Suicide May be Painless, but Country Music Isn’t

A.B. Thomas

Recently while watching Spike Tv’s “Manswers”, a show that answers those burning questions that all men really have as opposed to the ones we proclaim to have, such as ‘what is the meaning of life’ or ‘how can I make the woman of my dreams happy” to distract women from discovering that deep down each man is in fact a pervert – I would have said a pig but due a lawsuit by the Liberal left wing group, Future Pork Cutlets of America, for defamation of character I will refrain from such putting myself in a position for legal entanglements that would see me further being charged with assaulting the plaintiffs with barbeque and hot sauce. “Manswers” tackles the hard hitting subjects such as “Who are you more likely to pick up in a bar:A straight chick, a bi-sexual chick or a lesbian?” (The answer, for those who need to know, are bi-sexual chicks; they are far more likely to take risks and experiment than straight chicks. I’m not entirely sure why any guy would think that they would have a chance at a lesbian, unless of course they have mastered the talent of ‘tuck and walking cross legged’ and an estrogen imbalance causing the inflation of nibble mounds to jaw breakers and an eerie mimicry of Shania Twain while performing karoke but then again there are people out there that believe that guys that date underage girls should be locked away and castrated while thinking that Miley Cyrus and her twenty year old boyfriend make a cute couple).The particular ‘manswer’ that interested me was to the question “what type of music most influences suicides?” – country music was the number one choice of those who successfully committed suicide.

I’m the type of guy that goes out of his way to help a person in their time of need; especially if there’s a chance that I may make a buck doing so. I have always seen myself as the “Sam Beckett” type – “helping one person put right what once went wrong” – small potatoes, it was time to hit the big time with my philanthropic endeavors. This manswer gave me the opportunity to help a larger segment of the population: I could be the guy to give that person wanting to commit suicide that extra push they needed, I could be that match to light the gas under their noses, I could be the ammo in their shotgun of resolve; I could make a killing both fiscally and indirectly in a socially acceptable way. So I, A.B. Thomas, benevolent soul of the nth dimension of anti-Euro Foo Foo brigade, cut his first country CD. I knew that to make the music to slit one’s wrists by wasn’t enough, I needed to make a video to promote that music.

A good video is essential to creating a sensation in this modern age of sophisticated listeners of music. The country video, in particular, after watching a whole two songs on CMT for research purposes before having an uncontrollable urge to whisper sweet nothings into those sexy ears of a llama, needs to have two things to be successful: a heart wrenching, deep story with dialogue at the beginning and middle parts just so the viewers can realize that it is indeed a different song and artist than the video previous, and a teddy bear image, as opposed to the one I have which does not make women want to put their arms around me and squeeze, but pull out the can of “Bear Away”. This is especially true with male balladeers, they must have that winsome, vulnerable sincere look to them, the look of they could spend the morning hog tying a heifer and milking her, then go outside to do chores – to give the female viewers the fantasies of having them right beside them, to grind even further the singer’s already broken heart into the dirt with their heels, unlike the self absorbed worthless sons of a bitches sitting next to them sipping beer, farting and crunching on Dortitos wondering if there is any truth to the rumor that Taylor Swifts cleavage is used in a Vegas hypnotist’s show to make the men in the audience clap like seals. With this information in mind, I came up with the storyboard that catapult me into the country music stardom stratosphere:

“I misunderstood: The Bald Tabby Hymn”

First scene.

Wide shot of a farm. Camera zooms onto the farm house and through an open window where there are three cowgirls sitting around having coffee. They are giggling. The laughter settles down.

Girl 1: you know, I’m sort of feeling the itch – I think I’ll invite A.B up to mah room tonight (Girl’s 2 and 3 mouths drop and are motionless with coffee mugs almost to mouths)

Girl 2: sure you want to do that?

Girl 3: Yeah, don’t you remember the last time you tried that? Ol’ Blue still hasn’t recovered (quick shot to a hound dog with wild eyes looking at the door with its hind quarters tucked under the couch then back to women)

Girl 1: (gives a little pout) This time I’m not going to tell him watch I wanna do – I’ll let him watch first. (Gives a little wink) And see if he gets the message. (Girls 2 and 3 look at each other questionally)

Girl 2: (in a conspirtory voice) What you have in mind?

Girl 1: (Giggles) Uhm, let’s just say the lilacs aren’t the only thing that need trimming….

Girl 3: (snorts) well, if you’re sure. I think the slop was poured just a few minutes ago…

Girl 1: (rises from the table) Well, it looks like I better rustle me up a sausage then. (Leaves room through door, dog yelps at sound of the door opening. Girls 2 and 3 look at each other and shake their heads)

Second scene

Close up shot of girl walking towards a wood planked pen, camera zooms out to reveal a pig pen. She gets to the fence and shouts into the pen “Hey A.B., can I talk to you for a sec?” Camera pans over to where there are a bunch of mud caked pigs at a trough gorging themselves on slop. Close up to the far left one is that of a human ass covered in mud. A.B. sticks a slop crusted cowboy hated head up from trough, a half eaten chicken wing in his mouth and nods. A.B. gets up, camera follows from waist up as he walks over to the fence and Girl 1. Camera settles on a wide angle shot of the girl, A.B. and the fence.

A.B.: (Turns and points to off camera left) Reggie! I call that them there apple core! (Turns to girl) Howdy! (gives tip of the hat to Girl 1, a piece of brown lettuce falls off)

Girl 1: (Gives a slight shutter and says in an aside to the camera) Hard to believe I spent two years at Agricultural college in Olds to be reduced to this, ain’t it folks? (turns back to A.B.) Enjoying yourself, A.B.?

A.B.: Yes ma’am! What can I do you for?

Girl 1: (Gives a little smile) Well…(camera pans back as girl 1 leans over to whisper in A.B.’s ear over the fence – the shot stops at a full body shot of a very mud caked back shot. Girl pulls back and says “And after that, I want you to…” giggles then leans back over to A.B.’s ear. A sound of cracking wood rings out as girl 1 pulls pack from A.B.’s ear)

Girl 1: (camera shot of girl’s face) That sound like a plan to you?

A.B.: ( camera shot of his face as A.B. is nodding his head furiously)

Girl 1: (camera shot of girl’s face) Then see you in a couple of hours when I get back from town then.

(Camera pans back as girl turns and walks away. A.B. looks as if he’s trying to move too, but all that can be seen is the wood plank that is groin level moving back and forth with the movements of his hips)

A.B.: (in a resigned tone) I hate when this happens….

(Music begins as it scene fades)

Third Scene

Scene cuts to a dark room where there is nothing that can be seen except for A.B sitting on a stool, head hung down – a spotlight hanging from above. The Camera is at mid level. A.B. raises his head into the camera; the cowboy hat’s shadow masks the majority of his face as he begins to sing:

It was one of those hot summer nights
Nestlin’ together in front of the bug zapper lights
I didn’t know if I had goosebumps from you
Or all the mosquito bites.
You turned to me with your sexy welted face
And whispered softly ‘I gotta go for another case
And when I get back
Do something with me to make our hearts a race.”
“I don’t want you to be so wussy
I want you to shave my pussy”
Oh baby, I didn’t know your lips were so loose –y!

(Camera shot fades music lowers allowing for dialogue)

Four scene:

Panoramic crane view of the farm yard, the camera drops down to ground level behind and follows a still muddy and naked A.B. walking towards a barn with a piece of five foot piece wood planking in front of him bobbing with his foot steps. A.B. walks into the barn and to the nearest stall. The Camera refocuses at the top left side where you see the side of A.B. and partially inside the stall. There is a big guy in overalls with a bucket held between his legs and is bending his head underneath the body of a bovine. There are a couple of sucking sounds, then the man’s head pops up from underneath and spits into the bucket. A.B. nods, L.B. nods back.

A.B.: Milking machine busted again?

L.B.: Yep and I done plum forgot to use some lotion last night so I’ve got a mighty case of friction burn on my hands…but when there’s milking to be done, there’s always a way..(sticks head under again. Sucking noises, then back up again and spits in the bucket) L.B.’s eyes look down and then back up again) Standing too close to the fence again, weren’t ya.

A.B.: yep…..

L.B.: (comes back and spits in bucket again) So think about Jack Layton’s economic policies, that should do the trick…(bends back down two seconds later the sound of wood hitting a concrete floor occurs – L.B. spits in bucket again) What else is up.

A.B.: (Smiling broadly) I’ve been invited up to the house tonight – I’m going to watch MayBell give her cat a hair cut then she’s going to let me play with it! I’ve always wanted to see if it’s easier to juggle a cat without all that fur moving around!

L.B: (Frowning) Gosh darn it, man, shearin’ is man’s work – I tell you what you should do – you should surprise her and go up there now and do it for her…That’s sure enough be impressive that she might let you into her bed (L.B. gives a wink. There’s the sound of something hit metal – L.B. shakes his head) Thank the lord for metal gates, eh?

A.B.: (in a very harsh voice and grimacing) Yep…by the way, you did know this was a bull, right?

L.B.: (camera pans back to reveal head of a horned bull looking lovingly at the back of L.B.’s head. L.B. scratches his head while saying) I wondered where the other three teets were…

(scene fade and music comes to forefront again)

fifth scene:

(There’s a dramatic flare of fireworks in behind A.B as the lights come up to reveal the eyes almost on the verge of tears, bottom lip trembling and a multitude of cat scratches. He stands off the stool as he continues to sing, moving his head back and forth as if there are wasps stinging the insides of his cheeks as heaps of cat hair drift down from the ceiling like a snow storm)

(Chorus)
Here kitty kitty
Gonna shave you real nice
cuz that way I’ll get to touch some titty –
I thought everything would be all well
man, did my ego swell
but all she told me
was “You can just go to hell”.
But I misunderstood….
Now you ain’t gonna polish my wood.
Oh you could have said your pubic hair
Oh you could have pointed down there
Oh you could have been blunt
Baby, you really should have said your cunt

(Fireworks, cat hair and lights go out) music lowers again

Sixth scene

Scene begins with the image of girl 1 walking into the kitchen of the farm house. Girl goes up the stairs as the camera follows behind her. She reaches the top of the stairs. The shot from between her legs is that of A.B. sitting in a chair beside a frilly looking bed smiling.

Girl 1: Hey baby, I hope you’re ready!

Music moves back to forefront

Seventh Scene:

(Camera is back to original postion of the darkened room with the single spot light. A.B is standing beside the stool, hand resting heavily on the stool as if to signify that the pain is so immense that he can’t hold himself up. Best tell A.B. to think of the time he didn’t make it to the bartender to put in his last call order before it shut down for the night in order to get the right emotional context. Around the legs of the stool are a multitude of bald cats milling about)

You left for your beer run while I sipped on my Listerine
Hallucinating the sights that should never be seen
Honey, what I’m trying to say
My mind wasn’t so keen
Before you left you put the razor where I sat
And from the barn came trotting the cat
I wanted to show you that I was a manly man
So I stunned the fucker with a baseball bat.
Oh baby! It let out such a yowl
Oh baby! As I wrapped its claws in a towel
Oh sugar – I didn’t even know animals could scowl.

Chorus set up the same as previous, fireworks, cat hair storm, haunted, hurt look, perhaps A.B. could do the scrunchy leg move – slightly bending of the knees so that it could be interpretted as digging down deep emotionally or being constipated yet still feeling the urge to push out of sheer pressure then as last syllable is sang, music drops back into back ground)

Eighth scene:

Girl 1: (runs over to A.B and leans down) Oh my god! Are you alright?

A.B.: (smiles excitedly) Baby, have I got a surprise for you – I know that you wanted me to watch but –(camera cuts to a very pink bald cat quivering underneath the bed with terror in its eyes, then back to side view)

Girl 1: (a devilish glint takes over the concern in her eyes) Well, as long as you’re all right….

(girl stands up, camera angle goes to far shot of between her legs so that in the frame is A.B. sitting in the chair) If you think you’re man enough to do it…
(A.B. nods with a smile that turns to bewilderment as he is handed a pair of hedge clippers) Ready to shave?

A.B: But that’s what I’m trying to tell you, baby I already – (camera view is skewed momentarily was jeans fall from girl’s waist. From the angle, all that can be seen is A.B being hit by a dark curly mass that has massive recoil force after being contained within the jeans; A.B is sent flying backwards with the chair.

Camera cuts to side to show tipped chair and bed. As A.B. tries to pick himself from the tipped over chair, the cat woefully wonders out, mewing pitifully. Camera shot now goes to close up of the girl’s face)

Girl 1: (tears bursting from eyes in horror) Mr. Snow! Oh no, Mr. Snow!

(She turns to face A.B. – Camera changes to side shot again where a thick black hairy mass hits A.B.’s half erect side and sends him flying into the wall just left of the camera sight.) Music moves to forefront again.

Ninth scene

(Camera pulls back as A.B gets off the stool and begins to hold his fists tight in front of him, singing up the ceiling from the tortured memories that haunt him)

You came back walking to the porch but then made a beeline
Towards the caterwauling feline
I couldn’t figure out why you’d be so angry, screamin’
Or the fist to face that required my nose to be re-ali-gn
Why’d you say that I was insane?
Wasn’t that what the goal you sought to obtain?
And why did you kick me so hard
That my nuts will never be normal size again?

(A.B. wades through the thigh high cat hair forward into the camera until he takes up the entire lens as there are sounds of cats getting their tails stepped on)

Last scene:

Wide shot of a downtrodden A.B. walking through a row of round hay bales in a field, the sun is just setting. The final chorus reprise is playing.
Pan down to the left at the front hay bale – the hairless cat is looks to see A.B coming, steps back, gets on its hind legs.
Camera close up of the cat’s face. It turns to camera, gives a little evil grin and then the right paw comes up and makes a ‘shushing’ gesture. It turns its head back sideways and just left of center it brings up it’s other paw with an open straight razor in it.

Last chord of guitar strums and both music and image fade….

Afterward

In my video story board I portrayed the cowgirl causing damage when she took off her jeans. The local chapter of O.U.C.H. (Overly Unrestricted Curly Hairs) has informed me that thick pubic hair is no laughing matter and many people affected with this genetic condition do require years of therapy to get over the trauma and guilt associated with it even though it is no fault of their own.

I apologize sincerely for my utter disregard for this segment of society’s affliction, I just can’t imagine how painful the memory of being young and in love with a person who was not only foot shorter but also wearing braces and trying to 69 for the first time….I guess an apology is also owed to the mother of such a teenager – I can’t imagine the shock of sitting on your couch, happily watching television while your daughter and her boyfriend are quietly studying upstairs when your world is crushed by that fateful call down the stairs, “Mom! Help! Bring scisssors!”

I have also been instructed to sincerely apologize to PETA for what they labeled as ‘abuse’ to the animals in the video. I will not do so as there is no evidence of any kind of abuse whatsoever. The bull was hardly traumatized; just the opposite, he and L.B. had a lovely little civil ceremony just last week. Mr. Snow has already made a mint from his pay to enter website, “Shaved Pussy” due to the overwhelming laziness on horny college students who are far far too reliant on “Google” for their porn needs.

I should apologize to all the country music fans for defiling their particular brand of musical entertainment, but I’m not going to. If “Manswers” is at accurate I do not need to worry about any lawsuits as the majority of those who would take offense at this would be long dead before the case would ever come to trial.