An Open Letter To The Fundies, The Moonbats, The Birthers, and the Other Members of the Tinfoil Hat Brigade

By: Astra Navigo

Astra Navigo, a native Oregonian  is a long-time blogger with a large and varied following. He posts his pearls of wisdom in many places but can best be found at http://astranavigo.blogspot.com/.  This is his first time contributing with us but we hope to see him around more often.

Folks — first of all, I’m sorry.

I know it’s hard, losing an election and all.  I’ve been there.

Hell, I’m a Libertarian, for Pete’s sake – I’m used to losing elections.  My horse comes in last, all the time, and it gets wearying at times, standing up for things like equal rights, Roe v. Wade, a strong currency, and the Constitution (all of it).

But, there comes a time in everyone’s political-life where they have to – if you’ll excuse the pun — Move On.

If you think I’m about to pee in your Cheerios after eating asparagus and garlic chased with Chianti, you’re right.

You see, you’ve become an embarrassment to the rest of America.

All of your incessant prating about birth-certificates, New World Orders, presidential ‘usurpers’, and the like is making my friends in countries from Great Britain to Australia honestly more than a little nervous.

In fact, one of them wrote me the other day and said, “What the hell is wrong with the USA?”

And, just as honestly, I can’t tell her.

It’s as if I woke up to this Other Country; an alternate-reality from some bad sci-fi novel, where everyone had an IQ of 80 and an audience for their nuttitude.

Fun is fun, but like the same bad joke told fifty times, it’s getting on Everyone Else’s Nerves.   I’ll admit, it was funny for a while – like seeing DaisyMae’s five boyfriends sitting in a row on Maury Povich’s stage, each one jumping up in turn and dancing like a sandhill-crane when he hears, “You are not the father!” (I thought I’d put it in terms you could understand) — but one can only take so much of that lunacy before asking the question, “Haven’t these jackasses heard of condoms?”

See, we’ve got things to do.

Things like work, for one.   Some of us don’t have the time on our hands that you do, for spreading this crap.

So, I’ve created, at no small expense of time and effort, a compendium of your favorite pet-theories, along with the facts.   Please take some time and read this – because the next step is going to be an ugly-actin’ smack-down, just like what happens when Cletus backhands one of the chitluns away from the dinner-table for fartin’. (Again; I thought I’d put it in terms you’d understand).

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Obama’s Birth Certificate: He’s a citizen.  Get over it.   The DNC and the Justice Department vets every candidate when they become ‘viable’.  There’s no such thing as a “Kenyan Birth Certificate” (although you can go here and make one for yourself – as well as punk your friends, just like those guys in Australia punked Orly Taitz and her moron-followers).

If you’ve got any further questions on the topic, please go here and here.   They’ve got the scoop.  Really.

H.J. Res. 5 – “President For Life” Bill: While there’s some truth to the fact that a representative in Congress has introduced a bill to modify the 22nd Amendment, allowing a president to serve more than two consecutive terms, this bill has been introduced a staggering six times since 1995 by both Republicans and Democrats, while either a Republican or a Democrat has been the sitting president.   In no case did the bill ever make it out of committee, let alone come up for a vote.   (No one is trying to make Obama the ‘President for Life’.   Go here and here for the truth.  Afterward, you can go back to watching Beach Blanket Bingo or playing Video Poker, for all I care – but stay off the computer with this, all right?)

Health Care, ‘Death Panels’, and Other Things: Courtesy of you folks, there’s more nonsense going around about the health-care proposals in front of Congress right now than anything else, if my own inbox and what I’m seeing has any merit.   The facts are that (1) any national health-care systems will be to cover the upwards of 50 million Americans who currently don’t have any health-care options, and (2) there are no ‘death-panels’, ‘pull-the-plug-on-Grandma’, ‘Canadian health plans’, or anything similar under consideration.   (Go here and here for some real information, please – and don’t clog our inboxes or post crap you got from your Uncle Cletus who got it from ‘a friend of a friend’ – again; you’re only embarrassing yourselves here).

The Swine-Flu Was Made In a Government Lab; The Vaccine Will Kill You, and Other Myths: Folks, I’m sorry to have to tell you, but the swine flu was not made in a government lab as part of a deep, dark experiment (if you like Stephen King, that’s fine – but “The Stand” is fiction, not fact).   The vaccine isn’t expected to be in great supply by the time the season begins in October, and taking the vaccine will be voluntary, as it has been in years past.   No, the swine-flu vaccine will not kill you or give you a loathesome disease.

Come November, I’m going to go get a flu shot.   Come April, I’ll still be here.   (Go here and here for the truth of the matter).

Obama is the Anti-Christ: I love this one.    When I came across this, it was on a post from one of those fellows who could barely write.  It was sad to read the run-ons, misspelled words, and all the rest – but the gist was this:   Obama’s name is mentioned in the Bible, and he’s the Antichrist.  Really.

There’s a couple of problems with this.   First, Obama’s name is part Arabic; part Swahili – languages which didn’t exist during the time the Bible was written.   Also, the people who wrote the New Testament wrote it in Greek – not Hebrew – plus, the language spoken in that region at the time was Aramaic (consider it a polyglot language from several regions in the Middle East – you can go here and here if you don’t believe me – but Obama’s not the Antichrist.   I think I’m safe in saying that.)

H.R. 45 – the Blair Holt Gun-Control Bill: I love this one, too.   Back in 2007, a kid was riding in a bus when another teenager who had a score to settle pulled a handgun and started shooting.   The boy moved to shield a girl-friend, and was killed in the process.   A well-meaning Congresscritter from the boy’s district in Illinois pledged to introduce a gun-control bill, which he did.   The bill would require anyone purchasing a firearm to get a license first.  To obtain the license, the buyer would have to release any mental-health and physical-examination records.

Such bills have been introduced in the past, and just like H.J 5, above, they never make it out of committee.   There’s been a lot of crap spread on this one, stating that a firearm-buyer would be ‘required to submit to a physical exam and mental-health exam anytime the government asked.’   That’s an interesting idea — but it’s not in the proposed bill.

Proof that when folks like you with an axe to grind get your hands on legitimate information, the first thing you want to do is twist it.   Again — if you want the truth on this one, go here and here.

I could go on – but I won’t.   In fact, anything I – or anyone else – say won’t make the least bit of difference.  You’re going to go on, believing that Obama is some sort of  ‘Antichrist/Leninist/Usurper’; that swine-flu is part of a government plot and that the Earth is 6,000 years old.

Don’t get me wrong – I love you guys; I really do.  It takes all kinds to make up a country, and the cheap entertainment you’ve provided thus far has been a guilty-pleasure on a par with chat-rooms, Jerry Springer, Bignaturals.Com, and Sabado Gigante.   However, you’re making the rest of the world believe that America really is made up of morons – and it’s time to get over yourselves.   It’s not that funny; the Rest of Us are embarrassed, and there are Better Things To Do.

Best,

— “Astra”