadweight loss (a loss of economic efficiency). There is a ridiculous amount of pressure for Americans to spend money they don’t have just to satisfy the lust of amoral credit card companies. Well wait a minute, we’re trying to build our economy back up, right? Isn’t it patriotic to go broke this season just to do our part to heal the recession? Sure it is! This isn’t corporate brainwashing at all…maybe after we empty out our savings account this season we can go out and vote!
Wrong, You Obama-heads! The merchants of America have been running this ploy for centuries. And if you buy Christmas gifts for your sniveling little children then you are celebrating the capitalism and hypocrisy of this great nation of ours. You are blaspheming against Jesus Christ, since any moron knows that it wasn’t really the Messiah’s birthday and that it’s a fictitious holiday introduced by Roman Christ-killers.
Hey, if a bunch of Mitch-heads (ordained followers of the Late Mitchell Warren) decided to celebrate my birthday but did it in March instead of July and didn’t bother writing me, buying me presents or sending me any good wishes, I would fucking kill them. Don’t use my name as an excuse to drench yourself in seminal fluids of your own self-indulgence! And I’m just a humble man. Imagine how pissed Jesus Christ, the Son of God, would be.
Lastly, if you celebrate Christmas then you are doing your part to rape the earth of its natural resources and contribute towards a Republican-sponsored global catastrophe. “What are you talking about, Mitchell? I’m just buying my retarded kids that walking talking demon dinosaur called Pleo! What do I know about global warming?”
You see all of the excess packaging that Christmas constitutes, along with the shitty gifts that you say you love but secretly hate, and all those discarded Wal-Mart paper sacks, do their worst to continue littering the planet. Gifts are made at soulless factories and require giant colossal resources, which slowly but surely microwave the earth with a frosty donut smell. Finite and diminishing natural resources like metal, plastic and wood are required to make these awful Christmas gifts. Cheap plastic (the kind of disposable plastic you so lovingly buy for your children) especially requires high amounts of oil. More energy is wasted and more pollutants fly as people transport these cheap gifts to sweatshops. More trees are cut down not only for Christmas paper lists and stupid greeting cards but also for those incredibly tacky Christmas trees that you simply must put up every single year. Last but not least, all you Christmas-loving Vegans out there can officially freak out: Christmastime results in intensive food production, including the slaughtering of wildlife and the increase in pesticide. How much of this Santa-spawn rubbish will be recycled? Barely 25% of it and the rest of it will be incinerated or dumped in landfill. The more presents you buy the more crap you stuff inside the earth. Looks like someone hasn’t been a good boy, Santa! “Oh well…still more presents for everybody! Ho ho ho!”
Wait a minute, wait a minute. I know I’m leaving someone out here. Ah yes, you religious puritans out there. Well, get your dicks out of that little boy and listen up: did you know the first official Christmas controversy happened way back in the days of the English Interregnum? Puritan Parliament sought to remove the “pagan elements” of Christmas and for a time actually banned Christmas entirely, considering it Roman holiday devoid of any biblical precedent. Even Protestants believed that Christians borrowed from pagan practices, including popular decorations like candles, mistletoe and Christmas trees. Er, come to think of it didn’t Jeremiah 10:3-4 actually say “For the customs of the peoples are false: a tree from the forest is cut down, and worked with an ax by the hands of an artisan. People deck it with silver and gold they fasten it with hammer and nails so that it cannot move”?
But wait! “It’s not about the Christmas greed, you old Scrooge!” (You see, I’m way ahead of you stocking stuffing nannies out there) “It’s about the Christmas spirit!” Yes, the Christmas spirit was clearly on display on Friday, November 28th, 2008 in a Long Island Wal-Mart. On that Black Friday a temp worker named Jdimytai Damour was trampled to death by some 2,000 crazed holiday shoppers looking for a bargain. Who was to blame? Was it the many shoppers who couldn’t contain their Christmas-inspired exuberance? Was it the media who sensationalized Black Friday and Christmas 2008 like professional pornographers? Or was it Wal-Mart who was so excited about raking in the profits for the holiday season, they just forgot about taking extra security measures? Whosever fault it was, that temp worker’s widow wishes you a Merry Christmas, you bunch of assholes.
In closing, what is the big deal? Just because Christmas celebrates the mindless commercialism of American culture, the brutal slaying of nature’s gifts and the lie of Christ’s birth, isn’t it the thought that really counts? Yes, we need one day out of the year to show our family how much we love them. We need at least one day of the year to see those annoying extended family members that we really never see, and sort of wish were dead.
No, seriously, for me Christmas is about the children. I want the future Mitchell Jr. to be comfortable approaching a fat bearded stranger, sit on his lap and tell him what he wants but what his daddy can’t afford. Santa will reply with his exuberant ho ho ho, “Junior, I’ll give you whatever you want if you be a good boy and do what Santa tells you to do!”
Mitchell Jr: Santa? What is that under my butt? It feels hard and pokey.
Santa Claus: HO HO HO! That just means Santa is happy to see you!
Mitchell Jr: Oh…uh okay. I don’t know if I should wish for anything, Santa. The economy is a wreck and I don’t want to contribute to the recession. Besides, my daddy can’t afford to blow three paychecks buying the whole family gifts.
Santa Claus: HO HO HO! I am Santa Claus and I say the economy will turn around! For now, you should just tell me what you want and I will give it to you…that is, if you’ve been a good little boy!
Mitchell Jr: Well, I guess I have…
Santa Claus: And even if you have been a naughty little boy, you can still make Santa very happy by kissing his red-nosed reindeer! HO HO HO!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
Mitchell Jr: (Scared) We don’t have a chimney you know!!