The Pros & Cons of Political Assassination

Barack Hussein Obama II was elected as the future President of the United States of America on November 4, 2008, defeating Senator Palpatine of the Republican Sith party. Right about now millions of Americans across the country have one thought on their mind: How did a black man get elected into the “White House” and what can be done to stop this abomination? In other words, is political assassination worth it? This article considers the pros and cons of political assassination objectively, with a non partisan-bias, and explores all the consequences of assassination in realistic terms. By the end of this study, you will know deep down in your heart if assassination is a viable and logical reaction to a non-white person being elected president, or if you should just suffer through the next eight years and devote yourself to subversive campaigns, non-violent resistance, and of course, the ultimate example of productive negativity: angry blogging.

First, let’s consider what category “you” most likely fit. If you are considering political assassination you are either:

(A) A Rich Oil Man (or Oil Woman) With a Vested Interest in the Republican Party
(B) A Catholic or Protestant Believer Who Understands That All Muslims Are Going to Hell
(C) A Soccer Mom Anxious About the Ramifications of Voting in An Unqualified Half-Negro Into Office (and Still Pouting About Hillary’s Defeat)
(D) An Active Member of the KKK
(E) A Neo Nazi or Skin Head Who Believes the KKK Has Sold Out
(E) An African-American Who Believes Obama Doesn’t Use the Term “Mother Fucker” Enough
(F) A Bored Latino Drastically Affected by the Recession and Fresh Out of Ideas
(G) An Eight Year Old Boy With Access to a Rifle
(H) A Nameless Schmuck Who Wants To Commit Murder For No Good Reason At All, and One Definitely Not Set Up By the CIA, FBI, Russian Mafia, Illuminati, Free Masons or Martha Stewart

Now that you have been honest with yourself and organized your motivation into categorical relevance, consider three pros that would come from the death of your first black president.

Pros of Political Assassination

Pro #1: No black president would ever be elected again.

Sad but true. Although you are a racist son of a bitch, by assassinating the president-elect you would probably be sealing the fate of the quintessential African American Candidate. It’s highly unlikely that another black politician would ever make it so far, as Obama is seemingly the safest choice that will ever come around. He is a charismatic but non-threatening presence, one that enthusiastically hides behind “change” clichés and avoids any controversial issue by characteristically deferring to usual Democratic pandering. He’s not as black as Jesse Jackson or Kanye West but a helluva lot more street than say Colin Powell or Al Gore. Obama is a once in a lifetime candidate, a movie star posing as president in much the same light as Ronald Reagan or even George W. Bush, but without the Texan retro-rick. (Intentionally misspelled for Bush supporters) You get rid of Obama you shatter the dreams of every minority in America who ever hopes to have one of their own represent their interests. Wait a minute! Don’t start wanking it just yet…

Pro #2: You would scare poor Joe Biden into submission and return the power to the oil companies, high-tech services, credit lenders, banks and pharmaceutical manufacturers.

Pro #3: You could help refocus America to the War on Terror, giving your government full power to search through private records, spy on your personal communications and stalk you into complete subservience and uniformity.

Pro #4: You would give Hillary Clinton one great orgasm. Not only because this psycho wants vengeance or wants Obama punished for daring to run against her, but apparently she gets off on assassination talk.

Hillary’s Just Saying… “My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California. I don’t understand it.”

Learn to read a woman’s signals, people!

Cons of Political Assassination

Con #1: You would most likely help to turn every nation against America and facilitate the progress of another World War.

Yes, some of you sick bastards who enjoy playing Gears of War may think of this as a pro, but trust us, it’s a con. The world cannot take another World War, given the increasing power of nuclear weapons and the fragility of the earth’s already-decaying environment. Besides, with all that live news coverage and tedious expert commentary, you’re bound to miss yet another half season of The Office. Is it really worth it?

Con #2: Unfortunately for you, you really have to think assassination attempts out if they’re going to work.

As Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman proved, half-witted assassination plots (with little or no logistical planning other than “kill Obama”) have a history of failing. It’s very likely that Cowart and Schlesselman will be sentenced to 50 years in prison where they will be ass-pounded by blacks, Latinos, Asians and even their fellow gringos for years to come. (Not a good thing if you’re in the majority of Americans who are not Andy Dick) By now you should know that the only terrorist plots that work are approved and or intentionally ignored by the top branches of the federal government.

Con #3: You will burn in hell because God is black.

Isn’t it kind of obvious by now that God is black? In fact, you could say that God is represented in every unjustly persecuted person. According to the Psalms, God only supports the underdogs, the meek, and the righteous. Furthermore, God also supports the death penalty and according to the New Testament, loves everyone who accepts Jesus Christ as their Savior and puts faith in His Word. Since Jesus was Jewish, and every decadent civilization since has been white, the odds are stacked against you even before you kill the first black president.

Con #4: As much as you love Sarah Palin, doing away with Obama will not put her into office.

Sarah Palin is every Neo Nazi boy’s MILF crush. She is every right-wing Christian extremist’s coffee klatch girlfriend. Unfortunately, nothing you can do at this point will give the woman power. Not only do you have to accept this fact, you also have to be a man and bid a final goodbye to Tina Fey’s hilarious impersonation.

Con #5: Obama’s first action as president will be to concentrate on rebuilding America’s flailing economy.

Like him or hate him (and probably the latter since you’re already Googling ideas on how to plan an assassination on a budget) Obama is the only politician with power looking into America’s financial problems. If Obama doesn’t take progressive steps to improve the country’s massive debt, then what will you do? Consider imperative questions like:

1.What if you are laid off from your job of sacking groceries at Wal-Mart? Where else can you find a job that encourages such creative expression as an anti Obama tattoo across your neck?

2.After collecting unemployment checks (for a limited time), and after the money runs out, how will you buy knitting needles and yarn for those custom-made swastikas that all your friends rave about?

3.After the value of the American dollar bottoms out, how much can you really make from your small stash of gold and antiquated German artworks?

4.What about Super Bowl Klonvocations with your hooded friends? You can’t afford prime rib steaks or Pabst Blue Ribbon anymore. Looks like you’ll have to stock up on fried chicken and mash liquor for a while.

The Final Verdict

In conclusion, though this article may not change your mind in your anti-Obama pledge, just remember that assassination is a far more challenging task than it is depicted as being in movies and weekly TV series. Assassins in real life don’t look like John Malkovich or Javier Bardem. Assassins are far weaker than we give them credit for. They are creepy looking men or beautiful Russian women who are so spiritually empty that they can be brainwashed into following any semi-organized ideology. Assassins are followers—rabid sheep that are constantly seeking mother’s approval. They are only brave enough to kill or die. They never have the balls to actually live and thrive in a world of injustice.

So why not allow yourself some dignity and independent spirit! Get to angry blogging or better yet write a screenplay about a black dictator gone mad with power and enforcing a racist agenda. Now that your sworn nemesis has been voted into office, at the very least, you can rationalize that you finally know what it’s like to be a minority in a majority-controlled world and with no supreme authority to turn to for help. Imagine that, one lone pale-face in a colored world! Makes you want to rob a gas station or something, huh?

Grading America’s Best and Worst Assassins

John Wilkes Booth: Assassinated Abraham Lincoln on April 15, 1865. Succeeded in murdering a man many believe to be the greatest U.S. president ever. Yelled out “sic semper tyrannis” before committing the murder and then being allegedly killed by Union soldiers twelve days later. Nevertheless, theories persist that he fled capture and took up a new identity. One of the more bizarre assassinations in history, and one that didn’t succeed in keeping slavery rights or winning Southern independence, as was theoretically, the objective. Grade: C

Lee Harvey Oswald: Takes the cake for the most enigmatic assassination attempt in history. Oswald claims he never fired the shot, but was nonetheless blown away by Jack Ruby and vilified by the press as one lone nut who hated John F. Kennedy just a bit more than a dozen other likely suspects on November 22, 1963. Has since been immortalized in movies, Warren Commission reports and House Select Committee on Assassinations retractions. A mixed grade for a perfect assassination plot, but one that no one wants to claim credit for. Grade: C+

John Lennon: Mark David Chapman couldn’t imagine a world without violence and murdered Lennon on December 8, 1980. Chapman could never adequately explain why he killed the world’s most beloved Beatle except to teeter between defenses of insanity and then rational premeditation. When Chapman was asked in court if he had anything to say, he rose and read a passage from The Catcher in the Rye. Possibly the worst motivation for an assassination in history. Grade: D

James Earl Ray: Another mixed grade, as Ray’s assassination was successful in injuring the hope of many African-Americans who continued to be discriminated against for at least another two decades following April 4, 1968. However, the assassination did not stop the Civil Rights era from reaching a pinnacle with the end of legal segregation by the 1970s. Furthermore, Ray seemed wishy washy when it came time for confession. Though he admitted to killing Martin Luther King Jr. at first, he promptly recanted after sentencing and then appealed on a new plea of innocent. (He even convinced King’s family of his innocence) It seemed like another Kennedy-esque conspiracy, but one pulled off with far less finesse. Grade: C-

Charles J. Guiteau: After assassinating James A. Garfield proclaimed “I am a Stalwart of the Stalwarts… Arthur is President now!” This odd speech just emphasizes the point that Guiteau was a perennial loser, having previously launched an unsuccessful law firm, plagiarizing a book and failing to land a federal post position. Just when his life couldn’t get any more pathetic, he assassinated one of the most insignificant presidents in history on July 2, 1881. Grade: F

Leon F. Czolgosz: A student of anarchism who assassinated William McKinley on September 6, 1901. Czolgosz claimed he killed the president “Because he was the enemy of the good people–the good working people.” However, Czolgosz was apparently a bad actor because even the trial Judge overruled Czolgosz’s confession and entered a “Not Guilty” plea on his behalf. You know your life sucks when you can’t even convince people that you murdered the president with your own purchased .32 caliber Iver-Johnson Safety Automatic Revolver. Grade: D

And Finally…The Worst Assassin in American History…

Richard Lawrence, the would-be assassin of President Andrew Jackson. There is a bumbling first mistake for every diabolical scheme and Lawrence’s unsuccessful attempt to assassinate Jackson was a notable U.S. first. Lawrence was mentally ill as evidenced by his theories that he was in fact King Richard III of England and that Jackson was personally responsible for stealing his money and killing his late father. (Who died in England almost a decade before the accusation was made) It also didn’t help that Lawrence was seen frequently talking and laughing to himself. Lawrence shot at Jackson on January 30, 1835, and misfired not once but twice. As if the failed assassination couldn’t get any worse, Jackson eventually started beating the hell out of Lawrence with a cane. Lawrence would later be confined to a mental institution, but his legend would end on a much happier note: many believe he was merely part of a greater conspiracy! Grade: F-