Comments on: Afeefa’s Story

By: karlsie

karlsie — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 20:44:42 +0000

It seems to me there are as many factors going on here as occurs with a typical repeat domestic violence victim. Those early childhood years do so much to the way a person learns to relate to others. The parental roles and sibling roles are the re-enforcement that create the understood response; the expected one. They grow up understanding the parameters of the roles and developing the skills to live within them, but not the skills to oppose them. In families where domestic abuse is an accepted condition, you will often find the parents non-supportive of the victim if the husband is being “a good provider”. The attitude is the woman must have done something wrong in order to receive punishment. In cultures where the woman is undermined, there is no true support system. The victim must either accept the cultural definitions of woman’s place or become an outcast. A painful choice; one that entails denying cultural heritage and familial considerations.

Living in a city with millions of other people doesn’t really make that much difference. Those millions are strangers with different habits, life styles and cultural distinctions. The instinct is to cling to the familiar with all its known rules. In order to change the circumstances of the victim, the environment of cultural distinctions must also change. The rules must change. Women must be seen as individuals, not objects to dominate. They must be acknowledged as assets to the home, not burdens. The women themselves must realize this and help each other up, not pull each other down.

By: Christopher

Christopher — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 04:45:42 +0000

[QUOTE=grainnerhuad] The question is how do we help people hold on to that important piece of themselves while making themselves important?[/QUOTE]

In social orders as represive as the one mentioned in the story I don’t even think this is possible – the individual is in a situation where he/she can have one but not the other. In such circumstances one must either repress one’s self or else destroy the part of his life that requires his/her repression (as the woman in your article attempted to do and died for it – it’s oddly reminicient of the parable of the tightrope walker in “Thus Spake Zarathustra”).

By: grainnerhuad

grainnerhuad — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 01:14:36 +0000

Thanks Christopher for clarifying. It is mindboggling to us how someone with seemingly so many choices stays in a situation that they technically don’t have to. However there has to be a way to get in and understand in order to help. It is also particularly sad that this individual was at a point where she had had enough and was going to leave all behind and lost her life because of it. It is stories like that that sometimes keep this cycle going, I think. But more than anything I think people want to belong to their family, culture and ethnicity of origin, they want to carve out a spot for themselves. It is for this reason you see witness protection families falling out of protective custody, you see gay Iranians who face hanging stay in Iran and try to hide a piece of themselves. The question is how do we help people hold on to that important piece of themselves while making themselves important?

By: Christopher

Christopher — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 22:52:55 +0000

[QUOTE=grainnerhuad]To understand the cultural differences that are right on our doorsteps seems sometimes beyond people’s vision, and to blame a woman for holding to the life she knows and holds dear, what is comfort to her is to miss the point entirely.[/QUOTE]

I’m not casting blame on anyone – I’m just perplexed that some one who has been exposed to alternatives to the traditional roles designated for them and still remain with their previously asigned stations in life.

[QUOTE=grainnerhuad]What stopped her from doing so it that small but important thing for so many, what we have been talking about for the last month. Faith. I know it is hard to fathom for many, but it is nevertheless an ingredient that binds and needs to be understood in order to help.[/QUOTE]

I see your point, but typically faiths that promote the subjigation of an entire gender on this level (ususally the females) do their best to insulate themselves from outside influences (ex. the Mormon Fundamentalists) to prevent members of that gender from being exposed to alternative lifestyles – in this case it happened right in the middle of NYC. How does such a repressive faith maintain that kind of dominance over the individual when there are so many other memes competing for influence in the same area?

By: grainnerhuad

grainnerhuad — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 05:30:41 +0000

Christopher, it is exactly for this reason that we found it important to print this story and letter. Too often we think “I could understand if it happened in the middle east..but here…” To understand the cultural differences that are right on our doorsteps seems sometimes beyond people’s vision, and to blame a woman for holding to the life she knows and holds dear, what is comfort to her is to miss the point entirely.
What stopped her from doing so it that small but important thing for so many, what we have been talking about for the last month. Faith. I know it is hard to fathom for many, but it is nevertheless an ingredient that binds and needs to be understood in order to help. To make flash assesments of should have or could have without stepping into a different world is to miss so much including opportunities to help.

By: Christopher

Christopher — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:21:35 +0000

Wow, her life really sucked – my question is this: why did she just sit there and take it? I could understand if this happen somewhere in the Middle East (where females are insulated from any strong female role-models), but this one knew that there were alternative paths she could take in life – that she could dump her irresponsible hubby and move away from her hyper-controlling family.

So what stopped her from doing so?

By: karlsie

karlsie — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:05:01 +0000

This is a very disturbing story; a difficult one for a mind to contemplate that has always assumed equal human value regardless of gender. It feels dismal. Such a great poverty of thought to choose the distinctions of propriety over the emotional well being of a sister, wife, mother, daughter. Ah men! I’ve heard that the fight for woman’s liberation was won in the wild west, dominated by men, when the women all crossed their legs. It will be very difficult to change this aspect of cultural role placed on women until the women unite in their agreement that they too, have values.

By: Josh Maxwell

Josh Maxwell — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 21:03:54 +0000

I just stopped by your blog and thought I would say hello. I like your site design. Looking forward to reading more down the road.