Exchanging Violation Rights for Porn

By Sergio Impleton

My wife is taking karate classes.  I really thought she was perfectly fit after a three year gymnasium program that included aerobics, weight lifting, basketball, swimming, saunas and a tidy little membership fee of seventy-five dollars a month.  According to her, I’ve saved money, as otherwise the funds could be going to doctor bills.  In the entire time we were married, I remember her going to the doctors twice; both times to have babies.  Since her physical fitness program, she has gone three times more; once for a sprained ankle, which she twisted  determinedly in making that last basket, winning the game for her team, the Hillside Grizzly’s.  The second time she wrenched her shoulder when she threw a twenty pound bar bell at a man who suggested women should spend more time in the kitchen.   Fortunately, her accuracy with barbells is not quite as good as her ability to throw basketballs or I would have been paying two doctor bills.  The third time, I’m ashamed to say, happened when her voracious team had just won the Combined Hazelwood and Monroe District Demolition Derby, which is an organized effort to drag women everywhere out of their houses and turn them into Zena sized aggravated assault weapons.  They got into a towel slapping contest while they were all taking a sauna together and she slipped on the floor, bruising her hip and once again injuring her ankle.

My wife was born practically indestructible.  Her three hundred pound mother could yank a sailor right up out of his  boat by the roots of his hair and slap out every fishing lie he ever told.  Marrying into her family was at once the bravest and most tactical maneuver a one hundred thirty-five pound, first year teacher could do.  Although it meant sacrificing all illusions that Alpha reigned supreme, within my own paltry existence, at least, I had Home Front Security as back-up.

You might wonder why a woman who already had a fortress behind her and the swing of a kick box champion would need to add karate to her fields of expertise.  I blame a blog site I innocently stumbled on called, “Sir John Bull”.  I wouldn’t have lingered there, but as he talked about that terrible conspiracy of women known as feminazi’s, I realized he was talking about my wife.  I trembled.  Delicious tingles went up and down my spine.  Here was a man who dared to say we should catapult ourselves a thousand years into the past and designate all women with biceps over two inches to the Roman Coliseum.  Here were naughty thoughts beyond anything I had even dared to dream for fear the answering call of Motherhood would strike me dead.  While I was still boggling over the site that assured me only evil could befall the households that didn’t have their women as properly trained as guard dogs, and wondering how I would ever be able to wrestle my wife into surrendering control of what had been assumed a joint checking account,  she walked in on me and saw what I was reading.

I would have been better off viewing images of Amsterdam’s red light district.  “Do you know what I’d do if a man like that ever laid a finger on me?”  She asked.  I knew.  She would use that round head of an author for a basketball and drop him in the garbage disposal fifty yards away.  She told me anyway, while I patiently, rapidly and numerous times explained that I had only been searching for information on cattle breeding.

The entire conversation came around to the definition of forced entry.  If a man went to a party and waited around in the bathroom until all the guests were gone and the host sleeping, would the crimes he commits  also include forceful entry?  He didn’t break down any doors, but through the same secrecy used by someone who springs a lock with a credit card, he committed the same crimes.  By the same token, is someone who is lulled into believing she is secure, then pinned down through the sheer weight and force of her opponent allowed to claim forceful entry even though there are no damaged body parts?  This debate relieved me of any random guilty thoughts that strayed into my mind about letting Nick Ericksen, the object of her vindictive mood, know she had an Archille’s Ankle, plus gave me an avenue for a new sales pitch.

“You know,” I said.  “There are women who enjoy liberalizing their bodies.”

“My body is liberalized,” she responded quickly.  “I have a normal sex drive and my responses are quite adequate.”

Assuming she wasn’t talking about a partner I didn’t know about, I agreed.  After all, questioning the normalcy of a woman’s sex drive can only lead to a disastrous and detailed explanation concerning your tactics and prowess, and a pep talk on how they can be improved.  “But,” I insisted, “some women aren’t as normal as you.  They enjoy spreading their charms around a little, and consequently feel they should be paid for it.”

Before she could be allowed to go into a long lecture on conditioned exploitation, I continued.  “Consider this.  If women who choose to do so, were allowed to exhibit their bodies and gratify sexually frustrated men for a fee; without legal repercussions or social stigma;  think about how much pressure would be taken off, uh… normal women.”

She considered.  “I suppose it’s a better alternative than having Neanderthals clubbing women over the heads and dragging them through the streets,” she admitted.

At last I could play my angle.  “I was solicited recently by a pornographic site that claims all donations will be given to charity.”

“Pornographic?”  Her eyebrows hit her hairline.  The Woman’s Brigade of Decent Feminine Exposure was a key tone away from her fingertips.  “Charity,” I emphasized.

Her fingertips tapped worriedly on the table.  After all, it becomes difficult to question the ones who claim their motivations are for charity.  “That’s what the press release says,” I encouraged.

“Let me see the site.”  I did, filled with dread at her reactions.  Sure enough, the site does claim its proceeds will go to charity.  She allowed me a five second investigation into the page that listed the magazines offered, then declared that was enough.  She then child proofed the site, which has only been affective against allowing me access, but not our teenaged children whose computer skills must have been breathed into them the day the first sound image was taken and the doctor announced, “yep, it’s a boy.”

I felt I had won an enormous victory for free hearted women everywhere.  I exhaled a breath of pure joy.  That’s when she told me however, that she was going to take up karate.  Already feeling the dread inadequacy of being unable to drop a basket from three hundred yards while practicing a yoga one leg stand, I finally summoned the courage to ask why.  “The Hillside Grizzly’s have a mission.  We are going to hunt down bubble brains that molest women as an excuse to steal their handbags and drag them back to the Carlsbad Caverns where they belong.”

While I guiltily refrained from mentioning that the person who ignited her passion lived in England, I just as guiltily wondered once more if I should warn the world at large that she has an Archille’s Ankle.  I decided it wasn’t worth it.  The economy is tough.  Tolerance levels are low.  If worse comes to worse, I could always convince her to become my body guard for a bootleg tobacco and alcohol operation.

Under the marginal agreement of my wife’s consent to sponsor a pornographic page for the sole purpose of its possible rescue of unfortunate people everywhere, the link is provided below.  The fair and dainty gender have also informed me that the publication of this site does not necessarily express my views, and certainly not those of the magazine: That it is only being offered in the spirit of free choice and viewer discretion is advised.  Now that I’ve covered all the legal angles, I’ll have it made if I can just bribe my son into breaking the parental code.

Hassenfield Press Release:

World’s First Charity-Porn Site Launches and Raises over $1,000 in First Month, Including over $750 for Haiti

Los Angeles, CA – February 19, 2010 – With the motto “Saving the World with Porn”, Hassenfeld Holdings LLC has launched the world’s first charity-porn website, raising over $1,000 for charity in their first month, including over $750 for the relief effort in Haiti. The company will make a significant charitable donation for every adult website subscription purchased through their site, www.karmaporn.com. Visitors can read reviews of hundreds of adult sites, and can select which charitable cause they wish to donate to, from funding cancer research to fighting poverty. In addition, donations are completely anonymous, requiring no additional forms or personal information. Subscription prices on Karma Porn are the same or cheaper than on the adult sites themselves – donations are taken exclusively from referral fees paid by the adult sites, which are independent of subscription costs.

Within their first month of launching, Hassenfeld Holdings has raised over $1,000 dollars for charity from Karma Porn, including over $750 for the relief effort in Haiti, and they expect bigger donation totals in the months ahead. They are the first website to tap into the massive Internet porn revenue stream – estimated to be $4.9 billion dollars[1] – and use this money for charitable causes. In addition, their unique business model allows them to donate a significant amount to charity with each subscription (upwards of $20, depending on the referral deal arranged with each porn site) without affecting subscription prices or requiring any additional forms. Because donations are anonymous, Karma Porn does not keep any personal information about any visitor or subscriber to their site. They only record whether a sign-up was made to an adult site, and what charity that sign-up should be associated with. Receipts of all donations are posted on Karma Porn, so subscribers can see proof that their donations are getting to the charities they’ve selected.

Karma Porn is able to donate anonymously to charities using a number of novel techniques. They allow visitors on their site to select from a list of general charitable categories, instead of listing specific charities by name. This ensures that no specific charity appears to be affiliated with a porn-related site. Second, they send all donations anonymously though established, third-party donation websites, so no charity is intentionally receiving money from porn. Third, they censor indentifying transactional information on posted receipts, to prevent the possibility of retroactive cancellations. Finally, they ensure that every charity they donate to is rated three stars or higher on CharityNavigator.com, so that each subscriber’s donation is put to the best possible use for the cause they’ve selected. Since Karma Porn has an international customer base, donations are made to large, global charities with a multinational focus as opposed to local or regional charities whenever possible.

The idea of Karma Porn was developed out of a genuine desire to give back to society combined with the intent to create a very unique charity website. Research into the adult industry’s online business model provided the impetus and realization that a charity-porn website was possible. Most adult sites do not do their own advertising – they instead rely on a vast network of affiliates to advertise for them in complex, tiered referral programs. The affiliate is given a set payment for each subscriber they bring to the adult site. Because the online adult industry is so saturated with sites and content, affiliate marketing programs allow adult sites to reach massive target audiences for low costs, thereby staying afloat in a veritable ocean of online adult advertising. Karma Porn takes advantage of this model by diverting referral fees from porn advertisers to charities. Since referral fees are already built into adult site subscription plans, Karma Porn can make significant charitable donations without affecting subscription prices at all.

“Anyone planning to sign up for an adult site simply has to stop by Karma Porn first, and a large percentage of their subscription fee will be donated to the charity of their choice, instead of the pockets of the porn industry,” says Hassenfeld Holdings spokesperson Andrew Johnson. “Karma Porn is already raising money for reputable charities around the world, and we expect to raise even more money in the future. Adult pornography is both legal and taxable. If the Government can collect money from porn, this money can also be donated to charitable organizations that wish to provide food and shelter to the underprivileged, research for deadly diseases, or any of the other charitable causes that we support on our site. Karma Porn has created a way to make this process fast, easy, and anonymous, without adding a penny in costs. With billions of dollars in annual revenue in the online adult industry, we believe we can make a huge difference with Karma Porn.”

About Hassenfeld Holdings, LLC: Hassenfeld Holdings develops, promotes, owns and operates unique and creative websites which attempt to change the way people think, and make a noticeable improvement in the world through the services or features they provide. Their website, www.karmaporn.com, donates money to charities with each porn site subscription purchased via their site. In its first month of operation, Karma Porn has already raised over $1,000 for charity.

www.karmaporn.com.