Weedin’ Weather

By: Neonorth

Mae West once said, “I used to be Snow White, but I drifted”.  Her words could applied to Canada’s winter weather this year, as well.  There have been a few short bursts of chilling weather here and there but not the continuous deep freeze that happens.

It has been particularly playing havoc with the Winter Olympics being held in British Columbia.  There has been an absence of precipitation mixed with warm weather, along with the occasional rain shower that has impeded the illusion of winter in that province. They have had to fly in snow from higher elevations in order to have enough snow for the events held out on the two mountains.  To be fair though it must be pointed out that in Vancouver snow has always been a rarity, their idea of a blizzard is having a light dusting of snow that stays on their roads for longer than twenty minutes – a sure sign, according to most Vancouverites that the Rapture has thus begun.

Such is not the lot for those of us who live in the prairies where frigid weather is accepted as the norm for our winter.  In Alberta it is a tradition that the male of the species says “good-bye” to seeing his testicles from the middle of  October until the last week of May as they winter in Arizona with only a postcard from them every now or then with “Wish you were here – not!”  This year has been unsettling; Halloween night has always been cold with either snow on the ground or snowing.  This year Halloween was marked with rain showers.  For the past few months it has been warm with a few cold bouts then back to the warmer weather resulting in very low precipitation amounts.  Take the past week: Friday, the 12th of February we had a high of 0, the following Sunday the high was -7 but with a wind chill that took the temperature to -19 with snow.  Monday the wind was calm with a high of -2.  Thursday the 18th, the high was 2 and the projection for Saturday is set at 6. Our testicles are getting frequent flyer points galore this year.  The cause for this weather, of course, is global warming.

There have been a lot of things said about global warming, all of it bad for the most part.  But is it really something that is that dire or is it more of a monetary and political game being played at the expense of the average citizen of the world?  Who directs the thought process of it?  The media has played a large role in propagating global warming through their investigative reports and meteorologists.  Where do meteorologists get their information?  From scientists who whore themselves out to those who have the money to fund their research which comes from companies and government.  When it comes down to the fine thread of logic though, it is we, the public, who has to pay for the funding through taxes or through our consumerism.

Scientists need to provide food, shelter and the basics of a higher end quality of life for their families, hence they need funding.  Funding comes from creating enough public fear that the government throws money up and different think tanks and research facilities snatch it up.  The reasons scientists give for global warming are theories based on observations and historical records.  They base everything on the assumption that their resultant theories are infallible.  Theories, however, are unproven fact.  The fact is the polar caps are melting.  The theory is that pollution and the gases it creates are the major source which overplays the human factor over what could possibly be a natural cycle.

Scientists are notorious for their theories.  The theory of evolution states that something momentous happened, a great upheaval that turned Earth from a lifeless mass to having a climate with the capability of sustaining life.  Dinosaurs were wiped out by either a meteor that created climate change and wiped them out, or the climate change happened naturally.  Scientists theorize that there was a major climate change to create the ice age and then another one to reverse it.  The theories all deal with drastic climate changes, could what’s happening today be akin to it?  Could this be all one great big coincidence?  Could all the instruments and equations scientist use be utterly wrong or misleading?  Don’t know, couldn’t tell you.  However people working in this field have a tried and true way of dealing with proof that their theory du Jour is wrong.  It usually goes something like this: “Hmmm, didn’t think of that.” or “Ha ha, oops, my bad.”

Scientists are unable to comprehend the ““WDkN” (pronounced “wee-din”, short for “We don’t kNow”) factor into their equations.  WDkN somehow escapes from being inputted into the complicated theorems that are developed.   Scientists are the same people who say man descended from apes.  I think that is pure drivel.  We run ourselves into the ground, giving ourselves heart attacks, depression, and violence against others for no other reason than a brand name label.  Apes sit around scratching their asses, grooming and throwing feces when upset; which is the more highly evolved?   Hard to tell.  Besides, we are talking about the same group of people that I suspect, if it would increase funding from some bottled water company to them, would push for the warning label on condoms “Caution the use of the product may result in a sudden loss of fluid – drink “Weepy Water” to avoid this”.  This would lead some other white coated funded by a different company to push for a warning on “Weepy Water” that over-use of that product could result in frequent urination.

There’s not much I can say about the media.  The media gives us what we want; social outrage, panic, sadness; whatever emotion it needs to pull to get us to read, listen or watch them in order to make a buck.  If a politician can give a ten second sound bite that sounds alarmist,  it’s front page news.  If a scientist can give say something that doesn’t sound like, “Let me toss a coin in the air and pull something out of my ass.” the media runs with it. We the public created what the media issues out, so the media is only a reflection of what our entertainment values are at any given moment in time.

Reality check:  What made the front page?   A story about two “Survivor” contestants who had ‘relations’ before the latest television offering or someone holding the door open for a woman at the local grocery store?  If the latter was the headline, would you have even given it a glance?

This year the winter has not been a traditional Canadian winter.  In the spring the farmers will not be impressed with the lack of moisture for the crops, the Winter Olympics Committee will report that the games will cost the Canadian tax payers far more than they first estimated.  Next year the winter could be warmer or perhaps Mother Nature over the summer will get a hymenoplasty to return to her former frigidity.   It may be that scientists “Gasp!”  will announce that it isn’t the depletion of the ozone layer that is causing the Earth to warm but the Nazca tectonic plate has shifted a 32th of a degree allowing an escape of the molten core of the planet to vent out at an alarming rate, which needs to be immediately fixed by governments throwing billions of dollars into research to make a tube of Super Glue™ the size of Costa Rica or the planet is doomed.

Regardless of what happens, we in Alberta have a saying, “If you don’t like the weather wait five minutes.”  WDkN, baby, that’s all people need to say, WDkN.

4 Comments on “Weedin’ Weather”

  1. First, and foremost, a HUGE thank you for the belly laugh at your wonderful turn of phrase: “ In Alberta it is a tradition that the male of the species says “good-bye” to seeing his testicles from the middle of October until the last week of May as they winter in Arizona with only a postcard from them every now or then with “Wish you were here – not!”

    As to the more serious nature of your piece, I found myself agreeing with you all counts… except for your conclusion.

    Whether global warming is man-made or not; whether scientists are whores hell bent on feathering their own academic nest: These are moot points which we could argue ad nauseam. On a collective level, we already have to the point where this issue has become a big yawn for all but the die-hards.

    However, I think it’s a little too simplistic to simply relegate the phenomenon to the WDkN tray. There are far too many things we actually do know for this to be the case.

    We have raped and pillaged this planet without thought for the consequences and have reached a level where that can no longer be sustained. We can argue the point that global warming has been the result. What we can’t argue is that it’s happened.

    We need to reign in the demands we have placed on nature and seriously re-think the manner in which we interact with it. Global warming, for all its moot points, should at least alert us to the fact that we need to be more vigilant in how we source and distribute the limited resources of this planet and the environmental impact this sourcing has had. It may, or it may not, have resulted in global warming. However lumping the two together and simply stating that because we cannot prove one, the other doesn’t exist is living in denial.

  2. I also had to relish that particular turn of phrase, as i think can anyone who experiences extreme winters. There are times when the only way to turn a key in your car door, is to carry along a small blow torch to thaw out the lock.

    We’ve also enjoyed a very mild winter, as well as an extra long summer. Although it never got especially hot, there was less rainfall than normal and by October, there was no snow on the nearby mountain tops; something that disturbed us all greatly.

    Not that we mind the warmer weather; fuel costs are soaring this year; but it makes us acutely conscious of how rapidly things are changing. The question of energy is becoming far less crucial than the question of fresh water and food. The question of salt water invading our coastal cities and polluting fresh water rivers becomes more relevant than what caused global warming.

    Paper work is a favorite avenue of political enterprise to make sure nothing gets done. That bureaucratic system with its creaking wheels should have been dismantled a long time ago. It’s the glorious exercise of debate and martini rounds that keep them pumped. Returning barren fields to sustainable foods, repairing the infrastructure for sewage and clean water, removing pollutants and toxic wastes from rivers and streams and preserving the remaining wild life should be our first priorities. Maybe we are such believers, we are convinced we can evolve into energy man, needing only oil, diamonds and technology to stay alive? That takes about as much faith in science as in waiting for the Rapture.

  3. Freaking brilliant piece. Wonderful style of writing, and I thoroughly agree about scientists being whores, dummies and whatever else you rightfully call them. There’s only two sure things I agree with: we screwed the earth up and mankind’s smartest minds are a bunch of walking talking dicks that don’t know much of anything. Everything else is hearsay and recycled on the net via Digg This.

  4. Nice Work, I have long thought that scientists are silly whores. Too bad too many of them seem to focus on minutia instead of looking at the longitude of any given problem.

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