CARP PAY DIEM

By Venita
Learning lessons from public figures who know how to move forward is part of being resourceful. What would you do if you were about to lose your job? Well, just keep your eyes on Dick Cheney and watch how to make losing your job a winning venture.

We all know how to look stupid, like trying a new dance at a party, forgetting a speech, accidently farting on one of the metal chairs during group meditation, or just shooting your friend in the face while quail hunting.

Our soon-to-be former vice president, avid sportsman that he is, could be a 2009 entrepreneur superstar. I plan to present a foolproof business plan that he would be crazy to refuse.

Recently, while cruising Lake Chicot, in Arkansas, on a large inner tube towed by a pontoon boat, I witnessed a Silver Asian carp leaping from the water. Not only did it fly several feet, but it hit a fellow inner tube cruiser in the face. This would have been funny had his jaw not been broken by the high-speed collision. He was rushed to a nearby hospital where his jaw was wired. A jumping fish was able to render a full-grown man unconscious by smacking him in the face. He lay in the hospital for over a week in peaceful slumber and lost a total of thirty pounds before the wire was removed from his jaw. In the midst of this state of affairs, an idea was born.

I’ve taken immediate steps to acquire a little-known lake in South Dakota, which will be the site for a new weight-loss spa for insomniacs. Yes, Arkansas can rid themselves of their pesky, ill-mannered, carp while Dick and I stock our lake with the remedy for millions of those who suffer from food and sleep disorders.
Imagine floating lazily across the glass-like surface of the lake, the sound of the water lapping at the sides of the inner tube that your chubby limbs are resting on. And then, WHAM! One minute you’re wishing you could lose weight while you sleep, and then next you’re knocked unconscious and your jaw is broken by a Silver Asian Carp. Granted, it’s a drastic solution but so is gastric bypass surgery. Not to mention the fish could be thought of as a mass dose of tryptophan in a flying scaly suit.

Just think of all the money we will make when those afflicted with uncontrolled eating and nocturnal restless leg syndrome come to us for their cure. I can see them now, lined up on their camping mats, jaws wired and sleeping peacefully in a group or enjoying the deluxe patio guest room. Oh boy!

This isn’t the only venture I am pitching though. Sarah Palin’s Thanksgiving turkey interview gave me a brilliant idea for a Bliss Spa. Yes, take a relaxing week-end and discover that ignorance truly is bliss. The three U’s will be emphasized. Be uneducated, uninformed and unaware. Remember, these are vital conditions for creating a truly forgettable resort experience. UUU, for you, you, you. I just know Sarah is gonna love the idea.