By The Late Mitchell Warren
From the home office in Subversify.com, here are The Top 10 Reasons Conservatives Hate David Letterman.
David Letterman startled America on October 1, 2009 by revealing a rare glimpse into his personal life. He claimed he had been the victim of an extortion attempt and that someone by the name of a Robert J. “Joe” Halderman, a widely respected 48 Hours producer, was threatening to reveal to the press that Dave had sex with multiple staff members. (Not including Biff Henderson, just in case you actually get your news from Subversify, and are thoroughly confused)
What followed in the Thursday confession and the subsequent Monday follow up were two of the most bizarre hours in the history of network television. David Letterman is three fourths skilled broadcaster and one fourth alien, and when the all quarters of his personality meet, we get strange, awkward and occasionally beautiful moments of human life in its most candid self-conscious form. By now, Letterman has been on the receiving end of both hateful slander as well as reassuring praise from an admittedly liberal media that adores him. After all, Letterman, for the second time in 2009, broke away from scripted comedy and veered recklessly into confessional reality television. He apologized twice, first for upsetting presidential dreamer Sarah Palin’s fan club (who still can’t acknowledge the fact that Bob Barker was talking about Palin’s children when he asked America to help control the pet population) and second for hurting his longtime girlfriend Regina Lasko, who may be the world’s most oblivious woman if she really believed notoriously commitment-phobic Dave was staying faithful to her for 20 years of unmarried life.
Respect Dave or not for his womanizing ways and his “creepy” fawning of young girls, we as a nation are forced to accept his humanity and his imperfections, as a mirror of our own capitalistic overindulgences, while also admiring his quizzical honesty (if not shown to Regina, then at least given to his true and only soul mate, his TV audience) as a testament to Midwestern values, not to mention his self-described “Lutheran guilt.” Letterman is not only Nixon for today’s curmudgeonry generation, but a strange fusion of Nixon and JFK together. A sinner, a creep, a hero and a revolutionary. He is quite literally the only interesting anti-hero on network TV, and never more so than we he is speaking from the heart, revealing himself to be an aching person, a miserable man, and one funny son of a bitch.
Unfortunately, since Dave is a left-leaner, his sexual antics and the unfolding scandal have taken a very political turn in recent days. Remember when in-betweens like Bill Cosby and Bob Barker faced similar sexual harassment allegations, but never really made the news? Was that because the 1990s were so much more forgiving? Was it because that Barker and Cosby worked to craft a politically correct façade that never really delved into politics? Or was it because they had the sense to pay the blackmailer and make the whole thing disappear? Of course, the whole damned world has become politically polarized. The moment Letterman had the gall to attack conservative gods like Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin and Bill O’Reilly was the same moment that Republican “karma” started to build…and lie in wait for his downfall.
The only lesson that will be learned, long after Dave retires and after the sex scandal dies down, is that if you want to be a liberal blowhard you must have a heart of steel and an exterior of ice. Conservatives, and especially Republican-ized conservatives, are some of the most vengeful and unpleasant people I have ever met. This is unfortunate, since I actually lean towards conservative viewpoints in many issues. However, when you have a bunch of fame-humping psychos representing collective Republican intelligence, it makes those damned liberals hard to hate and hard to criticize.
It occurred to me after thinking on the Letterman saga over the weekend that the only reason this scandal is making news is because the right-wingers have always hated Dave and have been waiting for an excuse like this to pummel him into submission. They tried relentlessly with the Bristol Palin comment, but were unable to reach Middle America who had grown used to Dave’s bawdy jokes over time. Now however, the “hypocrisy” of the situation has been revealed. The laughing boy, the joker, the unapologetic judge, jury and executioner of comedy, became the big punchline.
And at last, we as the ordinary people—not the war-mongering, pill popping or money worshiping elite—have learned at least 10 reasons why conservatives hate David Letterman. Here we go…
10. The Age Difference
Conservatives get all riled up whenever they visualize Dave scoring with women a quarter of his age like Stephanie Birkitt and Holly Hester, or whenever Dave flirts with the latest Twilight prodigy on his show. However, this is not about sexism, but about ageism. For some reason, many conservatives still feel that an older man pursuing younger women (or vice versa) is a really “dirty” thing to do. I think the real issue here is that conservatives, like many of us, cannot cope with the fact that they are aging. They would prefer the sexual desire die out with dignity, and that we all grudgingly hold onto the wife of our youth, while our bodies decay in pitiable lament. They are not prepared for someone to embrace the humor, the absurdity of aging and death. They cannot comprehend the fact that despite all of all aspirations to remain faithful to an idea, we are all young in mind and thus continue to crave young and innocent bodies. Conservatives hate Dave for being old and stubborn about his needs.
9. The Power Struggle
Many conservatives are lambasting Dave not for the age issue, but for the “power issue”, as in, what right does a boss have to date a co-worker? Aren’t there laws against a boss dating a co-worker, since all of these affairs eventually end in sexual harassment claims? Possibly, and don’t think Dave has heard the last of Stephanie Birkitt, even if he did recently ban her from the Late Show studio. (Anyone see the movie Match Point? You just don’t get rid of young love-sick blondes that easily) Even Dave’s own friends Kathie Lee Gifford and Howard Stern questioned his thinking on this “taboo subject.” However, I maintain that so called authority-subordinate relationships are usually decried by people who are anal, neurotic, egotistical and overly sensitive. If someone can’t emotionally handle dating the boss, or vice versa, then they should refrain from flirting in the office. But if they can, what’s the harm in pursuing a dominant-submissive relationship, when psychology teaches us that this is one of the major factors in sexual attraction? The power trip isn’t sexist—it’s human nature. My theory is that conservative critics who bring this issue up actually envy the lives of those others, the ones who boldly go where no office worker has gone before.
8. Because He’s a Cheater
Now this is going to be the conservative base’s strongest argument. Doesn’t everyone hate a cheater? How could Letterman break the heart of his faithful girlfriend and still expect to get sympathy? Simple—because he’s a man and men make mistakes. Women make mistakes too, but we have such a double standard as regards sexual infidelity, that female cheating is usually seen as empowerment or tragedy instead of creepy man-lust. I believe that there is no bad guy when it comes to cheating. Cheating is always symptomatic of a greater problem in the marriage. When I learn that someone has been unfaithful in their marriage, I don’t immediately attach guilt or take sides. I pity both the male and female perspective, and am relieved that the deep rooted troubles have finally come to the surface. What I do resent is conservative ninnies who try and post their family values propaganda or their pseudo-feminist rhetoric into every conversation of infidelity that ever takes place. My feeling is that Letterman cheated because he was unfulfilled in his relationship. Maybe it was the evolutionary virility in him that ensures the survival of his seed. It doesn’t make him evil or cruel. Cheaters are usually motivated by cowardice, weakness and a hesitance to confront discomfort. Amazingly to some, Letterman had more courage in confronting his TV audience than he did his girlfriend. Then again, if you have actually spent any time watching this anti-social recluse for the past 30 years, then you shouldn’t be surprised. This brings us to…
7. The Sex!!!
If there’s anything conservatives hate, it’s the idea that people have sex. Sex is ugly, dirty, bad, unforgivable and traumatic for everyone involved. Conservatives are the most guilt-ridden members of our society and tend to believe that sex is something that should be kept behind closed doors, never spoken about, and never congratulated. Because encouraging sex, you see, encourages more sex, which starts the inevitable decay of society. I can’t wait to see the new “Neocon Conservative Bible” being released, which might very well alter God’s command to Adam. “Be fruitful and become many” will be replaced with “Marry her, love her and then…er, uh, let’s see what happens.” Conservatives hate the fact that Letterman has sex at all, not only because he is aging, but also because they kind of liked the “sad and celibate” act he perfected for the last 15 years. Howard Stern commented on his latest “Letterman” radio show that the most extreme conservatives are coincidentally the most extreme perverts and the most guilt-ridden. Stern, as he explains, is demonized by the media for simply talking about sex. I personally don’t consider Stern a sex-crazed maniac. I simply think he worships lesbians, which doesn’t happen to be my religion.
6. The Prodigal Son Fantasy
Conservatives have a recurring non-sexual fantasy of The Prodigal Son occurring to every single person who has ever lived. Conservatives want to see people humiliated by their own sexual and material desires, hit rock bottom, feel alone and suicidal, and then pray to God for forgiveness. Not that there’s anything wrong with this scenario, per say. However, conservatives love this parable so much (thanks to Republican rebirths like Robert Downey Jr. and Kirk Cameron and half of the old WWE roster) that they can’t fathom the idea that liberal-minded people continue to live as sex fiends, in spite of Jesus’ love. Perhaps some of those right-wingers were or are really hoping that Letterman humbles himself and communicates his godless, profligate ways to the world. That’s a bit too dramatic for a comedian. Maybe he’ll simply go on doing the job he was hired to do, and leave those cry-addicts wanting more porn.
5. The Harem of Dave’s Girls
Now we get down to it. Conservative America has always hated the practice of polygamy. Despite the fact that the Jews of old tolerated this practice (they suffered, oh yes, they suffered through it) Christians made sure to do away with this obscene habit, and eventually Rabbinic Judaism followed suit. Now in the age of political correctness, feminism, sexual repression and the religious right, there could never be such an abomination as legalized polygamy. However, the fantasy still continues, unrequited, in the hearts and minds of rich men (and maybe some women). The greater a man feels in value, the more women he desires so that they can serve as a testament to his achievements. Dave has the same disease as King Solomon and Joseph Smith of the Mormons. He wants validation for his wealth and so desires more women. Some men are more subtle about this harem fantasy and simply go from woman to woman, playing the field forever. Other men though, have a unique skill that allows them to assemble many women together, keeping them united in thought, if not in body, and then keeping them organized according to needs. Since Dave limited his predilection to female interns, ordinary women who dreamed and didn’t have an ego of their own, the harem remained strong.
4. Dave Doesn’t Apologize to the Media
We at Subversify love it when a TV personality refuses to apologize. Letterman apologized to Regina and to his staff, but never really gave conservatives the apology they wanted. In fact, Letterman has made a career out of giving half-hearted apologies, teasing apologies and downright sarcastic apologies. It doesn’t satisfy the religious right. Nothing ever does. They quite literally prefer to see people crucified rather than saved.
3. Advertisers Remain Faithful
Letterman’s infidelity hasn’t affected the fidelity of his advertisers. The Olive Garden restaurant buckled under Sarah Palin’s peer pressure campaign but to date, no advertisers have pulled out from Letterman’s show. Why would they? America is watching again. Letterman’s ratings the last few days have soared, clobbering not only Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and Nightline but also Jay Leno, who has been screwed more times than Letterman, but in a bad way. Letterman is maintaining his 4, 5 and 6 point averages in late night and nothing infuriates conservatives more than wickedness that goes rewarded.
2. Letterman My Have Destroyed the Concept of Blackmail As We Know It
Politicians, entertainers, sleazy tabloid journalists and religious leaders may all tremble at
the thought that David Letterman may have killed the very idea of celebrity blackmail as we know it. It is relatively unheard of, at least on a worldwide scale, for a prominent figure to admit to his wrongdoings on national television and give the blackmailer no money and no more options to pursue. Letterman set the very idea of a politically guarded corporate image fifty years back with his calm and almost sardonic confession. Most celebrities cannot comprehend the idea of living up to their whorish behavior and admitting that they are not the moral saints we visualize them to be. The moment of his confession was like the penultimate fusion of trashy reality TV (amoral stupidity) with scripted TV (overbearing moral implications). What can a blackmailer do when his victim beats him to the punch? Well ask Gerald Shargel, Halderman’s hired defense attorney.
His brilliant solution to a no-win extortion case? Blackmail the victim a second time. Shargel is now threatening to cross-examine Letterman and embarrass him with details of Letterman’s sexual harassing behavior. Yes, when all else fails, my dear friends of the Republican party, keep doing the same thing again and again and again. Sarah Palin in 2012, anybody?
And finally the number one reason why conservatives hate David Letterman…
1. Because conservatives seem to enjoy torturing people. This is basic human civic study, dating back to the Catholic Church of old who enjoyed torturing heretics, suspected witches and anyone that crossed eyes at the pope. Conservatism is closely linked with religious piousness, and conservatives can’t help but let their sadistic tendencies out on occasion. They need a whipping boy every now and then, and want to beat confessions out of their prisoners. Even if there is no one sinning at the moment, rest assured conservatives will thoroughly investigate every interesting piece of gossip until they uncover a plot. That makes me think of one of my favorite Gandhi quotes:
“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Because your Christians torture people. And sometimes Gandhi enjoys some Indian loving with Mrs. Gahndi. So what is the big deal?”