So You Think Easter is an Innocent Holiday

By Space Eagle

According to World Nut Daily, Easter is a pagan ritual that will make you burn in hell. In fact, according to the author, even mentioning the name Easter is a sin worthy of death. In fact, the author, making a valiant attempt to save us from the evils of Easter puts his own salvation at risk by mentioning Easter 24 times. This brave and valiant writer also goes on to mention other fertility gods and goddesses which have names that sounds similar to the name “Easter” such as Ishtar, Astarte, Ostara, Eostre and Eastre. By taking this risk to save our souls, he shortly came under the spell of the evil, Satanic gods and goddesses and started mentioning probing, an obvious sexual reference! Probing pagans! It is sad to see such a fine man of faith being overcome by the sinful, lustful thought inflicted upon him by a Satan himself, but we must recognize the valiant effort he made in bringing us this important story.

In this brave article, the author, obviously realizing the sacrifices he was making, pointed out his own destiny for bringing us this story. He quotes the following verses to show us the horrible sacrifices he was making so that we do not fall to the same evil fate that me must befall for bringing us the story:

“Make no mention of the name of other gods, neither let it be heard out of thy mouth.” (Exodus 23:13) “
“And they forsook the LORD, and served Baal and Ashtaroth (Easter).” (Judges 2:13)

“And they cried unto the LORD, and said, We have sinned, because we have forsaken the LORD, and have served Baalim and Ashtaroth (Easter)” (1 Samuel 12:10)

By mentioning these pagan gods, the author was forced to break God’s mighty commandments and has put himself in jeopardy of hell himself. We must all pray for his soul and ask God to forgive him for his transgressions that were done in our interest.

It is abundantly clear that Easter is a holiday whose name should never cross our lips. To do so may bring a thunderbolt down from the sky and destroy us! We might be pelted by fire and brimstone from the heavens and destroyed by the wrath of God as in Sodom and Gomorrah! Even worse… we might turn GAY.. or even BLACK!

WHAT? You had a Cadbury Easter egg???? How DARE you! You will ROT IN HELL! Cadbury supports pagan gods and rituals. The original Cadbury Milk Chocolate was prepared to a recipe of Sir Hans Sloane who traveled in South America! Chocolate and cocoa are linked to the Mayan and Aztec god Quetzalcoatl. They are made in the shape of an EGG. Eggs are a pagan sign of fertility. Even more horrific, they are delivered by a bunny on Easter! Rabbits are another fertility sign! They are even used on the cover of Playboy as a sign of fertility in their lustful, sinful display of naked women! You are giving into an evil, sexual, lustful practice! It’s even worse than eating chocolate in the shape of a bunny! Repent while there is still time! Ask the Lord to forgive you and send in a large donation to my address.

Inspiration:

“The nonexistent, evil chick called Easter” – World Net Daily

17 Comments on “So You Think Easter is an Innocent Holiday”

  1. Smart one. I’ve always thought Christians who celebrate Easter were such hypocrites. We really are a mindless nation when it comes to keeping up strange customs.

  2. Personally, i rather like heralding in spring, but i never denied there was something very pagan about me. I find it just a little ironic that the Bible does say to make a joyful noise, but Christianity prefers to remove the joyfulness. I also happen to love Cadbury eggs and Cadbury chocolate in general. Don’t imagine for a minute you can shame me out of it.

  3. I think it’s unfair to say all of Christianity prefers to remove joyfulness in life. Maybe a certain type of right-wing Christian. I can agree that it’s silly to be joyful about a celebration based on a lie, or worse yet, based on a principle that goes against your entire belief system. Christians should acknowledge that Easter is not a Christian holiday and move on.

  4. Maybe Christians should just acknowledge that they do indeed love a party, and as such have co-opted every single pagan party in existance. Things would run smoother then I think. Pagans would get the recognition they so richly deserve and Christians could go back to sucking chocolate heads off of bunnies. Then they could all mosey on over to the Maypole and dance before performing fertility rites which after all, are veryvery important to everyone.

  5. Well Mitch, you know the only way the powers of Rome were able to entice pagans to become Christian in the first place was by allowing them their holidays. Seriously, how many do you think would have converted if they had been told, “by becoming Christians, you’re not going to have any fun. No more May Pole dances, no more decorating trees, and especially no more cuddling of bunnies and chicks. Your job isn’t to be fertile, just to have babies, preferably without sex.” You can put Christianity into the pagan but you can’t take the pagan out.

  6. I wouldn’t judge all Christianity by the behavior of prominent Catholics and Protestants. There are a lot of subcategories of Christians that are capable of enjoying life and {gasp} sex. I just don’t quite understand why people think of Christmas trees and Easter Bunnies as the pinnacle of human happiness? But yes, I agree that most Christians today are Pagans and just don’t realize it.

  7. As far as I’m concerned this whole “holiday” is just an excuse to eat a chocolate rabbit – while I’m well aware of its true origins, I could seriously care less about anything concerning that day not related to candy.

  8. What’s more fun, going to church or climbing to the top of a high ridge to look our over an ocean and wonder at the magnificence of its creator? What’s more fun, shaming the people who dance in the streets, or being part of the dance? If Christians were having fun, they wouldn’t be so anxious to take other people’s fun away from them.

  9. Well, as long as we’re generalizing, we can also say pagans are too busy sacrificing babies and engaging in group sex to really enjoy the subtle joys of Easter.

  10. Ugh, Mitch. Sacrificing babies isn’t fun! That’s as mean, cruel and barbaric as forcing people to work in mines dug into the flanks of an active volcano. Those are Christians who want to do that too, just ask Sarah Palin.

    As far as group sex is concerned, i don’t think that’s limited to any particular religion. You’re either going to do it, or you ain’t. If you are, you might be trying to find ways to justify it or cover it up, but if you’re doing it with more than one, you’re a groupie.

  11. Pagans don’t sacrifice babies, demon practioners of the dark arts do…And sex Magick can be confined to one couple…and usually is. We need an info-article apparently.

  12. [quote=grainnerhuad]Pagans don’t sacrifice babies, demon practitioners of the dark arts do[/quote]

    A couple things…

    1. Actually, a number of ancient Pagan cults have practiced human sacrifice – including children. This practice was particularly common among the worshipers of Ba’al (mainly from Carthage and the Phoenician city states). Granted, such practices are all but nonexistent in modern Pagan covens but the fact remains that it is part of their history.

    2. Most forms of demon worship are not real religions (although a handful are), but rather inventions of the Christian churches for the purpose of creating an atmosphere of dread that the religious establishment could exploit for the purpose of flushing out non-conformist elements of society – labeling some one a “demon affiliate” gives the social mainstream an excuse to persecute people that won’t conform to what society wants them to do.

  13. Look Christopher DO NOT RUIN MY GIG!!! I am literally the Demon of Death..look it up, I also enjoy eating corpses and rum toddys and walks on the undersides of bridges. Spring is my favorite time, I like eating babies the way you like eating say…spring peas.
    I really do not relish the idea of having to teach you a demonic lesson, I am simply too damn busy. So please do not discourage my worshipers from their job…to keep me happy in the spring time and change up my diet. Do you know how tiresome it is to eat the corpse flesh of fat heart attack victims and army recruits??? I need the variety.

  14. I’m going to coat-tail on what “Very Evolved” said… The way you connect to your audience is… Know who you are writing to. You need to pick a Target Audience and stick to them. You wouldn’t write to an audience of 14yr olds the same way you would write to an audience of 60yr olds.

  15. Hey, I just wanted to start by praoclaiming that the contribution at this point is simply amazing. It is my opinion everyone does a fine job here and i would like to make that known. Perhaps you have severely considered blogging for money?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.